on The taste of something new. by darby pyn
5 Jul 2005, 8:18 AM
"as transparent as vanity" is a good line because it can mean at least two things. I wish you had gone the other way with it.
on Promise Me by Taco
5 Jul 2005, 8:15 AM
You're right, it's not smart to love in this way. Unless this is poking fun at people who do, and I don't see hints of that, it is shallow.
on grampa told us stories by elderking
5 Jul 2005, 8:12 AM
The word "feigning" sets a stage for sattire or belittlement. But I don't think that's what you intend.
on Crack baby by Caducus
4 Jul 2005, 10:42 AM
I often wish to write as metaphoric and imaginative as you, and often wish you would do it less for clarity's sake. Here I think you have a pretty good balance. But shouldn't it be "disconnected from skin by scissors"?
The first three verses are good, but the last leaves some untapped drama or its clouded in image. It seems the last line could come up so it applies to Mummy and end with the zip code of granite.
The first three verses are good, but the last leaves some untapped drama or its clouded in image. It seems the last line could come up so it applies to Mummy and end with the zip code of granite.
on What's my favorite scar. by darby pyn
2 Jul 2005, 6:25 AM
I'd like it better with good punctuation and complete sentences and line breaks at meaningful locations. As is, you can know if a man's a guitar player by feeling the tips of his fingers on the left hand. And I can see from the last lines you're angry. But I think it would be stronger with fewer words.
on Uncorked by impert&ent
2 Jul 2005, 6:18 AM
You have totally changed the poem and called it an edit. I think it's better to post a new poem.
Anyway, this depends on a reader's knowledge of allusions. Maybe it means something to someone else.
Anyway, this depends on a reader's knowledge of allusions. Maybe it means something to someone else.
on it's okay to cry, idiot by calliope
1 Jul 2005, 4:08 PM
"idiot" in the title detracts. Line 2 could be left out without loss.
on My Little Africa (edit) by Nuit
1 Jul 2005, 4:05 PM
illution - us a spell checker.
I think the voice of the first verse could be carried through to greater effect. Toward the end it get whiney and loses impact.
I think the voice of the first verse could be carried through to greater effect. Toward the end it get whiney and loses impact.
Surely you have seen enjoyment in a cow’s face while eating; I mean while the cow was eating. So the anthropomorphosis problem is not in the pleasure of eating, but in relating the pleasure to ancestors who made eating possible. If I were to fancy that kind of thinking in a gazelle or lion, for example, how is that more plausible than a nose-ringed bull? Anyway, the analogy to human thinking is what I’m aiming for, as you know—the way I sometimes feel grateful for the courting and sex that make this hamburger enjoyable.
Maybe I’ll go at it from another angle.
Maybe I’ll go at it from another angle.
Then how about this:
On summer hills, a heavy bull drools,
brittle brown grass like cigarillos in his teeth,
his eyes fixed on consumption,
oblivious to my presence,
I wonder if he remembers
the green blades of winter,
or finds a duty of the living
to pleasure in what the dead cannot,
a gratitude for the running and mating
that made this small pleasure possible.
Okay, I didn’t give you a subset. I’m still hoping the running and mating of his parents that gave rise to his existence is what gives this bull the gratitude and the will to make it through bleak late summer, hoping for green grass of winter and reveling in the life of it all. Do bulls think like that? Probably not, but I can hope they do.
On summer hills, a heavy bull drools,
brittle brown grass like cigarillos in his teeth,
his eyes fixed on consumption,
oblivious to my presence,
I wonder if he remembers
the green blades of winter,
or finds a duty of the living
to pleasure in what the dead cannot,
a gratitude for the running and mating
that made this small pleasure possible.
Okay, I didn’t give you a subset. I’m still hoping the running and mating of his parents that gave rise to his existence is what gives this bull the gratitude and the will to make it through bleak late summer, hoping for green grass of winter and reveling in the life of it all. Do bulls think like that? Probably not, but I can hope they do.
on Uncorked by impert&ent
30 Jun 2005, 3:59 PM
Go home alone? The ending is weak if all you mean is that you unscrewed a bottle cap.
replying on WHAT KIND OF FOOL ARE YOU? by Joshua_Tree
30 Jun 2005, 3:53 PM
I find it more useful to post my newest writings. That way I get comments, not on history, but on something vestigial, workable. Dividing it into "A" material and "B" material - well it should all be "A" material.
replying on A Righteous Prayer by Dovina
30 Jun 2005, 3:39 PM
Rotten in what way? If you say the grammar is bad, look at the grammar in the average prayer. If you say the phrases do not say clearly what I mean, again, look at prayers.
on Try Thinking Too by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk
30 Jun 2005, 8:00 AM
So she has a glossy coat of passion covering mangy skin of unintelligence. Sounds like a passionate way of saying it.
replying on The Object of the Game by Dovina
30 Jun 2005, 7:34 AM
No, this android, though predictable, will not this time say what you expect. I see what you and shuushin mean about the first verse and will clarify it thus:
He wallows in hurt-
women who wronged him
Lovers so shallow they stab him on whims
leave the very next morning
The second verse is already clear, I think, but it changes from human to android. It ceases to pass for human as the first verse may.
He wallows in hurt-
women who wronged him
Lovers so shallow they stab him on whims
leave the very next morning
The second verse is already clear, I think, but it changes from human to android. It ceases to pass for human as the first verse may.
replying on Father’s Day by Dovina
30 Jun 2005, 7:16 AM
That’s a good explanation of your position — that I said things I believe to be untrue in order to jar people. That’s still a long way from saying "offensive untrue things about people." Since the poem is about a hypothetical man as far as anyone reading it on poemranker knows, it should only be offensive if he sees within himself a bitter core. Then he might be jarred into saying it’s not true. If so, my purpose is partly accomplished.
replying on The Object of the Game by Dovina
29 Jun 2005, 8:22 AM
I’m no psychologist, but it seems he wants his sorrow over happiness, and acts to produce more sorrow.