Personally it's not that bad. I mean some of the lines don't rhyme which is bad, in my own opinion. But the idea is so unique it tends to overshadow the lack of rhyme, partially at least.

started strong but diminished after the first 4 lines. Too many commas, although it was intentional I guessing. But the idea is very good in my opinion.

First of all razongrin you should think about going on American Idol; you'd probably dethrone Simon Cowell. As for chicka_babe05 and Feeling, no offense but as Robert Frost once said, "Poetry that doesn't rhyme is like playing tennis without a net." And so you know, your net is barely holding, if at all. My guess is this poem is for someone you like, hopefully male. So I understand that it has to be romantic and all, but don't rhyme words with the same words, and don't use 7 yous or variations of you in a 10 line poem. Poems like these make the listener or reader dumber than he/she already is. The sentimentality is there; but nothing else is there. Try to make it better, put more effort into it. And if you still can't come up with anything better than this, there's always stilling a poem online. Try lovepoems.com. I'm very helpful ain't I? (that's sarcastic in case you couldn't figure it out)-2- sympathy vote. At least you made some attempt and have the sentimentality part down

Poem was good. I also like the fact that it was lyric, which I'm noticing is pretty rare on this site. The only critizisim that I have is the title. It's very beneith the poem. But all in all, as I said, it's good.

funny and works