on My Big Butt by Dovina
13 Sep 2005, 11:55 AM
are invited to kindly kiss it. Maybe would be better rhythm there? And is Pitbull one word? Pit-bull, maybe? just wondering, seems like it might be one of those. Cute poem!
on My addict by Heather Dee
13 Sep 2005, 11:53 AM
I was threw.> through.
I threw the ball through the window, and now I am through playing ball. 'will power' is one word, I think. willpower? will-power? (I don't know, that part of my brain just failed me..tee-hee) I think>My addict, I thought you had left me and went on your way. (A comma would be good here.) 'given into you'> given in to you. Lots of period where commas should be. Make sure where period are, that it is a complete sentence that stands on its own. (I have problems with puncuation too!)
I threw the ball through the window, and now I am through playing ball. 'will power' is one word, I think. willpower? will-power? (I don't know, that part of my brain just failed me..tee-hee) I think>My addict, I thought you had left me and went on your way. (A comma would be good here.) 'given into you'> given in to you. Lots of period where commas should be. Make sure where period are, that it is a complete sentence that stands on its own. (I have problems with puncuation too!)
replying on First Love by Dovina
4 Sep 2005, 7:41 PM
I thought that it would stay.> I think this is the rhythm I would have chosen, and I would have thought that it added more 'connotation' to the whole thing. In fact at first read, I slipped it in there, then reread, and realized that it was not there. May I add to the discussion about rhythm...to me it is ALL about the rhythm...if the rhythm is off it just doesn't feel right to me. A piece can be astoundingly deep and say mountains of worthwhile things, but if the rhtythm is off I will never be happy with it. Personally, I worry more about rhythm than even puncuation. (I know, it shows!!) Decent piece, though.
on Falling by D. $ Fontera
2 Sep 2005, 11:06 AM
So true...and great way of saying it! ...In my life there is no such thing as 'destination'...only traveling, and pitstops and detours and sight-seeing - that way, no matter where I am, I am supposed to be there!
on Is This My Country? by PodPoet
2 Sep 2005, 10:58 AM
Very good...and so tragically true! Where was the aid to evacuate them to begin with, before it hit?! They left people there, like sitting disposable ducks! And the cost in lives, time, and the all-mighty dollar would have been far less had they sent in buses to evacuate EVERYONE who was not able to afford to leave. Now look at what it has and will cost!
on The Absense of God by Bluemonkey
2 Sep 2005, 10:51 AM
Yeah...it needs more...far more.
on Baudelaire: The Albatross by Sasha
2 Sep 2005, 10:49 AM
That is why I am a flyer of the night...the currents are not crowded then, and under the shroud of midnight-blue clouds against the blackened sky I am better felt and sensed than seen with the eye. It makes for much higher flying...besides, the breezes are so FULL then that it vibrates through you. (Lovely, lovely piece!)
on I've often been known to make people laugh by T. Jonathron Remp
2 Sep 2005, 10:38 AM
Ha- HA! Excellent...One thing though.. at>
"Twirl around and fondle your sister,
And disappear before she knew what had hit her,"
...it seems a little out of rhythm right there...perhaps?> "What'd hit 'er" to speed it up some?
"Twirl around and fondle your sister,
And disappear before she knew what had hit her,"
...it seems a little out of rhythm right there...perhaps?> "What'd hit 'er" to speed it up some?
on Stranger by MacFrantic
2 Sep 2005, 10:32 AM
This is listed under 'Free Verse', but isn't it a form? Not that I would know all the technicalities of such things...just wondering. I don't care where you put it. Oh, and...isn't he just like everyone? I think so....
To feel...a curse and a blessing. Do you taste your lover on the wind, feel weakened by a sickened tree, hear another's soul cry through the touch of their hand? Are you blessed and cursed with a knowing? I would have emailed you, but you do not provide that option here.
One thing about the poem...creep and creek was a little rough going. >"The former river creep as a low creek." Also...wouldn't crept be the correct word?
One thing about the poem...creep and creek was a little rough going. >"The former river creep as a low creek." Also...wouldn't crept be the correct word?
Ah...but if you had stayed you could have died fat and happy! I can't post today...but have a fun one for next post...fits this very well...Oh...and, yours is more food oriented than my "To Know You". Alternate ending?>(So call me a glutton, and let me die full within you!)*wink
replying on Out of a White Hole by ALChemy
2 Sep 2005, 9:20 AM
I understand the meaning of 'it', but to start sentences with so many Its...that was what I was commenting on.
replying on Wrapping a Gift by Dovina
1 Sep 2005, 3:57 PM
Oh...I didn't know! I will have to find it and have a listen. So I take it it is not as sexy as Bowie's version? Bowie's is Hot, Hot, sizzling Hot! (In my opinion...!)
replying on Out of a White Hole by ALChemy
29 Aug 2005, 4:14 PM
SINGULAR..even! Oh..and I adore the first stanza in its entirety!
on Out of a White Hole by ALChemy
29 Aug 2005, 4:12 PM
brain's< spelling The singlualr period, in the second to last line, and then none at the end...fix that... and get rid of commas or use puncuation throughout.
The transition here is uncomfortable>
by subconscious gravity
It flies on whimsical wings
maybe would be helped with a period there? But then you start with 'it', without saying what 'it' is. I don't know...needs some work there. I like it though,; unique. So will give you a genrous vote...but would be higher with some cleaning up.
The transition here is uncomfortable>
by subconscious gravity
It flies on whimsical wings
maybe would be helped with a period there? But then you start with 'it', without saying what 'it' is. I don't know...needs some work there. I like it though,; unique. So will give you a genrous vote...but would be higher with some cleaning up.
on Emily Gray by Enkidu
29 Aug 2005, 3:58 PM
B.S....leave the hath! (Everyone is entitled to their opinion , right?) And it is NOT empty! It takes great skill to use few well-chosen words to convey big images, thoughts, or situations! The canvas was well-painted here, not too much, just enough...leaving the viewer just as he/she should be, at the sight before them. (Don't you dare change it one bit!)
on Emily Gray by Enkidu
29 Aug 2005, 3:54 PM
Man... This really rocked me, hit me and moved me sideways. Putting this in my favorites. Damn.
on The Trees in Spring (edit) by Sasha
28 Aug 2005, 9:05 PM
Strange ending, had to go back and re-read it to see how it all ties together. I love the first stanza...timeless appeal!