on A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta
5 Jun 2006, 1:53 AM
Some of the rhymings off due to a sense of allegiance of rhtme over substance but their is also some good lines notably 17-19 and first stza fairly good.
on Nomads by amanda_dcosta
5 Jun 2006, 1:50 AM
Now this is real good and line 3 is the thoughts i would share when i see the same view.
V.good
V.good
replying on Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp
2 Jun 2006, 9:24 AM
its like a gay beach - too many but-ts.
Just needs a trim, my creative spirits aint good today.
Just needs a trim, my creative spirits aint good today.
on Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp
2 Jun 2006, 6:25 AM
Opening 2 lines of S3 are the thorn in this, other than that it holds together in a frayed kinda way.
on Non-Partisan by MacFrantic
2 Jun 2006, 6:23 AM
i feel like this sometimes, line 2 is good but it seems to be in fash every year.
on Wonât Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta
2 Jun 2006, 6:18 AM
Few problems in this one are it's too self pitying which shrouds any chance of empathy.
Death's face could be elaborated on, its the one bit that interested me.
Needs to be shorter and more impacting.
Death's face could be elaborated on, its the one bit that interested me.
Needs to be shorter and more impacting.
replying on The Flawed Inventor by Caducus
26 May 2006, 1:30 AM
brown windows are the eyes of the inventor.
replying on Numbers add to nothing by Caducus
20 May 2006, 2:45 AM
how about 16 half closed eyes? - idea behind that is to imply they have to see it so they can know the murderers gone but at the same time they find the idea barbaric?
replying on Numbers add to nothing by Caducus
20 May 2006, 2:40 AM
Ok i just edited a new version. Let me explain why i chose to use two limp hands. It seems obvious why but in onew word it would be 'redemption' that is the notion that prisoners often self proclaim they find and get.
I may use your complete verse instead but i'm hungover to fuckery at the moment so will go back to it when jack daniels leaves my body alone.
I may use your complete verse instead but i'm hungover to fuckery at the moment so will go back to it when jack daniels leaves my body alone.
replying on Numbers add to nothing by Caducus
20 May 2006, 2:34 AM
Love the exodus idea its hard and effective. You may have a point about the sixteen silies, the four tears represent the parents of the murderer and the sixteen smiles the victims parents, however I do have limits on a first draft and you've spent time crafting a thoughtful and helpful comment and i appreciate that.
Sometimes i write two versions of the poem and in this case i think i will as i can conclude with others what is best to do for the poem.
Dovina mentioned the last line which is pivotal though perhaps preachy as it leads to what the title and act does - it leads to nothing.
thanks for your comments you and dovina often support me and its good of u both.
Sometimes i write two versions of the poem and in this case i think i will as i can conclude with others what is best to do for the poem.
Dovina mentioned the last line which is pivotal though perhaps preachy as it leads to what the title and act does - it leads to nothing.
thanks for your comments you and dovina often support me and its good of u both.
on Goa by amanda_dcosta
19 May 2006, 5:42 AM
ahhhh Goa the place where one attractive woman attracts a zillion indian men with fruit and cheap ornaments.
Lovely people, lovely place and good to see a poem on it.
Leave poemranker out though - it has no place in Goa :)
Lovely people, lovely place and good to see a poem on it.
Leave poemranker out though - it has no place in Goa :)
on The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina
19 May 2006, 5:39 AM
Sorry this one made me dizzy and like my boss needs a makeover.
Your problem here i think is the story overbears th epoetry within it.
C'mon Dovina love gimmee a Dovina special.
Your problem here i think is the story overbears th epoetry within it.
C'mon Dovina love gimmee a Dovina special.
on Play ball he said by thepinkbunnyofdoom
19 May 2006, 5:35 AM
looks like a copy and paste that went horribly wrong -
a shame as some of its okay but t be honest it gave me cataracts :-&
a shame as some of its okay but t be honest it gave me cataracts :-&
replying on The Wife and the Spider by Caducus
19 May 2006, 5:26 AM
Thank you.
replying on Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger
19 May 2006, 2:47 AM
PS Think of crimson not as a word but as poets slut word.
It aint your fault as i had a very sarcastic and humorous lecture from H8 or Dark Angel about it :-)
It aint your fault as i had a very sarcastic and humorous lecture from H8 or Dark Angel about it :-)
on Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger
19 May 2006, 2:45 AM
I can see how much your writings come on and thought i should comment on what i think you need to do to fastrack the improvement even more.
This could be stronger as a poem if you make it more concrete (example below)
You are,
a small gold leaf
blown over warm earth
Like a kiss-
Content at rest
But,
if you had these eyes,
you would see
him sitting,
in the arms of an apple tree
She will hold him,
with every other seeking bliss
and so on......
it leaves the images stronger as it sppears more concise and focused. The style of this poem is synonymous with a lot you write and i always tailor your meter to how i imagine it could and should be.
Anyway I'll probably get the piss taken out of me for leaving a proper comment lol.
This could be stronger as a poem if you make it more concrete (example below)
You are,
a small gold leaf
blown over warm earth
Like a kiss-
Content at rest
But,
if you had these eyes,
you would see
him sitting,
in the arms of an apple tree
She will hold him,
with every other seeking bliss
and so on......
it leaves the images stronger as it sppears more concise and focused. The style of this poem is synonymous with a lot you write and i always tailor your meter to how i imagine it could and should be.
Anyway I'll probably get the piss taken out of me for leaving a proper comment lol.
We never left with 4 collies, we left with one and all i can say is it was the nastiest dog i ever had.