on some deleted poem
2 Jan 2007, 1:33 AM
This is good. I like the stop-start beat but it could be altered here and there.
on some deleted poem
2 Jan 2007, 1:34 AM
Wahey!
on The blankness of his life by Nicholas Jones
10 Dec 2006, 10:29 AM
This simply has to be favourited.
Don't think you need the 'what?' at the start of line three. Other than that, wonderful. Can you please write something happy though?
Don't think you need the 'what?' at the start of line three. Other than that, wonderful. Can you please write something happy though?
on some deleted poem
10 Dec 2006, 10:33 AM
Nice - as Nicholas says, it's a bit awkward. I think it would work well with some loose rhyming. I hate rewriting other peoples' work, but this is something like what I mean;
Four A.M. and I am awake, reading Dunn
sipping cold coffee and needing a
cold corn muffin, like it were the last one
of a condemned man
I know that changes the scene a little, but it's more the sound that I like there.
Four A.M. and I am awake, reading Dunn
sipping cold coffee and needing a
cold corn muffin, like it were the last one
of a condemned man
I know that changes the scene a little, but it's more the sound that I like there.
on Self Portrait by Dovina
10 Dec 2006, 10:34 AM
I prefer this edit.
on Ode to the Bun by Stephen Robins
10 Dec 2006, 10:38 AM
How can your face be like a fat isoceles triangle? Is it trying to imitate Fraser's legs?
on From pains inside by Prince of Void
10 Dec 2006, 10:40 AM
I don't know what to say
on The life of a clerk by Schlinkey
8 Dec 2006, 5:10 AM
I like the idea, but it's overdone in a few places; toning down the language here and there would work well for me. Also, you keep a strict pentameter as far as I can see, but the metre's messy - it's mostly where the 'big words' come in, but you can also get away with varying the syllable count now and then to play with the metre.
on Prayer by amanda_dcosta
8 Dec 2006, 5:14 AM
I'm tempted to suggest adding rhymes to this - it needs to move a little more easily.
on Particle Deceleration by MacFrantic
8 Dec 2006, 5:15 AM
Well, I think this is marvellous to read but if you want me to find any meanings below the surface it'll have to wait awhile.
on Happy birthday to myself by Prince of Void
2 Jan 2007, 1:17 AM
Happy birthday indeed
on some deleted poem
2 Jan 2007, 1:25 AM
Dovina's got a point about the vagueness, I'm afraid. Slender moments failing? How do moments fail? Mortality's dust falling is quite a good idea in a post-apocalyptic way. You could turn this into a pseudo-biblical style piece to accommodate the language (epoch, eon, halcyon etc.) as it seems a little OTT as it is.
As an aside, Redhill isn't a million miles from my home, although I can't remember having ever been there.
As an aside, Redhill isn't a million miles from my home, although I can't remember having ever been there.
on Russian absinthe by AlexandraLeaving
2 Jan 2007, 1:26 AM
I quite like this and I don't know why.
Love the last stanza and like the idea within 'greenly', although I hate the word itself. 'Factuality' really doesn't sit well as a line end, 'fact' would do just as well for me.
Too many uses of 'he'; maybe you're trying to show his idealistic egocentrism, but it sits awkwardly with me. Still effective though.
Happy New Year :-)
Too many uses of 'he'; maybe you're trying to show his idealistic egocentrism, but it sits awkwardly with me. Still effective though.
Happy New Year :-)
on Same old rancour (a yellow stream of consciousness) by ecargo
16 Jan 2007, 1:52 PM
Hey there ecargo, I wasn't going to sign back to poemeranker but I saw you about and thought I'd say the hellos. Long time no speak, how's the kayaking?
on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina
16 Jan 2007, 2:17 PM
I quite liked some of it but then as Stephen will tell you, I'm incapable of disliking anything, and as rockmage will tell you I have no talent, so it's a pretty pointless compliment.
on some deleted poem
16 Jan 2007, 2:04 PM
Ninety percent of the lines are beautiful, but they seem like just that; a collection of nice lines. The picture is vivid, and I think it's beginning to do what you want it to do, but it needs more substance. I'd change the last line as well - it didn't work for me.
How's life treating you these days?
How's life treating you these days?
on some deleted poem
16 Jan 2007, 2:31 PM
Hell yes. This is damn good. Line 14 I think you can do without 'the' (trips the rhythm as it is), the rest rocks my world :-D
on Give it up Max by Stephen Robins
18 Jan 2007, 8:51 AM
Top closing stanza.
I have a David Gower-based poem in production for you.
I have a David Gower-based poem in production for you.
A subway, a tram and a policeman with a torch? Where are you?