on I did not have sexual relations with that woman by scitz
27 Dec 2020, 3:47 PM
Like the double entendre of "come and go"
on The Mcdonald Haikus by scitz
27 Dec 2020, 3:48 PM
enjoyed the first 2 haiku; the last one not as good
on The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig
27 Dec 2020, 3:54 PM
poorly said: "fragrant colors are riot near"
I most enjoyed the first 2 stanzas and the last one.
The poem captures strong emotion.
I most enjoyed the first 2 stanzas and the last one.
The poem captures strong emotion.
on C a n u t e by Mr Pig
27 Dec 2020, 4:04 PM
canescent moon? having grey or white down? Did not fit, to me. Loved the lines: "I will drown like the Egyptians/ For the weight of water/ Is lighter than this burden of lost love." Gorgeous! Not clear why sands would be called "blasphemous"- Think in to should be "into"- Sounds like she committed suicide? Not sure. Or was drowned accidentally? And you want her to come back- so you can drown together? I get the allusions to Passover- when the Israelites fled Egypt but then the Egyptians chasing them drowned-- and is the "8 nights" a reference to the eight nights of Chanukkah? Why mix two different holidays? Might recommend using 10 to reference the 10 plagues supposedly visited on the Egyptians. Perhaps!
on Movie Stars And White Trash Weddings by scitz
27 Dec 2020, 4:05 PM
Too disjointed
on Skin, Bone, Flesh & Blood by scitz
27 Dec 2020, 4:15 PM
You move from "I" to "you" - I recommend keeping the same point of view throughout the whole poem. some poor lines: 'Every barrier I had, you went right through it"
_forcing lines that are not correct grammar just to get the rhyme is not useful: as in "you have forgot"-"will sin the stone". Hope this is useful.
_forcing lines that are not correct grammar just to get the rhyme is not useful: as in "you have forgot"-"will sin the stone". Hope this is useful.
on **The Therapist** by scitz
27 Dec 2020, 4:16 PM
liked the point of the poem.
on Danuta by deep-as-a-puddle
27 Dec 2020, 4:28 PM
world's ; to lose (not loose);
sounds stiff: "so the blossoming of the flowers must soon begin"- spring's meadows
--Liked the last 2 lines!
sounds stiff: "so the blossoming of the flowers must soon begin"- spring's meadows
--Liked the last 2 lines!
on Mississipi Murder by scitz
27 Dec 2020, 4:33 PM
A child's scream OR children's screams (both plural)- "their own creed"-
some strong emotion captured, but not all lines are equal to the task. "a dead brother will hold you tight"- worth reworking. "tomorrow's generation" - "aren't"- Some people on this web site object to being told corrections, saying these are rough drafts. Rough drafts are fine- the corrections offered can help with the next draft.
some strong emotion captured, but not all lines are equal to the task. "a dead brother will hold you tight"- worth reworking. "tomorrow's generation" - "aren't"- Some people on this web site object to being told corrections, saying these are rough drafts. Rough drafts are fine- the corrections offered can help with the next draft.
on Our Sweet Lady Lispalot by lunar
27 Dec 2020, 4:35 PM
Silly!
on Caged World by deep-as-a-puddle
27 Dec 2020, 4:37 PM
maimed- prophets-
on Surface Damage by un4208
27 Dec 2020, 4:43 PM
swallow my pain
I bet you ARE special! You get to ride the little yellow schoolbus...
I bet you ARE special! You get to ride the little yellow schoolbus...
on ''*Night*'' by youngweirdo
27 Dec 2020, 4:45 PM
I really like the last 2 lines:
"And it's all in the night/ When the wind is cold."
Could not really make sense out of: "A mist seeps down and sweeps people up"
"And it's all in the night/ When the wind is cold."
Could not really make sense out of: "A mist seeps down and sweeps people up"
on me, Deep-as-a-puddle and the elusive connection by lunar
27 Dec 2020, 4:46 PM
funny!
on purple by youngweirdo
27 Dec 2020, 4:47 PM
Furple is the name of a purple paint: Furple purple-!
on Cant sleep, clown will eat me.(A poem about clowns) by lunar
27 Dec 2020, 4:48 PM
Liked it! Very funny!
on Morning Conversation by lexicon
27 Dec 2020, 4:50 PM
Smoother: she wakes; she asks nobody;-
this is cute! I like the last line.
this is cute! I like the last line.
on The train by Art Glocken
27 Dec 2020, 4:52 PM
cutesy!
on Painting by Art Glocken
27 Dec 2020, 4:53 PM
a point (needs the space).
Yes!
Yes!