on 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy
17 May 2006, 8:29 AM
I dont think I have seen something so mixed in that some of its really good such as the 72 virgins and L2V1 but it slides into the not so good with words like twat. I'm all for bad language but your work here is a cocktail of par excellence and below average.
I'm inspired and disappointed all at once lol.
I'm inspired and disappointed all at once lol.
replying on Old River Sherbourne by Caducus
17 May 2006, 7:16 AM
I think you're right and as I'm supposed to be writing a book on coventry i think it needs sorting so thanks.
replying on Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins
13 May 2006, 3:31 AM
GW has sent that same comment to dozens of poems - or if not her then a hacker or prawne.
replying on Old River Sherbourne by Caducus
13 May 2006, 3:30 AM
I love it when you get helpful AND nasty - thanks for the help and the laugh.
on A predatorâs Joy by Dovina
2 May 2006, 9:09 AM
2nd stanza good but drop the word - and - it reads better without it. I think lines 3/4 of S1 are too verbose, how about -
bawling into the megaphone
strong language sieved by mono
insult, logic,
scratching dirt over mistakes....
just have this impression that the passion in ones voice would be wrecked from a megaphone as everyone sounds the same when shouting through a m/phone
bawling into the megaphone
strong language sieved by mono
insult, logic,
scratching dirt over mistakes....
just have this impression that the passion in ones voice would be wrecked from a megaphone as everyone sounds the same when shouting through a m/phone
on Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins
28 Apr 2006, 2:08 AM
4th stanza was nearly a coffee spitting experience from cracking up. For using fisticuffs i have to rob the queens sword and wipe it on your lapelle.
Fuckin hoot, and the best man with a bouquet is something i want to forget but is like a friggin pussycat dolls chorus and haunts me to a rage.
Great poem for that friday feeling.
typo line 8 - not that you probably care.
Fuckin hoot, and the best man with a bouquet is something i want to forget but is like a friggin pussycat dolls chorus and haunts me to a rage.
Great poem for that friday feeling.
typo line 8 - not that you probably care.
on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina
28 Apr 2006, 2:03 AM
so perceptive and novel in description, adore line 3 for it made me visualize from there on.
last line s2 how about - dying to foam gasps.
Lots of potential it reads like a labour of love.
last line s2 how about - dying to foam gasps.
Lots of potential it reads like a labour of love.
on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta
28 Apr 2006, 2:00 AM
Sweet and good natured but no means your best.
Ps the remark from gods wife has been made on almost a dozen poems so take no notice.
Ps the remark from gods wife has been made on almost a dozen poems so take no notice.
on Tea and Battenburg by Caducus
20 Apr 2006, 7:44 AM
a draft at present.
replying on Face of Iran by Caducus
18 Apr 2006, 1:22 AM
watts it is then, thanks.
on Face of Iran by Caducus
13 Apr 2006, 7:49 AM
Anyone seen Threads?
on Letting go by Caducus
11 Apr 2006, 3:09 AM
a change of style for me.
on The copper man and Labrador by Caducus
10 Apr 2006, 7:07 AM
okay someone else do it i cant.
on The copper man and Labrador by Caducus
10 Apr 2006, 7:07 AM
How dare the barrister be knocked off top spot i self vote a zero.
replying on The Day After Next by cyan9
10 Apr 2006, 7:04 AM
To name drop would bore the sh1t outta me with all the hassle it would cause.
on Morning City by Jack Diamond
10 Apr 2006, 1:32 AM
Reminds me of an early 'intransit' style poetry yet the confidence in your writing shows and its very stylistic. Like your bebut (well for me anyway)
on Maybe I Wasnât Born on a Foolâs Day by Dovina
10 Apr 2006, 1:30 AM
No fool then lol.
Fun read score -
Fun read score -
replying on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina
10 Apr 2006, 1:25 AM
Cool, I love history too and those pesky redcoats were party poopers.
replying on The Day After Next by cyan9
10 Apr 2006, 1:22 AM
Making a transition from poetic verse to narrative is very difficult to do. My point is that it reads like a draft - a good one nonetheless but not one that I would deem good enough against the competition of published authors if thats your plan. I think the main problem is lines such as :
this process began awakening limbs and organs that
had never wanted to feel this pain again
You must be able to describe something without the comfort and cosseting of commas, so try and do the image in one without having to drag it out as it shows a lack of confidence, a lack of skill and ability to show what it is you are saying without actually saying it and patronizing the readers intellect.
I'll be honest I cannot do it so work with the best i can within my ability. I can hone and improve my talents but the finished article is a reference to ones self of being totally aware that the final print is the representation of the peak of ones ability.
Its a good piece of writing but do not be constricted by deadlines or by a personal time scope you have set. Let the piece manifest from advice given and personal inspiration and then let it loose.
Examples are hard to give as you hold the pen and the thought processes - not me or anyone else.
Its got a lot of potential so dont get shot down by quick reader sick feeder bunch (whoever they may be).
G'luck
this process began awakening limbs and organs that
had never wanted to feel this pain again
You must be able to describe something without the comfort and cosseting of commas, so try and do the image in one without having to drag it out as it shows a lack of confidence, a lack of skill and ability to show what it is you are saying without actually saying it and patronizing the readers intellect.
I'll be honest I cannot do it so work with the best i can within my ability. I can hone and improve my talents but the finished article is a reference to ones self of being totally aware that the final print is the representation of the peak of ones ability.
Its a good piece of writing but do not be constricted by deadlines or by a personal time scope you have set. Let the piece manifest from advice given and personal inspiration and then let it loose.
Examples are hard to give as you hold the pen and the thought processes - not me or anyone else.
Its got a lot of potential so dont get shot down by quick reader sick feeder bunch (whoever they may be).
G'luck
The last line but 3 - suds? I'm sure you can find a better word than suds and that line is clumsy anyway as you'll find it hard to convince people that an abyss is blissful so how about -
mother sun's fingers stroke the abyss
only to fade on its burning mouth
close to her lips where i drowned
only to surface with lies.
something along those lines maybe, it has potential bud.