on Dark Matter by Musicman
4 Nov 2007, 1:59 AM
OK, so let's try something a little different.
replying on Table for Two Please by Musicman
4 Nov 2007, 1:56 AM
Yep, I can see it. But this was one of those exercies in a stream of consciousness that took me just a minute to write. Unlike most, I will lt this one stand on its own merits but I do see your point. Thank you again for your gift!
on Winter Moon by Musicman
4 Nov 2007, 1:53 AM
I took the advice of my fellow poets and rewrote and submit for your comments. Thank you all.
replying on Winter Moon by Musicman
4 Nov 2007, 1:38 AM
Hmm, that is an interesting look at this. I did not see starlit night as necessarily cliche, but is overused in other forms of writing (short stories and novels. I will work on this and see what comes up. Thank you for your time and the gift of feedback Sasha!
replying on Winter Moon by Musicman
24 Oct 2007, 12:42 PM
I just started to peruse this site yesterday. It is becoming obvious to me that we have a lot of poets on a steep learning curve. One of my favorite sites is pathetic.org. A lot of wonderful poetry and recognized poets. Try it sometime, if for nothing else the site is beautifully done (I hate adverbs in my poetry, so pardon mine).
replying on Winter Moon by Musicman
24 Oct 2007, 12:37 PM
Interesting view and thank you for your gift! I am most cognizant of the articles in S2. More "A's" rather than so many "the's". I am impressed! This was a very early poem for me and it still brings back a great memory of my childhood.
replying on Bullfrog Night by Musicman
24 Oct 2007, 12:31 PM
I agree.
on Her name was Marjorie Harper by Caducus
24 Oct 2007, 10:27 AM
As a new member to this site this is the best I have read so far. It appears you have a creative flair but please spell check your "aplologies". Also, if this rockmage person gave it a 10 does he not see a couple of technical issues with this poem, since he sets himself up as a critic of some knowledge on poesie? That is if he has REAL knowledge. But I have read a few of his Senryus. Although a few are interesting, I do not see any prodigious SKILL.
on I Think Of by forsaken
24 Oct 2007, 7:15 AM
Hi forsaken. I would love to see this potentially wonderful piece trimmed to bare bones. There are so many unnecessary words and the meter is not fluid. You are also mixing active and passive voice,
"I think of the day you'll be back in my arms
Keeping you safe from the world's harm"
Just a suggestion here:
Awaiting the day
back in my arms
keeping safe
my love from world's harm"
although I think that needs some work in itself :).
Anyway, use that pain you are obviously feeling, but try to write this again with half as many words and you may be surprised what you find!
"I think of the day you'll be back in my arms
Keeping you safe from the world's harm"
Just a suggestion here:
Awaiting the day
back in my arms
keeping safe
my love from world's harm"
although I think that needs some work in itself :).
Anyway, use that pain you are obviously feeling, but try to write this again with half as many words and you may be surprised what you find!
on On Any Given Day... by Skamper
24 Oct 2007, 6:31 AM
And, oh yes. The last two lines are pure Bukowski, so I would not be concerned with whoever this "rockmage" guy is. SOunds like he needs to read more and write less.
on On Any Given Day... by Skamper
24 Oct 2007, 6:30 AM
Ah! Shades of Bukowski. What a wonderful read. This would go well in a darkened room among friends. Snug in the wooly cotton arms of infamy!
on The Friendship Storm by x0lovelylarnx0
24 Oct 2007, 4:32 AM
This one has potential. I do not understand the caps on "White Storm", "Lovers", "Shatters and "Victim's". I also feel that the this would read better with shorter sentence structure, i.e.
"The lover's remain
separate
as the storm reignsd.
This poem does not need to rhyme and word choice, especially in the last two lines would make this an excellent read. Also, don;t worry about rockmage and his incessant need to be noticed by giving Zeros. No poem deserves a Zero unless it is so esoteric no one can decipher it or the form and structure is so bad that the writer needs serious help.
"The lover's remain
separate
as the storm reignsd.
This poem does not need to rhyme and word choice, especially in the last two lines would make this an excellent read. Also, don;t worry about rockmage and his incessant need to be noticed by giving Zeros. No poem deserves a Zero unless it is so esoteric no one can decipher it or the form and structure is so bad that the writer needs serious help.
on INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT
24 Oct 2007, 2:03 AM
Strong imagery and intensity. I would ditch the punctuation allowing the natural flow to place the periods and commas. It is a distractor to me. Enjoyable read.
on part of autumn by winniss
24 Oct 2007, 1:39 AM
Nice imagery and flow.