on some deleted poem
22 Oct 2003, 8:41 AM
Yes, maybe it was the cheap beer.
WOW!!!!!11
MEDIOCRITY CODE
00744481
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
WOW!!!!!11
MEDIOCRITY CODE
00744481
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
on some deleted poem
22 Oct 2003, 8:41 AM
WOW!!!!!11
MEDIOCRITY CODE
8074D001
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
MEDIOCRITY CODE
8074D001
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
on falling in with the wrong crowd. by richa
23 Oct 2003, 9:41 PM
Cogent, with a knockout ending.
on cat by Dental Panic
11 Jan 2006, 12:40 PM
Heh--clever. Fun w/ quantum mechanics! The connection between S's cat and what follows is a little tenuous though.
[Cecil Adams' ("The Straight Dope" author) has a nice little versification of the explanation of Schrodinger's cat, for those who, like me, need a refresher: http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_
[Cecil Adams' ("The Straight Dope" author) has a nice little versification of the explanation of Schrodinger's cat, for those who, like me, need a refresher: http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_
on Uncontrolled scribblings one luch break by Nicholas Jones
10 Jan 2006, 10:40 AM
Wow--must be Olde Poemranker Players week here. Welcome back. I haven't been here in ages either (work? pique?), so know what you mean about starting again.
I like "iron January" (usually it is anyway)--the rest is very drafty (as in first pass) and with some tweaking will probably reveal it's form. Neither fallacious nor pathetic.
TAFKAHattersHare
I like "iron January" (usually it is anyway)--the rest is very drafty (as in first pass) and with some tweaking will probably reveal it's form. Neither fallacious nor pathetic.
TAFKAHattersHare
on Comment on Avian 'flu by Stephen Robins
10 Jan 2006, 10:42 AM
Nice.
on I, Ann Boleyn by http://mulberryfairy
10 Jan 2006, 10:43 AM
Always a crowd pleaser.
on Birmingham gardens by INTRANSIT
11 Jan 2006, 8:08 PM
Late to the party (as always--just ask <~>, and I brought nasty cookies too). Some nice details here--really like "the specific gravity of my footsteps"; "to be like moss"; "fanning pinecones." Going to join the "joking oak" naysayers though (for what it's worth). Nice work--good luck with the submission.
on The Hermit on the Thoroughfare by http://mulberryfairy
12 Jan 2006, 2:47 PM
Some good details (I like the cubed trinity) but a lot to process. Not sure I get the connection btwn food and birth (elimination?). I think you could drop the first two lines and do a little paring elsewhere.
on eat your dinner meats by calliope
13 Jan 2006, 10:12 PM
"beef we don't need is still beef indeed" nailed it for me.
on A Haiku by amanda_dcosta
13 Jan 2006, 10:16 PM
Or even six-eight-six (or some other variation) if done right. The syllable count is the least of it. Very few (not I) can do it well, though.
Your name is fun to say.
Your name is fun to say.
I like this better than the others--a little more oblique but more effective for it. "Two became one flesh" is a cliche; might want to recast in more original words. Maybe start off with a stronger word than "It"--what hit like an asteroid? Stands in for the real word, which is always less direct and, thus, effective.
on levity kiss by skaskowski
15 Jan 2006, 9:11 AM
I get the "rules"-Leviticus intent, I guess (Leviticus is the book that deals w/ rules and ritual, right?), but the connection seems flimsy.
The main problem with this is too much telling, not enough showing. Dave Chappelle does a bit about being driven into the projects and knowing that's where they were headed because: "gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store." That raises an immediate image, just those few words. That's what's missing here. More "liquor store,
the greasy hot-dog stand" and less narrative and blatant point-making.
the greasy hot-dog stand" and less narrative and blatant point-making.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2006, 9:24 AM
Some nice detail, but some of your images don't hang together quite right. "She was
green but full of spring, fascinated with chicken wings." Huh? Swizzlesticks mix but aren't mixed, that kinda thing. Amusing.
green but full of spring, fascinated with chicken wings." Huh? Swizzlesticks mix but aren't mixed, that kinda thing. Amusing.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2006, 9:52 PM
A nice lyricism to this.
You've got such a great "eye" for details. This is good. I bet it'll end up even better. Was the repeat of "redecorated" deliberate?
Jails are seldom on main streets (other than holding cells in police stations)--even county jails are behind gates and wires and fences, so there'd be no storefronts, generally, and no sidewalks to pace. Am I taking this way more literally than you mean it? I sometimes do that; miss the metaphor.
Jails are seldom on main streets (other than holding cells in police stations)--even county jails are behind gates and wires and fences, so there'd be no storefronts, generally, and no sidewalks to pace. Am I taking this way more literally than you mean it? I sometimes do that; miss the metaphor.
on some deleted poem
17 Jan 2006, 1:52 PM
Wow--some lovely details and language. I'd pare down some of the "heres"--in the second stanza; maybe some of the "shalls" --i.e., consider cutting some of the extraneous words, so that the simplicity and power of the images comes through even stronger. Really like this.
MEDIOCRITY CODE
00040400
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.