on early morning write by crimzon
27 Jan 2003, 4:34 PM
I liked the simplicity and the flow, which is why your choice of the word "aesthetically" threw off the mood for me a little bit. It sounds long and choppy and sterile compared the the rest of the verse. The middle four line stumble a little over extra syllables, but overall, you created a beautiful picture for me. Here's an 8 for ya.
replying on Afterglow by Imperfections
27 Jan 2003, 4:22 PM
oops! I accidentally deleted a really constructive comment from zzinnia66. You're right about that last line. It does nothing for the meaning, I put it there more or less to even out the rhythem. I'll have to work on a new way to end that thought.
replying on Afterglow by Imperfections
27 Jan 2003, 4:08 PM
You're right about the last line. I thought it evened out the rhythem, but it really doesn't do much for the meaning. I'll have to think of a new way to end that thought.
on In This Room by GregDeEgg
24 Jan 2003, 12:53 AM
Simple, devoid of all angsty feeling. Wonderfully refreshheing after a slew of bitter, cynical, arrogant pity parties that some people try to call "poetry"
on Small Town Tavern by NinjaPoet
24 Jan 2003, 12:43 AM
Rough around the edges, but not at all abrasive when read. Runs smoothly. Like it a lot.
on Together Forever by Sarahmarie
21 Jan 2003, 11:10 PM
Good work, my favorite of what I have read of yours. I like where you put "the phone rings" line, it does a good job of both dividing and connecting your thoughts.
on Never Alone at Night by Limness
21 Jan 2003, 10:57 PM
oops ... I meant to say "that last 'line'", not "night" ... you get my drift
on Never Alone at Night by Limness
21 Jan 2003, 10:55 PM
This poem was only a 7 or 8 for me until that last night. You really changed the tone with that line. You see your own indulgent angst, and you connect with the reader on that note. I agree, you know exactly wo you are.
on she said by Bill Z Bub
21 Jan 2003, 10:49 PM
Love this. However, I think the "yearning souls" take you away from your point. Unless I am all wrong, and that is exactly the point you're trying to make, sneaky you :)
on making progress (a piece of it) by Limness
21 Jan 2003, 10:27 PM
Haunting. Reminds me a little of a little of a Third Eye Blind lyric: I couldn't define what you're getting at, but I definitely feel you.
on 2 weeks and a day by Bill Z Bub
21 Jan 2003, 10:02 PM
No frills, striaght-forward, "rough," if you will. I couldn't pull it off, however you did it amazingly.
on Triangle of the Courtyard Square by OneFingerAnswer
21 Jan 2003, 9:53 PM
Nice play on words/images with the sqaure and triangle