on some deleted poem
2 Oct 2003, 7:40 AM
a kettle with a pole sticking out?
on some deleted poem
30 Jul 2003, 3:09 PM
a couple of notes
1) the spacing didn't transfer as it should have done.
2) to zzinnia sometimes I just like experimenting, your opinion is the most valuable of anyones to me.
1) the spacing didn't transfer as it should have done.
2) to zzinnia sometimes I just like experimenting, your opinion is the most valuable of anyones to me.
on Performer by http://mulberryfairy
12 Jul 2003, 11:59 AM
coming back to the bus driver again doesnt relly work.
other than that I liked the bit about interuption of bus ride hush. And the first verse packs a lot of context in
other than that I liked the bit about interuption of bus ride hush. And the first verse packs a lot of context in
on some deleted poem
11 Jun 2002, 11:30 AM
thanks, the church reference at the end is to the way politics tries to hijack morality to teach their 'truth'
The church does not refer to right but to an institution that traditionally stood outside law
The church does not refer to right but to an institution that traditionally stood outside law
on some deleted poem
29 Aug 2002, 1:18 PM
sorry for boring you zzinnia66
on The War Jesse Owen style by oldschool
25 Sep 2003, 4:26 AM
Well put together and all that but this seems too political.
There is no emotion, the best war poem line I have read is ' red lips are not so red/ as the stained stones kissed/ by the english dead- wilfred owen.
Because it communicated something, is apolitical.
This is a bit too dogmatic
Well hung together though
There is no emotion, the best war poem line I have read is ' red lips are not so red/ as the stained stones kissed/ by the english dead- wilfred owen.
Because it communicated something, is apolitical.
This is a bit too dogmatic
Well hung together though
on Little Girl by Pervy Elf
25 Sep 2003, 4:31 AM
ok the go ahead little girl sets a very creepy tone.
You seem to switch from concerned (kind of) to the abuser 'blame everyone except yourself' though and it tales off a bit at the end could be snappier.
You seem to switch from concerned (kind of) to the abuser 'blame everyone except yourself' though and it tales off a bit at the end could be snappier.
on body image by http://mulberryfairy
25 Sep 2003, 4:33 AM
Kudos to you, you have the blue 1/10 before you even have the good marks this poem deserves.
on some deleted poem
25 Sep 2003, 4:38 AM
'road noise ripples as it hits the stars'
Not sure about this line, what does it refer to?
And also 'a wall of sound rises' this seems to key into the same visual as 'hitting the stars' and therefore diminishes its impact.
other than that ace
Not sure about this line, what does it refer to?
And also 'a wall of sound rises' this seems to key into the same visual as 'hitting the stars' and therefore diminishes its impact.
other than that ace
on "I post here cause I have a lot of readers" by Bachus
25 Sep 2003, 4:40 AM
Demonstrating such a wide understanding of different cultures
on Your Inner Ear by razorgrin
25 Sep 2003, 12:54 PM
yes, if only all science lessons were given in haiku, or vilanelle or tanka or the like. We could all be happy in the knowledge that we would never have to go to english class again.
on Here I go again by tadpole
25 Sep 2003, 12:57 PM
Not too much that could be criticised by DA's mediocre poetry chart here. In that sense this is refreshing.
Nothing to really grab but pleasant as a summers day.
Nothing to really grab but pleasant as a summers day.
on The Light by the_unknown_angel83
25 Sep 2003, 1:00 PM
like the transcription of an adolescent hissy fit.
on some deleted poem
2 Oct 2003, 7:49 AM
Should be neapolitan (as in napoli) I think.
Could do with making more snappy to increase the power of your words.
phrases like everlasting wind are fairly meaningless, and the use of ebb and flow/ swayed and lapped/ stalking prey are staples of poetry and just obstruct the reader from getting to the more creative and refreshing parts.
Overall quite good though.
Could do with making more snappy to increase the power of your words.
phrases like everlasting wind are fairly meaningless, and the use of ebb and flow/ swayed and lapped/ stalking prey are staples of poetry and just obstruct the reader from getting to the more creative and refreshing parts.
Overall quite good though.
on the way things are goin' by irishfolksuicide
2 Oct 2003, 7:34 AM
Ten witnesses; one, to stretch the ten seconds.
It is reckoned ten leaps, to let a long drag
It is reckoned ten leaps, to let a long drag
on some deleted poem
2 Oct 2003, 7:43 AM
two verses are wasted telling us that you are unable to communicate what a tragic death is.
The final verse is where the 'poem' starts, it could do with being sharper
The final verse is where the 'poem' starts, it could do with being sharper
Not sure there is much in the way of insight to grab the writer though