on some deleted poem
19 Nov 2007, 7:32 PM
I read this before you edited - you did a good job then, and now the polishing is evident.
the last 2/3 lines need some personalisation - perhaps mentioning colour/markings of the eyes. Let us know your dog. :)
the last 2/3 lines need some personalisation - perhaps mentioning colour/markings of the eyes. Let us know your dog. :)
on Fading Love by hobojo
19 Nov 2007, 7:41 PM
line 4 first stanza - all that I despise - that which I despise...something like that to rid the repitition of 'what I'
just an observation...like this a lot though, the inevitibility of it. :)
just an observation...like this a lot though, the inevitibility of it. :)
on GENTLE JANE by titan69
19 Nov 2007, 7:45 PM
this could have been funny...nah...who am I kidding, it's god awful
on It's about truckin' by INTRANSIT
16 Nov 2007, 2:07 AM
Since I've been travelling and no doubt annoying the hell out of truckies (going 80k's when the limits 110) I've developed a need to know why this kind of life is so appealing. I say life, instead of work beacuse I feel in another time I think I could have lived this way. Could you write about this aspect, or have you done so? I like this poem's descriptive, insightful picture of what the life entails. But, would love to read about why.
on INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT
16 Nov 2007, 1:41 AM
there's always a line that needs something - I see what you mean about line 8, it's a little clumsy. Yet, the line works so well with a pause after own.
on Behind closed offices by lukehanney
6 Nov 2007, 7:11 PM
The rhymes a bit off...needs sorting, Ideas very easy to identify with though. I like the lightheartedness of it.
on Why I took my ears off by INTRANSIT
6 Nov 2007, 7:37 PM
This rolls around a bit, lazily working ideas into place. Great descriptions, vaguely horrific ending. I thought the start was a little slow, but after reading a couple of times, it's perfect.
on A No One With A Face by calmyourself
6 Nov 2007, 7:56 PM
A bit rough here and there...but not too bad
on Voice of the World by Dovina
2 Nov 2007, 3:01 PM
I feel you working up to something in the first verse and then kinda fade away in the second, it needs some strength to show conviction. I like the idea of learning from an unexpected source.
on Some poems by INTRANSIT
3 Nov 2007, 10:24 PM
perfect last line - love it when reading one that hits ya just like that.
on a bit of theory by pete
3 Nov 2007, 10:28 PM
I like it - although I'm not sure if I should.
on INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT
26 Oct 2007, 4:03 PM
If I had enough sense I'd be terrified by this
on Dark Matter by Musicman
27 Oct 2007, 3:58 AM
I have a problem with the line breaks because I want this to fit a rhythm my tongue can get around without spitting all over my monitor. And with saying that I feel like I've justified the whole concept with which you write...or did I miss something?
on Four Skins by xyz
27 Oct 2007, 4:06 AM
last line - pretty good
title spelling reminds me of a band
title spelling reminds me of a band
on Henry's breeches by Stephen Robins
22 Oct 2007, 10:21 PM
It's horrible - the indignity of being an old man... hurts huh?
on some deleted poem
22 Oct 2007, 10:26 PM
would you actually say "hey young dude"? I can see someone saying hello my dear and hey old mate...It seems to me that the opening line of each verse is directed at the person, followed by your own internal musings about them. Is that right? I like this, really like it but the young dude kinda sticks...
on Her name was Marjorie Harper by Caducus
22 Oct 2007, 10:27 PM
awed
on Lonely Song(SOAD's Highway Song) by alvinb
22 Oct 2007, 10:30 PM
Remembering her makes me thrown...and nigh and ligh
Not sure these should mean?
Not sure these should mean?
third stanza line two - 'so' not clear on it's intent. Is it your joints that are aching so - or is it because they are aching you succumb? If the latter maybe a comma after ache?
This poem has a pureness about it, I love it.