on farmer's market by fair12
12 Aug 2004, 5:41 AM
Well written, loses it a bit at the end 'souls' and 'markers' seems a touch vague.
on A fish, or what's left of one by phbiscuit
12 Aug 2004, 5:58 AM
Seems to read ok. The ending is a bit abrupt though. Some of the language is a bit unsubtle (indestructable fate).
on Solid Understanding by Dovina
6 Aug 2004, 6:34 AM
1) 'simplest'
2) mimic and parrot mean the same thing
3) Not sure the second verse follows on so well from 'non of it true'
4) If someone changes expression it is immediately lost, that is a truism not a fear.
2) mimic and parrot mean the same thing
3) Not sure the second verse follows on so well from 'non of it true'
4) If someone changes expression it is immediately lost, that is a truism not a fear.
on Mike Pike!! by DR Limerick
6 Aug 2004, 6:27 AM
'not wanting to linger/he stuck in his finger' sounds better.
on some deleted poem
12 Aug 2004, 5:47 AM
yep, if you must use people watcher keep it in the title, not at the end. 'I notice these things' is redundant because you have just written a poem from the perspective of noticing these things.
Also the line breaks seem a touch arbitrary. They should really only be used for either of: (a) End of a clause. (b) To mimic normal speech patterns. (c) To emphasize an important word (like intonation in speech).
Also the line breaks seem a touch arbitrary. They should really only be used for either of: (a) End of a clause. (b) To mimic normal speech patterns. (c) To emphasize an important word (like intonation in speech).
on some deleted poem
21 Jul 2004, 7:52 AM
The line 'the words he said next were awesomely new' and the spelling of mirical makes you appear a dunce. But credit for posting a terza rima, it seems to work and the lyrical/spherical rhyme is refreshingly unexpected.
on Wednesday's Breaking by poetandknowit
20 Jul 2004, 4:31 AM
This poem would be ten times better if something more imaginitive had happened causing you to be in her arms.
on Poor Unwritten Rabbit by Dovina
19 Jul 2004, 2:25 PM
Use prepositions or punctuation in the first verse, or this:-
'ee Bombling breet par facien eeepeee'
becomes this:-
'brazque gumprij ist wozzeling kumwa raosicon nebluspi
mit cucheen ij bloot.'
'ee Bombling breet par facien eeepeee'
becomes this:-
'brazque gumprij ist wozzeling kumwa raosicon nebluspi
mit cucheen ij bloot.'
on some deleted poem
18 Jul 2004, 6:18 AM
It is well written, but the idea behind it seems a kind of vague portentiousness. I believe that is why you are having a problem with the title.
on Southern Mississippii Standstill by wilco
16 Jul 2004, 1:32 PM
Very pretty, like the feign of line two to three on the first verse. No need for full stops after each verse.
on some deleted poem
15 Jul 2004, 11:13 AM
Gregsamsa222, you think this is much worse? I am inclined to agree, I like the idea of the length of an arm from the previous edit and nothing else. So I put it in. Kind of want to move on now.
on some deleted poem
14 Jul 2004, 1:05 PM
At times I will notice someoneâs glance
in my direction, then I start to fear
that they must know.
My heart races my palms and soles sweat,
my panting commences, my only desire
is to become invisible.
But then they look away, I sigh knowing
that I am fine for one more day.
There is no reason to write it like you have and not like this I think.
in my direction, then I start to fear
that they must know.
My heart races my palms and soles sweat,
my panting commences, my only desire
is to become invisible.
But then they look away, I sigh knowing
that I am fine for one more day.
There is no reason to write it like you have and not like this I think.
on Ode to the Bun by JaneDC
14 Jul 2004, 1:32 PM
Pleasant enough sounds.
on some deleted poem
19 Oct 2004, 6:07 AM
Zodiac. Thanks for the rating. I'm quite happy with the first verse but the rest is a bit crap. Thinking of using more punctuation more in the preceding verses. Keep it stop start.
Horus, yep the end is pretty fluffed. It kind of amused me the idea of an unwitting 'ghost' sneeking around the barn, but I don't think I communicated it properly.
Horus, yep the end is pretty fluffed. It kind of amused me the idea of an unwitting 'ghost' sneeking around the barn, but I don't think I communicated it properly.
This is the best of yours I have read. It leads the reader with its images rather than making general statements which it can't support (your biggest weakness in other poems). Pinon planter was good as well. You can not have a -10- because I don't give -10-'s. Have a -9-
on some deleted poem
30 Oct 2004, 1:51 PM
Well written. Like the spacing for the bit ending in 'hard.' A lot of the rest is a bit excessive (this is a prose poem yet every single sentence is split by huge gaps). A simple line break between point/point/point (keep the alignment) should be enough and should remedy the typographical ugliness of the poem.
on some deleted poem
30 Oct 2004, 2:00 PM
'Easily could I spin nets of words' and the whole last verse jar a bit because the other verses' sounds are so regular. Other than that this has fine lyricism.
The lines 1-4 set up an expectation of a certain rhythm. And then lines 5-10 use a different rhythm. It all makes the poem difficult to read. I would at least split it into two verses.
'all are we' at the end is an inversion purely to make the poem rhyme. Such behaviour is very wrong.
Playing with peoples expectations of where rhymes are to be can work very well. But you must beware that it does not always work.
Rather than talking of fascists as you giving the definitive statement it would be better if a character in the poem was saying it. Telling us with your first two lines about fascists (in trees under logs) makes you sound kind of paranoid.
'all are we' at the end is an inversion purely to make the poem rhyme. Such behaviour is very wrong.
Playing with peoples expectations of where rhymes are to be can work very well. But you must beware that it does not always work.
Rather than talking of fascists as you giving the definitive statement it would be better if a character in the poem was saying it. Telling us with your first two lines about fascists (in trees under logs) makes you sound kind of paranoid.
on My Poison ( Vodka ) by Brittanyy
2 Nov 2004, 5:42 AM
'feel the shame' about vomitting seems a bit over the top. If getting pissed is cool then so is vomitting it back up again.
Also 'now you lay in the flame' seems an odd line to use. It would probably be more meaningful if you were talking about a drink it is traditional to set fire to and drink. Just a thought.
Also 'now you lay in the flame' seems an odd line to use. It would probably be more meaningful if you were talking about a drink it is traditional to set fire to and drink. Just a thought.