on Which Ever Way The Wind Blows by Katie
5 Apr 2003, 9:17 AM
This is wonderful! It's a shame nobody else has looked at it yet. I love it all. 10
on some deleted poem
9 Apr 2003, 11:14 AM
Hey TanHand I think you've got yourself a winner. Get in contact with Channel 5, they'll adore you!
Let the last two lines go, I don't think they really fit in with the rest. I know this sounds really shitty of me, but check the spelling a bit more, it just makes it easier for the reader.
Aside from that I love this but I would like to see more. Redraft it if you will, and I'll have another look. I think it's worth a seven. I'm in that kind of mood.
Aside from that I love this but I would like to see more. Redraft it if you will, and I'll have another look. I think it's worth a seven. I'm in that kind of mood.
on some deleted poem
7 Apr 2003, 12:17 PM
My friend knows someone who won 60k in court and spent it all. Even so, it's bloody unfair. Yeah.
on some deleted poem
7 Apr 2003, 12:23 PM
Aha! So that's how you do it! Whyever did I not think to pick up my blue bib? Silly silly me.
I think that you and Bobjim should write a poem together...
I will give this a zero in the hope of getting it into the bottom 15 so everyone can read it. Selfish I know, but still...if you would like me to change it then just let me know.
Good evening my good friend.
I think that you and Bobjim should write a poem together...
I will give this a zero in the hope of getting it into the bottom 15 so everyone can read it. Selfish I know, but still...if you would like me to change it then just let me know.
Good evening my good friend.
on Past by Dostoyevsky
6 Apr 2003, 7:56 AM
Right, here goes. I really like line 13, it works...although I agree with z that a bit more elaboration would work. You think that my work has too many intricacies, which may well be true-but here I think you could easily afford to offer more description to the reader. Make me see the peasant, make me see the illusion. Get rid of the 'random images and thoughts' because that tells nothing. If you must keep the thoughts, let the reader know what they are and why they are relevant. Definitely keep the line after-it's great.
You must expand and explain the delusion and the truth because they're meaningless as they are. I saw that you want people to take your work at face value which is cool because that lets you go full on crazy with description-but that means you must describe and tell everything that needs to be told in order to make sense of the poem.
Okay, that's that for now. I will not vote on this yet because I expect you will want to edit it. At the moment it wouldn't get a very high mark, but I will come back to mark it when you've redone it.
Definitely remove the commas. They are unnecessary in this format.
PS Why you in a stress with me?
You must expand and explain the delusion and the truth because they're meaningless as they are. I saw that you want people to take your work at face value which is cool because that lets you go full on crazy with description-but that means you must describe and tell everything that needs to be told in order to make sense of the poem.
Okay, that's that for now. I will not vote on this yet because I expect you will want to edit it. At the moment it wouldn't get a very high mark, but I will come back to mark it when you've redone it.
Definitely remove the commas. They are unnecessary in this format.
PS Why you in a stress with me?
on Which Ever Way The Wind Blows by Katie
5 Apr 2003, 9:20 AM
I've just seen your profile and I think that you're the best teenage poet on this site! How's Florida at this time of year?
on Our Sweet Lady Lispalot by lunar
5 Apr 2003, 9:25 AM
Hey Lunar, just noticed you're online too...can't stop cos I've got to go out, but I still think this one's great! 9
on Broken Man by Dostoyevsky
6 Apr 2003, 8:03 AM
It's quite difficult for me to read these while listening to Wishbone Ash.
Do I notice just a hint of Plato in here?
Also I can see that only myself and Lunar have read this one. All I can suggest is that you spend time reading the works of others.
Have a nice day-see you tomorrow.
Do I notice just a hint of Plato in here?
Also I can see that only myself and Lunar have read this one. All I can suggest is that you spend time reading the works of others.
Have a nice day-see you tomorrow.
on Blinded by Dostoyevsky
6 Apr 2003, 8:09 AM
Right, here it is. I've been thinking about this one a bit and whereas there's some good stuff I believe that you should try to inject some beauty into it. The bit that gets me is 'drowning pool'. That has no relevance to the poem. Use a better adjective-one that's more truthful or change the line a bit. What about "Tumbling under this troubled pool". Well maybe not that but you get the idea.
on A Love Story For The Dead by Caducus
6 Apr 2003, 8:16 AM
Yep, I like this one too, but I would love to see more description in the second stanza. Even so I believe this is worth an 8.
("Love never dies, it stays"-one of the best lines in any of your poems)
("Love never dies, it stays"-one of the best lines in any of your poems)
on all in my head by calilegzzz
3 Apr 2003, 11:29 AM
Give this a twist towards the end, dedicate it to your mother rather than someperson we'll never really know about. If you want to keep the subject the same then it needs more complexity and slightly less cliche. I quite like the opener/concluder.
on Ode to necrophilia by Bobjim
5 Apr 2003, 9:05 AM
Not nearly enough zeros. At all. Here's one more for your count, though, young Bobby J.
on Bizzare by Bobjim the II
5 Apr 2003, 9:10 AM
And I thought you were joking about the whole sickness thing. How silly of me.
on some deleted poem
5 Apr 2003, 9:15 AM
I know someone who has a yeast infection and they can't eat chocolate for a year. Ouch.
I will give you an 8 out of sympathy. There you go, hope you get better soon.
I will give you an 8 out of sympathy. There you go, hope you get better soon.
on some deleted poem
3 Apr 2003, 11:50 AM
Sweetly done, young lady. I don't know who Joey is but he must be turning scarlet. Beautiful.
(Since I'm currently on a advice mission, I would like to ask you if you'll leave some advice on my latest efforts please)
9
(Since I'm currently on a advice mission, I would like to ask you if you'll leave some advice on my latest efforts please)
9
on la vieja loca con los gatos by <~>
7 Apr 2003, 12:19 PM
Not bad. Not quite as good as some of your other stuff. Oh well.
on why can't i say 'teabag' on the radio? by bondjedi
3 Apr 2003, 11:24 AM
Fair enough...
on some deleted poem
9 Apr 2003, 5:39 AM
This is the question that has plagued mankind for centuries now.
Oh, hang on...no it isn't.
Indeed.
Oh, hang on...no it isn't.
Indeed.
on The lyric of the cabbage by Dostoyevsky
6 Apr 2003, 8:00 AM
The commas, the commas...NOOOOO
You are most certainly better at writing these lighthearted ditties than the poems of yours.
I'm thinking an 8 sounds about right.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You are most certainly better at writing these lighthearted ditties than the poems of yours.
I'm thinking an 8 sounds about right.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,