on Blackened Cauldron by Ellie95
21 Jul 2003, 10:15 AM
This poem reminds me of the last time I ate taco bell.
replying on Pretzel by daryash-koh
17 Jul 2003, 7:47 AM
Alright, here's a hint about the pretzel thing: The title refers to "leader" in the first line.
replying on Pretzel by daryash-koh
16 Jul 2003, 2:13 PM
I appreciate your interest in this poem and I thank you for taking the time today to fix it for me. I feel compelled to go through them here one by one.
In the second line, you remove the second to last word, "the". I'm considering keeping that one. But I like the fact that this line, along with lines 3,5, and 6 end with "the + noun". Plus this poem wasn't meant to be read with rigid scansion.
In line 3, you take out the words, "on the" and replace it with "upon". Why yes, just the other day I cracked open a cold brewsky and placed it upon the table. I think I'll keep "on the".
I was thinking dactylic when I set these lines down. You shortened line four by taking out the "the" between where and bellies, changing the dactyl. Typo?
Line 5 does suck. Reading it now, maybe,
Crimp the young shoots and advance by the nose,
or
Crimp the young shoots that are lead by the nose.
Then line 6. You change the time by adding shall, which also breaks the dactyl, plus you change the to "your" which is the only time in the whole poem that the 2nd person is invoked. Actually, I'd be interested to know your take on that last line, because maybe your interpretation was personal. Which is another kind of feedback altogether, and also interesting
In the second line, you remove the second to last word, "the". I'm considering keeping that one. But I like the fact that this line, along with lines 3,5, and 6 end with "the + noun". Plus this poem wasn't meant to be read with rigid scansion.
In line 3, you take out the words, "on the" and replace it with "upon". Why yes, just the other day I cracked open a cold brewsky and placed it upon the table. I think I'll keep "on the".
I was thinking dactylic when I set these lines down. You shortened line four by taking out the "the" between where and bellies, changing the dactyl. Typo?
Line 5 does suck. Reading it now, maybe,
Crimp the young shoots and advance by the nose,
or
Crimp the young shoots that are lead by the nose.
Then line 6. You change the time by adding shall, which also breaks the dactyl, plus you change the to "your" which is the only time in the whole poem that the 2nd person is invoked. Actually, I'd be interested to know your take on that last line, because maybe your interpretation was personal. Which is another kind of feedback altogether, and also interesting
on Papa Smurf by Bachus
21 Nov 2002, 9:04 AM
With this poem, Bachus has hit on a primal cultural archetype. "The Smurfs" was a creepy show. Their skin has a blue pallor, like corpses, or pagan celtic body paint. And the show has strong anti-semitic overtones. Gargamel, their enemy, looks like a nazi cartoon-jew. And he wants to capture the smurfs to make gold. And that cat, Azriel...Israel? hmm? And Gargamel makes the first smurfette, the one with black hair. Lilith? Gnosticism anyone? Hello!