on the rose by keatsImnot
4 Dec 2002, 5:34 AM
This is great. Some spelling mistakes and bad punctuation perhaps but a great effort.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2003, 10:55 AM
Very powerful, very moving.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2003, 11:47 AM
Not my thing, I am afraid. Also the way it is constructed, you are suggesting the horse wears only chastity. I take it you meant Lady Godiva. Was she supposed to be chaste? Moreover I am puzzled by Peeping Tom. Peeping Tom got his name for looking through keyholes and places where he shouldn't. Why should he lose his eyes, looking at a naked woman on a horse, who intended herself to be seen by everyone? Perhaps there is some cleverness or an historical reference I am missing here. Sorry to be so negative.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2003, 10:20 AM
Wow, Cadacus. I don't know whether I feel strong enough to enter this bloody fray of comment that your poem has thus far inspired, but I promised you so I will. Your poem contains some lovely images. I am sure even P&K will agree that "I am the bastatd son of the lion and the scarecrow" is an arresting image and memorable phrase. I am slightly inclined though towards the opinion of those who say that the poem needs to be revised and reworked. It is a draft that really can be improved to make the whole piece more memorable and arresting. I hope that in the light of some of the criticism you have received you are not unduly offended. I have been revising a few of my efforts on and off for years to get closer to a distant perfection. There is no shame in rewriting. I will report on others of yours later.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2003, 10:33 AM
Some of the lines are so good that the weaker ones jump out in pale comaprison. To be specific "burnt into my mind" is so familiar a phrase that in the context of this sublime declaration of love, it brings the reader (me at any rate) down to earth with a thud.Nearly there. How fortunate to be so talented.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2003, 10:48 AM
This is superb.I have just a few tiny quarrels with some of the sentences but even so it is quite outstanding. Congratulations. Do you have a publisher? If not, can I submit it to an editor friend for consideration?
on some deleted poem
5 Dec 2002, 8:25 AM
It conjures up a beautiful image. It blows me away. "...dogs like mastadons thundering the suburban savannahs...". Wow. My first ever 10
on father Worked Nights by poetandknowit
5 Dec 2002, 8:36 AM
Heh, PK, you're top division. Great stuff. No quarrel with it. 9
on some deleted poem
5 Dec 2002, 8:42 AM
Huge fun but if you use verse why not be strict about it (like your s & m hero) - repeating the same number of beats. I think that way it would be funnier (and work better). Go on, do another draft.
on School (a sonnet) by Nicholas Jones
4 Dec 2002, 6:00 AM
Dear Nicholas,
I received your reply but I am not wholly convinced by your answer. Still, that is only my opinion. Yes, I worked for JB for ten weeks. He kindly took me on after he had heard me (at his request) recite some of my compositions. The next ten weeks were bliss. I repaid his kindness with a scorching attack (in verse) on his critic Alvarez who maintained that Betjeman's poetry was a branch of fascism (among other slights). It was published in the S Telegraph and it gave me a sort of twisted starus as an enfant terrible amongst the intelligentsia. Anyway you write very well and all power to your elbow. NB There is some poor demented fellow who has been hurt by your criticisms as you probaly know. I am sure you are a big enough sort of fellow to send him a soothing note. He sounds young and in some pain. Best wishes, Nicholas
I received your reply but I am not wholly convinced by your answer. Still, that is only my opinion. Yes, I worked for JB for ten weeks. He kindly took me on after he had heard me (at his request) recite some of my compositions. The next ten weeks were bliss. I repaid his kindness with a scorching attack (in verse) on his critic Alvarez who maintained that Betjeman's poetry was a branch of fascism (among other slights). It was published in the S Telegraph and it gave me a sort of twisted starus as an enfant terrible amongst the intelligentsia. Anyway you write very well and all power to your elbow. NB There is some poor demented fellow who has been hurt by your criticisms as you probaly know. I am sure you are a big enough sort of fellow to send him a soothing note. He sounds young and in some pain. Best wishes, Nicholas
on Remember-me (an ode to those dropped off at the clinic) by Bachus
4 Dec 2002, 4:42 AM
Some misspellings here and a few creaky rhymes. But it has a faux naif appeal. (sorry to sound pretentious). The PS works well and has the ring (and sting) of truth.
on Feelings Inside by confuzdlilgirl
4 Dec 2002, 4:47 AM
Doesn't have the quality of some of your other poems. Metre is erratic. The rhymes could be improved. This is a draft to work on. Come on. You can do it.
on trapoide by Angel_of_fait
4 Dec 2002, 4:59 AM
Rap is as valid a format as a sonnet but it has to make sense. What Cat stole my reality? What do you mean by "not distressing your (my?) reality? A generation have fallen in love with the SOUND of words. They get off on alliteration and rhyme but many are guilty of failing to combine it with coherernce and meaning. Go on Victoria, rise up from rap lyrics, write poetry! You have a feeling for it. Go for it!
The last line has seven beats. Should be six. Spoils it. What about - To fuck you all my life ? Love may be more delicate. Choice depends on the sensibilities of the recipient. I really like this poem but I want to tinker with other bits too. For instance delete "with your clothes" on (it is too weak) Substitute "with suspenders" or "in bikinis".
on My Mountain (An ode to the nature poem) by Bachus
4 Dec 2002, 5:19 AM
Aaahh, the South Park School again.
on Three Daughters by <~>
4 Dec 2002, 5:25 AM
Too much a shaggy dog tale to qualify as a proper poem. But iit is well done nonetheless.
on School (a sonnet) by Nicholas Jones
4 Dec 2002, 5:32 AM
Well done, Nicholas Jones. It should be in the sonnet section but then again it might probably be never read. Also a minor point. But the concluding couplet - died and lies! Come on. You have so much skill. I bet you can improve upon this and come up with a couplet that rhymes properly.Voted 9
on Walk in a dream (an ode to self help poems) by Bachus
4 Dec 2002, 4:50 AM
The South Park School of Poetry. Quite enchanting
on The Nights Draw In by Nicholas Jones
4 Dec 2002, 5:04 AM
A lovely touch (again)
on Spare Change by andrewjthomas
12 Feb 2004, 8:31 AM
cryptic, clever, technically proficient and accomplished. Great