on These things that we bury by Jody Conn
16 Mar 2002, 1:21 AM
really good effort & classic theme of redemption. you can strengthen it by losing the idiomatic language "in their prime" - it'll be tighter, more profound.
on Truth of the Moon by ObiWonKn
16 Mar 2002, 1:21 AM
the last comparison is weak. "a ribbon....guarding" not a heavyweight sentry. This doesn't hang together very well - perhaps the first stanza should be the last?
on Ghost in My Swimming Pool by ObiWonKn
16 Mar 2002, 1:21 AM
where does seeing this apparition take you? Is it you - an aspect of yourself you had forgotten or lost? Great effort - but there is a connection missing.
on some deleted poem
16 Mar 2002, 1:21 AM
great economy of language! & it plays like old 8mm b/w film reel...quick progressive flashes of the human condition. good work.
on Fascination by ObiWonKn
16 Mar 2002, 1:21 AM
manages to net Life's elusive quality. First stanza is my favorite in its precision
on some deleted poem
16 Mar 2002, 1:21 AM
you have a good idea here....but it drops off : your "perhaps" sounding more like a declaration. Try furthering the concept of how every moment is the last moment when you are two. The vast immediacy of the very young...