replying on Final Moon by Caducus
13 May 2007, 11:46 AM
I meant clinical, its an end of the affair thing. The last line is the awareness its over
replying on An Ode To My Dead Husband Bert by Edna Sweetlove
1 Sep 2006, 7:24 AM
i am a cunt
on An Ode To My Dead Husband Bert by Edna Sweetlove
1 Sep 2006, 7:23 AM
Bert sounds like a man my Aunt married.
Gratuitously gross
well done
Gratuitously gross
well done
on On returning to a town where I used to live by Nicholas Jones
24 Aug 2006, 1:23 AM
Strong and well crafted opening. This reminded me of Larkin's earlier works in his Juvenilia poems chronicling coventry in a repugnant light and the sense of sadness that his birthplace was decaying.
Its an excellent piece with an assertive voice and deserves praise.
Its an excellent piece with an assertive voice and deserves praise.
on A Tragic Love Tryst In The Park Near The Sewage Works by Edna Sweetlove
24 Aug 2006, 1:19 AM
bravo
on The Breathing Dead by Caducus
18 Aug 2006, 6:35 AM
how the fuck did this shite turn up on the best list - someone get it down
on August 23, 1944 - 102 miles west of Paris by Ranger
16 Aug 2006, 2:46 AM
damn good
on Children of Wolves by Caducus
5 Aug 2006, 1:43 AM
Anyone read Birthday letters?
replying on Here's your God by Caducus
2 Aug 2006, 1:22 AM
cataracts silver = moon gold = sun
constant blindness
constant blindness
on Here's your God by Caducus
1 Aug 2006, 5:33 AM
rough draft
replying on The Lonesome Loser by Dovina
31 Jul 2006, 1:37 AM
Dovina
this user called friend has been stalking certain people atoning comments they didnt like on their own work. In some kitchen, somewhere in the world their is a bunny simmering and possibly a zit ridden teen sticking pins in us lol.
this user called friend has been stalking certain people atoning comments they didnt like on their own work. In some kitchen, somewhere in the world their is a bunny simmering and possibly a zit ridden teen sticking pins in us lol.
replying on 08:12AM Hiroshima by Caducus
27 Jul 2006, 6:42 AM
OMD, Aztec camera, fun boy 3 and lloyd cole and the commotions made me the sullen guy i am today.
Oh forget the smiths too.
Oh forget the smiths too.
replying on 08:12AM Hiroshima by Caducus
27 Jul 2006, 5:02 AM
changed it slightly but still in that trap you dont like
on I'm Learning To Drive by amanda_dcosta
21 Jul 2006, 2:02 AM
Here's an example creating more of a controlled meter, a touch of metaphor yet retaining what you implied in the original.
If you want to change the following stanzas give it a go, the flow and line meter alone can do wonders to the readability and general impresson a poem can give. You have the whimsical vibe and portray things nice enough its just the control you kinda lose.
sitting at the wheel.
rain clouds storm heaven
trees arch like a whores back,
with electric veins and drums
Heâs there in my vehicle
an observant kindly instructor,
Watching my every move,
eyes fixed on the road
he commandsâ¦
âLeft indicator,
brakes a little,
clutch and first gear,
move on slowly⦠hump ahead
press the clutch and shift to two,
accelerate a bit,
if youâre confident, shift your gears to three
and speed onâ.
And so I do. I shift to the fourth,
speed away,
ever confident that I know it all
and forgets heâs there.
The thrill of being in control
envelopes my senses.
Iâm transferred to a world of my own,
till I come to a junction;
the rainâs pouring down
and I donât know how to stop,
when he suddenly presses
the brakes..
and then I realize
heâs got the controls
on his side too,
and Iâm saved in the nick of time.
Lord, how could I forget
Youâre in control of my life?
Iâm glad you are.
If you want to change the following stanzas give it a go, the flow and line meter alone can do wonders to the readability and general impresson a poem can give. You have the whimsical vibe and portray things nice enough its just the control you kinda lose.
sitting at the wheel.
rain clouds storm heaven
trees arch like a whores back,
with electric veins and drums
Heâs there in my vehicle
an observant kindly instructor,
Watching my every move,
eyes fixed on the road
he commandsâ¦
âLeft indicator,
brakes a little,
clutch and first gear,
move on slowly⦠hump ahead
press the clutch and shift to two,
accelerate a bit,
if youâre confident, shift your gears to three
and speed onâ.
And so I do. I shift to the fourth,
speed away,
ever confident that I know it all
and forgets heâs there.
The thrill of being in control
envelopes my senses.
Iâm transferred to a world of my own,
till I come to a junction;
the rainâs pouring down
and I donât know how to stop,
when he suddenly presses
the brakes..
and then I realize
heâs got the controls
on his side too,
and Iâm saved in the nick of time.
Lord, how could I forget
Youâre in control of my life?
Iâm glad you are.
on I'm Learning To Drive by amanda_dcosta
21 Jul 2006, 1:53 AM
The images are conjured vividly and the stronger opening helps. The ending was a bit of a letdown as I got the impression throughout that this was going to be a chilled out poem about driving around in the elements and in the end i think you xcranked the gears and spun out out control (pardon the cheesy pun).
If you made this about six or so lines shorter it could be a really cool piece.
Dont get me wrong its good, worth a 7 or 8 in my opinion but not the finished piece it could be.
If you made this about six or so lines shorter it could be a really cool piece.
Dont get me wrong its good, worth a 7 or 8 in my opinion but not the finished piece it could be.
replying on Lovers east of the Coombe by Caducus
28 Jun 2006, 1:51 AM
A bough abloom from autumns tomb -
they are staring at the birth of seasons from the tomb of seasons - the ground of leaves and spines.
Autumn only really makes its point in the last line, first the clearing of blossom and then the tomb of leaves on her tomb. Her autumn was in the woon (dwelling) where sadly they never got chance to dwell (a bit like blossom)
they are staring at the birth of seasons from the tomb of seasons - the ground of leaves and spines.
Autumn only really makes its point in the last line, first the clearing of blossom and then the tomb of leaves on her tomb. Her autumn was in the woon (dwelling) where sadly they never got chance to dwell (a bit like blossom)
on My secret to life by amanda_dcosta
23 Jun 2006, 1:37 AM
typo - by-pass
not bad, I like the occasional rhyme and the fact you wrote what followed on well as opposed to rhyme overdose.
not bad, I like the occasional rhyme and the fact you wrote what followed on well as opposed to rhyme overdose.
After these hangings they were treated to a coating of hot tar and left to rot for 35 years - Coventry justice has never been the same since lol.