on I, criminal by INTRANSIT
31 Jul 2003, 11:55 AM
i'm not getting it. i came back many timnes. it works, but it is far-too open-ended for me. call me simple. i like things spelled out more.
on The Call Of Cannons by SupremeDreamer
31 Jul 2003, 7:34 AM
wow. so many metaphors, so little unity.
on Witness to a Murder by poetandknowit
31 Jul 2003, 11:58 AM
remove the ' in worlds, grammar boy.
on Your Great by scitz
31 Jul 2003, 8:54 AM
hahahahah!!! oh, yeah. you nailed it, scitz. bravo.
on some deleted poem
1 Aug 2003, 8:19 AM
i like the out-flow on this.
on some deleted poem
31 Jul 2003, 7:39 AM
local monk. good one. local monk.
on I'll Save You The Effort by wwFrasier Allonbyww
1 Aug 2003, 9:14 AM
but the poem is quite humorous. have a 10. because we are amused, sir.
on Magnets & Cross-Eyed Children by Bachus
31 Jul 2003, 1:07 PM
sweet father of nearsighted little-leaguers!
on Everyone thinks I'm Settle by King Abdullah II
1 Aug 2003, 10:01 AM
oh, my! i had never seen this one! and, for the longest time, i did think you were settle. may i still call you settle? you know,for old times sake? <sniff>
on some deleted poem
31 Jul 2003, 12:52 PM
the last line is very weak, in light of your set-up.
on Your Great by scitz
31 Jul 2003, 8:56 AM
p.s.--great misspelling in the title!
on I'll Save You The Effort by wwFrasier Allonbyww
1 Aug 2003, 9:13 AM
no, only when you act like an asshole.
you still have plenty of untainted ids.
you still have plenty of untainted ids.
on some deleted poem
31 Jul 2003, 7:44 AM
delete the comma in L2
L4--swaying stroke? or did you want a double noun?
L5--like a crayon burnishing an inscription?
L7--"in what said my spent time" obfuscates.
almost there. almost clear. whip smart, richa.
L4--swaying stroke? or did you want a double noun?
L5--like a crayon burnishing an inscription?
L7--"in what said my spent time" obfuscates.
almost there. almost clear. whip smart, richa.
on some deleted poem
31 Jul 2003, 6:32 AM
i think that people don't like it becuase you treat the subject with forced rhyme and uneven meter. the wording is clumsy. if you are trying to persuade people to see it your way, you need to be smoothly convincing, especially if you set out to do so in such a measured way. if you can't do rhyme in a way that doesn't feel forced, leave it alone for a while. if you can't keep the beat, don't put one in. write free verse--show us what you mean instead of telling us. that 'border crossing' poem shows more about the arrogance of whites than this does. you come across as a wanna-be martyr here.
so, it's not that people can't identify with what you're saying--it's that you've not communicated it effectively enough for them to care.
so, it's not that people can't identify with what you're saying--it's that you've not communicated it effectively enough for them to care.
on some deleted poem
31 Jul 2003, 7:33 AM
"and such". hahahaha. why in the hell did you put that in there? okay, seriously, for such a swirly poem, why did you make the rhythm so choppy? make you form follow function, dreamer.
on Deranged Sailor: Sea Sickness [revised] by SupremeDreamer
31 Jul 2003, 7:38 AM
okay, i'll complement you on the last strophe--the idea of it anyway--but why not show me instead of telling me?
you know how, when you're at a family picnic, and your aunt corners you tell tell you one of her stories that goes on and on and on? well? USE SOME FRESH LANGUAGE, DAMN YOU! or you will be that aunt. even if you do have a penis.
see: http://www.uni.edu/~gotera/CraftOfPoetry
you know how, when you're at a family picnic, and your aunt corners you tell tell you one of her stories that goes on and on and on? well? USE SOME FRESH LANGUAGE, DAMN YOU! or you will be that aunt. even if you do have a penis.
see: http://www.uni.edu/~gotera/CraftOfPoetry
on some deleted poem
31 Jul 2003, 7:38 AM
okay i wont try to punctuate it either
on Pencil Dust [revised] by SupremeDreamer
31 Jul 2003, 7:40 AM
did he open his robe for you???
DID HE SHOW YOU HIS PRIVATE PARTS!!!!!????
DID HE SHOW YOU HIS PRIVATE PARTS!!!!!????
on some deleted poem
31 Jul 2003, 11:48 AM
nicely put.
on I, Ann Boleyn by http://mulberryfairy
31 Jul 2003, 11:51 AM
heheheheh.
fuck yeh.
fuck yeh.