on laporoscopic library by FreeFormFixation
17 Oct 2003, 7:58 AM
cast a spell and gaping ears are a bit cliche.
Like the furrowed brow your borrowed frown is burrowing down wordplay
Like the furrowed brow your borrowed frown is burrowing down wordplay
on some deleted poem
17 Oct 2003, 8:01 AM
'Lay the bones of lovers, dancing side by side
Separately in boxes.'
is a nice punchy line to end on
Separately in boxes.'
is a nice punchy line to end on
on Country music & handguns by <{Baba^Yaga}>
17 Oct 2003, 8:07 AM
More ironic if she was not true, and neither was the gun, you aiming the gun at youself and shooting her.
'I got a gun for my fist' (to replace my fist I read rather than to hold) is a cool line
'I got a gun for my fist' (to replace my fist I read rather than to hold) is a cool line
on some deleted poem
17 Oct 2003, 8:09 AM
rhyming imagine with fathom is clever.
I have a problem with the triple rhyme, it seems to surprise me every time I read it, it seems unnatural
I have a problem with the triple rhyme, it seems to surprise me every time I read it, it seems unnatural
on some deleted poem
17 Oct 2003, 8:11 AM
I don't think you should rhyme flee with see, it seems so forced.
on some deleted poem
17 Oct 2003, 8:13 AM
Cute no doubt,
the only real drawback is it lacks ambition, it does not really give a killer insight.
the only real drawback is it lacks ambition, it does not really give a killer insight.
on September 11, 2001: That Day by blues361
19 Oct 2003, 6:26 AM
'that horrible day
Remembering all those innocent people lost
The U.S. staying strong'
Of course, had all the innocent lives lost resulted in America becoming a feeble shivering wreck, it might just have been worth it.
Remembering all those innocent people lost
The U.S. staying strong'
Of course, had all the innocent lives lost resulted in America becoming a feeble shivering wreck, it might just have been worth it.
on some deleted poem
2 Oct 2003, 1:16 PM
Quite like the refrain of the first two lines.
Not sure about the repetition of swell and nuts though.
Not sure about the repetition of swell and nuts though.
on A History of Truth by Blue Magpie
9 Oct 2003, 7:43 AM
don't like the rhyming, it seem arbitrary.
Other than that I like it. Reads like a kind of thesis in verse.
Glad you mentioned emerson
So many ace lines, my favourite is' To swim is so much harder than to float or clasp the nearest rock and say that this is now my truth' a nice little half rhyme too.
Not too didactic either which is quite a feat for a poem about truth
Other than that I like it. Reads like a kind of thesis in verse.
Glad you mentioned emerson
So many ace lines, my favourite is' To swim is so much harder than to float or clasp the nearest rock and say that this is now my truth' a nice little half rhyme too.
Not too didactic either which is quite a feat for a poem about truth
on Ecohippie by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
9 Oct 2003, 7:35 AM
'I curse my parents for sending me,
To a respectable school.'
Too true
To a respectable school.'
Too true
on some deleted poem
9 Oct 2003, 7:49 AM
excellent poem, a few nits
1) verse 2 is a cliche
2) so is I think I knew her better than she
3) the repetiition of lines and themes
4) the abrupt turn at the end 'but this is not a love poem' somehow the fascinated not love needs to be eased into the poem earlier, either that or have it as an abrupt punchline.
merely details, merely details
1) verse 2 is a cliche
2) so is I think I knew her better than she
3) the repetiition of lines and themes
4) the abrupt turn at the end 'but this is not a love poem' somehow the fascinated not love needs to be eased into the poem earlier, either that or have it as an abrupt punchline.
merely details, merely details
on some deleted poem
9 Oct 2003, 7:52 AM
both beat in a chest within a dank dark grave?
yes I like it, refreshing, the spark of an idea
yes I like it, refreshing, the spark of an idea
on Never Love A Poet by Caducus
9 Oct 2003, 9:02 AM
first verse is the best, a very eccentric rhyming scheme but it seems to work.
A small criticism is the use of a narrative too much, rather than setting the scene and letting the reader infer. When the poet takes the interpetation away from the reader, the reader feels like he is prying.
Other than that good stuff
A small criticism is the use of a narrative too much, rather than setting the scene and letting the reader infer. When the poet takes the interpetation away from the reader, the reader feels like he is prying.
Other than that good stuff
on A Countercultural Trip by peaceseeker
9 Oct 2003, 12:13 PM
not bad, a little long winded, I think it tries to deal with the beat 'beat' in a too reflective way.
Good ideas about why the young condescend/ wisdom teeth/ dreads etc but needs to be snappier I think, maybe with a rhyme (just my personal preference).
Don't like the title though, it is a label
Good ideas about why the young condescend/ wisdom teeth/ dreads etc but needs to be snappier I think, maybe with a rhyme (just my personal preference).
Don't like the title though, it is a label
on B.F. by skaskowski
9 Oct 2003, 2:09 PM
Can't really hear it as a lyric,
nevertheless nice wordplay, and poetic language with something more concrete
nevertheless nice wordplay, and poetic language with something more concrete
on Working man lament by Garrett S Sexton
9 Oct 2003, 2:15 PM
how sweet, life is shit she makes it (a bit) better
somehow chillingly reminiscent
the rhyme with sheep is a bit daft though
somehow chillingly reminiscent
the rhyme with sheep is a bit daft though
on Parody Of Sadness by Miggy
9 Oct 2003, 2:19 PM
shades of john k, a fine parody
possibly should not have to tell the reader it is a parody
possibly should not have to tell the reader it is a parody
Beer that eats like a meal is a nice idea too