on some deleted poem
16 Jun 2007, 1:45 PM
The gibberings of an idiot.
on bitten {one liner} by sca
16 Jun 2007, 1:53 PM
enough with the redundant parentheses. and shouldn't it be a firefly presuming the firefly is the 'he' part of the simile
on [Gasp]{last letter, first letter} by sca
16 Jun 2007, 1:49 PM
There isn't a whole lot of point in having the end letter of a line and the letter at the beginning of the next line the same. I understand it was an allpoetry challenge. It was a stupid one. It works for the s's sonically but y at the end of a word has a different sound to a y used at the beginning of a word. When you do these challenges things seem kind of forced also.
on Call Someone Right Away by jessicazee
16 Jun 2007, 1:58 PM
I like the voice. I like the way you throw the last line too.
on Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina
16 Jun 2007, 2:28 PM
Mentioning may twice in a couple of lines is inelegant. Otherwise perfectly fine.
on Temptation by nicole081083
16 Jun 2007, 2:30 PM
lustful temptation? burning sensation? is this about VD.
on The kissing chair incident by Stephen Robins
16 Jun 2007, 2:24 PM
I'm not sure if I'm reading this right. Were you one of the chinless wondren responsible for the perming of frizzled hairs.
on Between two Truths by Dovina
16 Jun 2007, 2:44 PM
Give up on the trite musings on God and religion.
on leaves of clover by lmp
16 Jun 2007, 2:35 PM
I think verses 2,3,4 are really well written the overall story from then on gets a bit daft though. N.B. I don't think wreck rhymes with nect'r whichever way you strangle it.
on No-Strings by sca
16 Jun 2007, 2:02 PM
No need for the damn it bit. The third verse is the weakest by far so I'd shelve it. Other than that sweet in a kind of naive pimply way.
I don't really know what a holy minor fall is, I think you mean a pun on minor as a child and minor in music but to what end I'm not sure. Also try and avoid cliches like coming gloom crumbling tomb. Other than that good. Some of the phrasing is quite complicated but good. The poem is strongest where you explore the physical nature of the balalaika and play with the metaphor.
on Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta
2 Jun 2007, 3:42 PM
Don't like. Every so often someone posts a poem which pretty much lists different colours. I did it my self once. It just doesn't work.
on Atlantis Destroyed by Sasha
2 Jun 2007, 3:27 PM
Rather good. A couple of lines I don't like-- the morning mused/ tried to speak is too abstract and beneath an air where humans did not speak is a touch convoluted. You don't actually have to say something didn't happen (i.e humans didn't speak) in a poem because it doesn't happen by the fact of it not being written of. I like the canes bit.
on Barking Bargain by Dovina
2 Jun 2007, 3:32 PM
The final verse doesn't really make sense. It parses as: Was the loss he came out for greater than the loss which was offered.
on some deleted poem
2 Jun 2007, 3:38 PM
Godawful maudlin sentiment. The number of pomes I read on here that are just a string of overwrought cliches; darkness, grief, tears, drowning sorrow. Pity is not spelt pitty. And at the end the spelling goes terribly awry. Have the -10- of shame.
on some deleted poem
2 Jun 2007, 3:38 PM
This is not a senryu, it is a bollocks.
on some deleted poem
23 May 2007, 3:12 AM
This is an ace argument for the Iraq war.
on intricate babbling by eunique
31 Jul 2007, 1:54 PM
Haiku don't tend to have many syllables to play with so I would lose 'you'. As haiku are supposed to have two intersecting images I would say third line should read 'a stone thrown' to seperate it from the turbulent heart fragile body image.
on some deleted poem
31 Jul 2007, 1:55 PM
They are pretty godawful these towelheads. -10-
on Proctor, the patient must be beaten. by Y2kSlamPoet
31 Jul 2007, 1:58 PM
Probably. 'who had turned silent in order to achieve the illusion of Zen' amused me though.