on Night Work by forestchild7
29 Dec 2005, 1:08 PM
I do see one thing that might help you - don't
use and anymore than you have to. As in line 12, the first and could easily be eliminated - another thing you can do is use commas instead of and, you will convey your meaning and it's much smoother. I really do like this very much.
use and anymore than you have to. As in line 12, the first and could easily be eliminated - another thing you can do is use commas instead of and, you will convey your meaning and it's much smoother. I really do like this very much.
replying on Ennui by Sisterwolf
28 Dec 2005, 9:07 PM
Today I critiqued every single one of the 'worst' poems, and several that were random. I love to teach, to help and I hope
you will see my list of comments.
you will see my list of comments.
on Old Friends by sliver
28 Dec 2005, 7:26 PM
Intranet, may I point out that I got scolded for having made no useful criticism - ie, great work, etal.
This poem has no constructive criticism at all.
No big deal, but I thought about what you said and
have been critiquing to help because I thought praise
was not acceptable comment. Peace!
This poem has no constructive criticism at all.
No big deal, but I thought about what you said and
have been critiquing to help because I thought praise
was not acceptable comment. Peace!
on Old Friends by sliver
28 Dec 2005, 7:22 PM
I know poetry used to have all first line capitals, but
I feel it lends to the flow if second lines are in
small case.
I feel it lends to the flow if second lines are in
small case.
on Death's Cold Eyes by forestchild7
28 Dec 2005, 7:19 PM
In my opinion, using thine and thys is risky. Those are usually used in reference to a deity. None of the tone of the rest of your work uses formal English to match. Hateness is not a word. There is an incongruity with soldiers out of breath...smacks of reaching for a rhyme. Next to last line -thine is not proper - thy is
correct. Last line, there is no need for an apostrophe with see's... the apostrophe makes a
possessive. Same on fourth line from bottom - no apostrophe.
correct. Last line, there is no need for an apostrophe with see's... the apostrophe makes a
possessive. Same on fourth line from bottom - no apostrophe.
on order of events by skaskowski
28 Dec 2005, 7:14 PM
Just a first thought I had... numbering detracts from
the power of your words. Need a capital S in first line. Repetitive she lends it a rhythm.
the power of your words. Need a capital S in first line. Repetitive she lends it a rhythm.
on Virgin by MacFrantic
28 Dec 2005, 7:12 PM
Second verse, lines 2 and 3 don't make a clear
statement, at least to me. Good basics here - needs spit and polish.
statement, at least to me. Good basics here - needs spit and polish.
Some deep emotions here. Line 7 should say 'ground' instead of grown. The odd spacing tears up your cohesiveness. When you have good stuff to say, it
doesn't need a lot of odd punctuation . . .
A rewrite would be my suggestion. I would love to
read it if you do one.
doesn't need a lot of odd punctuation . . .
A rewrite would be my suggestion. I would love to
read it if you do one.
on Artificial Reality by PK
28 Dec 2005, 7:06 PM
There are a lot of good basics here, but it yaws
in order to make certain statements.
Line two of verse 2 should be 'has opened' - don't sacrifice good grammer to achieve an end.
in order to make certain statements.
Line two of verse 2 should be 'has opened' - don't sacrifice good grammer to achieve an end.
on lip balm by FreeFormFixation
28 Dec 2005, 7:01 PM
Cute. Maybe a stretch for rhyme though, my friend.
line 6 is out of synch... could omit 'trapped and'.
Cheese wigs is not a familiar term to me, so am supposing it is a bug??
line 6 is out of synch... could omit 'trapped and'.
Cheese wigs is not a familiar term to me, so am supposing it is a bug??
on youre there... by PhSbLoNdE569
28 Dec 2005, 6:58 PM
Such angst. This really needs tightening and endline
cohesion of some kind - as is it rambles all over the page. Take it from me, add punctuation, it gives
edges and smoothes out the bumps.
cohesion of some kind - as is it rambles all over the page. Take it from me, add punctuation, it gives
edges and smoothes out the bumps.
on Follow The Rainbow by forestchild7
28 Dec 2005, 6:56 PM
Lots of love here. I think it would do well with
some pruning and tightening up, endline repair,
and pruning. It is jagged to read, needs a smoother flow to do justice to your thoughts.
some pruning and tightening up, endline repair,
and pruning. It is jagged to read, needs a smoother flow to do justice to your thoughts.
replying on Ennui by Sisterwolf
28 Dec 2005, 12:27 PM
Thank you! My cognitive abilities range depending on stress
and other health issues. But I am trying to be a big girl and use suggestions, not go postal. This info made everything clear for me. . .
and other health issues. But I am trying to be a big girl and use suggestions, not go postal. This info made everything clear for me. . .
on Regime Change by Nicholas Jones
28 Dec 2005, 12:23 PM
Your absolutes rock. This would be better as an essay, in my opinion. Needs a cleanup of punctuation and spelling, and you need a space between until and when.
