on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan
6 Feb 2006, 2:50 PM
It looks more like a haiku. Haikus demand economy. They often have two images the second cutting across the first. They have no message as such. They are sensory. If you think you have some interesting wisdom do an epigram.
on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan
6 Feb 2006, 8:05 AM
By the way you should learn what a haiku is, that and a metaphor.
replying on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan
6 Feb 2006, 8:04 AM
I disagree. Every goldfish I know that can contemplate also understands the hydrological cycle.
replying on Tonight (edit) by drnick
6 Feb 2006, 7:55 AM
on Tonight (edit) by drnick
6 Feb 2006, 7:53 AM
Are you the doctor nick that deals with boys problems by prescribing them your book 'how to live with a willy'.
on Tonight (edit) by drnick
6 Feb 2006, 7:52 AM
If the desert swallows rain, where is its throat and more importantly itsstomach and bum.
on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan
6 Feb 2006, 4:56 AM
goldfish contemplates raindrops
on an autumn pond. (13 syllables) I have saved you four syllables to say something interesting.
on an autumn pond. (13 syllables) I have saved you four syllables to say something interesting.
on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan
6 Feb 2006, 4:54 AM
Is this about how one of the dimensions of the universe is visible only to goldfish. If so I agree.
replying on can you sing me a song by richa
6 Feb 2006, 3:53 AM
Dovina :Why is it sad that the joyful reader cannot sing sweetest of all?
Richard: this is not a question for the narrator. He does not presume to explain the feelings of the joyful reader.
Dovina: To be a joyful reader is not wanton.
Richard: I did not pick the word at random. I picked it for its connotations of indiscipline and playfulness and the general sonic frivolity of the word.
Dovina: But I see no fault in that.
Richard: I am very pleased for you.
Richard: this is not a question for the narrator. He does not presume to explain the feelings of the joyful reader.
Dovina: To be a joyful reader is not wanton.
Richard: I did not pick the word at random. I picked it for its connotations of indiscipline and playfulness and the general sonic frivolity of the word.
Dovina: But I see no fault in that.
Richard: I am very pleased for you.
replying on I'm there by amanda_dcosta
5 Feb 2006, 3:28 PM
bow'ls.
It would be more scholarly to write a poem with a place and a voice and the theme of racism in it. That way your poem would not be wrong. It would be a poem in which something happened and the reader could examine its significance. There is far too much telling in your poems. Of this series I like the first one best but the end spoils it by saying what the black people are thinking.
on Where the Hell Did I Put My Glasses? by Joe-joe
19 Jan 2006, 1:56 PM
A bit pedestrian. The language needs to be punchier, interesting.
on A Haiku by amanda_dcosta
16 Jan 2006, 3:18 PM
This is a meta-ku if anything.
I gather this poem is about a white person who goes to a black inner-city and buys a greasy hot dog and liquor store stuff and is treated well by the black people. The black people would like when they visit the middle-class white person's town to be treated the same way but they are not. It is just not a very realistic scenario.
on cat by Dental Panic
12 Jan 2006, 2:26 PM
I agree with biteme. The second and third verses do not follow on from the principle set out in the first verse very precisely. The first verse is good though. The line breaks are a bit random.