on Henrietta IV by A. Nomaly
11 Dec 2003, 3:09 PM
Good this, again though the last line should be your power punch and 'adoring them' isn't there. The poem certainly strikes a chord.
on The Thomas Brown Affair by SupremeDreamer
16 Dec 2003, 6:25 AM
quite funny, a haiku is supposed to have more depth though preferably with natural imagery.
on The Thomas Brown Affair by SupremeDreamer
16 Dec 2003, 6:26 AM
title: a dead man on being dead or confessions of a dead man.
on For Lauren by BiggRobb
16 Dec 2003, 6:29 AM
Needs a few clues as to what actions were wrong
on it's all quite obviously one big joke by somemorepoetry
16 Dec 2003, 6:35 AM
A human life is six feet deep is not very subtle, and water licks the concrete I would associate with the shallow end (certainly not the deep end only).
Other than that very good, especially the flow and line breaks.
Other than that very good, especially the flow and line breaks.
on some deleted poem
16 Dec 2003, 6:38 AM
stain, moves house to house?
Do you have a mobile you hang on the lampshade? And it is not a stain but a shadow. Yes?
The last couple of lines are funny
Do you have a mobile you hang on the lampshade? And it is not a stain but a shadow. Yes?
The last couple of lines are funny
on Rebel Spirits by miraclemaker
16 Dec 2003, 6:46 AM
good this, my favourite lines being: 'unfortunate in their isolation/of any form of education.' and 'beating immigrants with broken English'
on water damage by skaskowski
16 Dec 2003, 6:49 AM
good play with words, needs more though
on high school tragedy number six by FreeFormFixation
16 Dec 2003, 6:50 AM
kill crimson
on some deleted poem
16 Dec 2003, 6:52 AM
jigsaw surely, could do with a dictionary though, the spelling is offputting (unless it is some anti-war message).
on some deleted poem
16 Dec 2003, 6:59 AM
The art upon your face is too vague. Art can be elephant dung paintings, a pickled cow, a picasso!!
Scrap I embrace my own body, it distracts the ready.
A pleasant fuzzy tone though
Scrap I embrace my own body, it distracts the ready.
A pleasant fuzzy tone though
on some deleted poem
16 Dec 2003, 8:07 AM
Like the first three verses.
Interesting, seems to be alluding to the perception of an artist - the surreal (L2) and abstract (the sunset in L8) becoming synonymous, so too dreams (L1) and the painting of a sunset.
Of course if you replaced real with natural world, then it would not be an artists painting at all.
Interesting, seems to be alluding to the perception of an artist - the surreal (L2) and abstract (the sunset in L8) becoming synonymous, so too dreams (L1) and the painting of a sunset.
Of course if you replaced real with natural world, then it would not be an artists painting at all.
on some deleted poem
17 Dec 2003, 8:05 AM
No no no! You must deserve your infamy
on In my train-IN by ShaNoN+960317485
17 Dec 2003, 8:59 AM
cute, could do with being less dense on the page, some stanzas and punctuation maybe.
The rhythm is the best thing
'sit I must'? perhaps: I must/sit yawning, rubbing scuffling my rump.
The rhythm is the best thing
'sit I must'? perhaps: I must/sit yawning, rubbing scuffling my rump.
on some deleted poem
18 Dec 2003, 1:12 PM
Not sure I understand where insinuation comes from. Other than that damn ace, especially the line breaks and continuity.
on I smell coffee by Princess_Snowflake
19 Dec 2003, 8:33 AM
Too much redundancy, shame because at least you tried to deviate from the usual addiction poems on this site.
'i am a coffee addict/i will drink more of it/ until my toes fall off.
'i am a coffee addict/i will drink more of it/ until my toes fall off.
on I Love You by Blindpoetry
19 Dec 2003, 8:39 AM
All the do and too rhymes are pointless.
try - seeing your face/makes me want/that long kiss - for the first four lines (kiss even half-rhymes with face).
try - seeing your face/makes me want/that long kiss - for the first four lines (kiss even half-rhymes with face).
on some deleted poem
23 Dec 2003, 7:44 AM
Very good, like the alliterations.
A couple of picks:-
Skeletal and flotsam are too eccentric words, they disrupt the flow of sounds and thought. And unconnected soul is perhaps an assertion too far (are souls not supposed to be indivisible).
A couple of picks:-
Skeletal and flotsam are too eccentric words, they disrupt the flow of sounds and thought. And unconnected soul is perhaps an assertion too far (are souls not supposed to be indivisible).
on 7th one about Jon by Plaidypus
23 Dec 2003, 7:47 AM
'i am the peach pit (pith/stone?)/spit out' Is the best line, needs more like that though.