on She dreams by amanda_dcosta
25 Nov 2006, 1:59 PM
Excellent except for 'of oaks and pines and firs growing tall' - rhythm's out and I'd rather see another way of describing them rather than as being tall. But this is one of your best, without a doubt.
on Instruction by Dovina
25 Nov 2006, 2:02 PM
'I'd rather do those things/when future world was kind' - tense consistency? Other than that, this is grand. You should live the Ray Mears life.
on In sickness and in health by Schlinkey
25 Nov 2006, 2:03 PM
Good villanelle.
on Sonnet 1 (Nevermore - The last sonnet) by Schlinkey
25 Nov 2006, 2:05 PM
The double rhyme of spoiled and soiled is distracting, the rest is very readable.
on Sonnet 2 (Eulogy for a clerk) by Schlinkey
27 Nov 2006, 1:57 PM
Another very readable sonnet, although again I'm unconvinced by the initial internal rhyming - it sets up an expectation that isn't carried through. It needs punctuation after each quote in order to satisfy the grammar nazi, and over here 'clerk' is pronounced 'clark' which screws up your final rhyme, but that's not really an issue. 'Almond eyes' is really good, conjures up cyanide connotations (works well with the death), and the last two lines are well worked.
on Journey To The Centre Of The Loom by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
27 Nov 2006, 2:16 PM
I eagerly await 'Around the Loom in Eighty Days'
on some deleted poem
27 Nov 2006, 2:19 PM
At the present moment in time, the poem up the ladder is called 'Wish I was a better lover'. It seems appropriate, somehow.
on Raising the nap by howl
27 Nov 2006, 2:23 PM
'Slow as the creep of soil' is a really nice image. Does 'teas' want an apostrophe?
on Sonnet 3 (Farewell my muse) by Schlinkey
27 Nov 2006, 2:26 PM
I'd cut a few of the commas and replace them with alternative punctuation - purely for presentation. Other than that I enjoyed this, although I rarely like seeing the dummy auxiliary 'do' used, even in a classical style. If it's possible to edit that out, it might be worthwhile.
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2006, 2:09 PM
When did jackets ever rhyme with cunt? Get rid of the jackets, keep the cunt. I'd imagine you went to great lengths to avoid becoming an accountant.
on OI! The Brown Flame by SupremeDreamer
2 Dec 2006, 2:13 PM
You need an extra exclamation mark in line 5.
on The Day Before Christmas by grumpycrafter
4 Dec 2006, 2:18 AM
Absolutely hilarious, although it could do with the rhythm tightening up in quite a few places.
on Dance With Me by grumpycrafter
4 Dec 2006, 2:19 AM
Nice idea. It wants to be put to a waltz beat though.
on some deleted poem
4 Dec 2006, 2:21 AM
Decent write, the last two lines are pretty good. I'd change 'nursing' though, personally.
on The Mountain by Nicholas Jones
8 Dec 2006, 4:57 AM
You must have known that anonymous turd was inevitable. But hey. This is great, although 'around' (line 1) probably sounds better as just 'round', and 'I believed that you were actually dying' fucking creeps me out. It moves really well, really quickly, and the last line is a killer.
on Self Portrait by Dovina
8 Dec 2006, 5:00 AM
Too many uses of 'his' in the first two lines for my liking - change it to '...dips a brush'. Not sure about a contemplative hat, but I do like the rest. 'Clad in kindness/optimistic likeness' is a really good bit of wordplay there.
on I want to press my fingertips by bwaha
8 Dec 2006, 5:02 AM
Nice. Reminds me a bit of "i like my body when it is with your body".
on some deleted poem
8 Dec 2006, 5:07 AM
Being a Tolkein geek I have to love this, although I wonder how it would work if you set it out simply as prose. Personal preferences would be to for 'the child of myself', and if you could find something other than 'washed' (overused, in my opinion). 'I stood on the parapets of man' is wonderful and the ending carries a message that will never get old.
on A place for everyone by aliena
3 Dec 2006, 6:20 AM
And there is also scope for movies about aliens. You might want to edit out one of the repeated 'ands', the one at the start of line 4 seems the obvious choice to me.
on Lines Composed in a Vancouver Skyscraper by david
4 Dec 2006, 2:23 AM
I like this, I really do, but it seems to be better suited as a prose poem. I'd change 'brown finger' to 'tanned finger', but that could just be the result of years of -=Dark_Angel=- poetry. Good write.