I think you have a good piece to trim and mold into
a really nice essay.
I think you have a good piece to trim and mold into
a really nice essay.
on Ah! That Love Would'st Lead Me by EggbertShootsFire
28 Dec 2005, 11:53 AM
I am setting myself for a blast from others, but -
this really isn't bad - a little forced, but it does
have the flavor of English poets of Blake's era. Personally, I love that kind of poetry, but you take a real risk posting it where it isn't seen in its best light.
And would that I could leave him!
"He, whose tone has pierced me through;
Clad in white and softly smiling,
With my tender heart left writhing,
As these shameless tears renew."
I would have put a comma after left - to emphasize
writhing, but that's me, not you.
This verse I chose was really strong, could
use some tweaking, but it is very good.
"And so, young poet, clad in black,
merely a few things your words do lack.
Hone thy skills with grace and labor,
that they might not be smote with tabor."
this really isn't bad - a little forced, but it does
have the flavor of English poets of Blake's era. Personally, I love that kind of poetry, but you take a real risk posting it where it isn't seen in its best light.
And would that I could leave him!
"He, whose tone has pierced me through;
Clad in white and softly smiling,
With my tender heart left writhing,
As these shameless tears renew."
I would have put a comma after left - to emphasize
writhing, but that's me, not you.
This verse I chose was really strong, could
use some tweaking, but it is very good.
"And so, young poet, clad in black,
merely a few things your words do lack.
Hone thy skills with grace and labor,
that they might not be smote with tabor."
on Mask by sk8boardandpoems
28 Dec 2005, 11:46 AM
Honey, I feel and share your hurt. You have a basis here for a good poem. Sometimes I cannot critique
in the proper way, so with your forgiveness, I have
written the poem another way - as a learning tool - your words are always yours.
I'm not so happy, I fake it all
All I desire is never have to crawl.
Whenever I laugh or smile,
it's fake enough to see for a mile.
They laughed and made fun of me,
without the courage to look in and see
my thoughts, my feelings, my heart.
My grades were bad, but I knew I was smart.
When tears rolled down my face,
they tied me with frayed and dirty lace.
"Tie her hands first", they yell.
Bury her in flowers so won't smell.
As I listened to all of their plan,
they took off my mask, I was a man.
"Don't hurt him, they said, he's a boy.
As they untied me and me aside,
"How about her. Let's all decide."
Prejudice came to live with me that day,
that's all that, now I nothing more to say.
in the proper way, so with your forgiveness, I have
written the poem another way - as a learning tool - your words are always yours.
I'm not so happy, I fake it all
All I desire is never have to crawl.
Whenever I laugh or smile,
it's fake enough to see for a mile.
They laughed and made fun of me,
without the courage to look in and see
my thoughts, my feelings, my heart.
My grades were bad, but I knew I was smart.
When tears rolled down my face,
they tied me with frayed and dirty lace.
"Tie her hands first", they yell.
Bury her in flowers so won't smell.
As I listened to all of their plan,
they took off my mask, I was a man.
"Don't hurt him, they said, he's a boy.
As they untied me and me aside,
"How about her. Let's all decide."
Prejudice came to live with me that day,
that's all that, now I nothing more to say.
on AIDS in a van by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
28 Dec 2005, 11:35 AM
First, be adult enough not to answer my comment with some poisoned barb. . .
I do believe you achieved your goal - this little tit
has garnered more comments than decent ones.
I was a Hospice Nurse for 25 years and regard AIDS
with respect, presenting it in ways that will uplift and educate.
I do believe you achieved your goal - this little tit
has garnered more comments than decent ones.
I was a Hospice Nurse for 25 years and regard AIDS
with respect, presenting it in ways that will uplift and educate.
Plus, my justification is that I don't use it present tense,
but future perfect.
For me, winter is dark, withdrawn and without joy.
Terror: I used the phrase ancient people - at the beginnings of time the inhabitants thought the sun was gone forever, and they would live in darkness - thus Spring Solstice, when they rejoiced
and celebrated the return of the sun and new life
I appreciate your remarks very much. They are offered sincerely and without rancor.