on Moosefart's Revenge by wwFrasier Allonbyww
4 Aug 2003, 10:44 AM
wow. as a bipolar2 myself, i disown her.
on Satyrs and fluting the teachers by Jeremi B. Handrinos
4 Aug 2003, 6:10 PM
hooven? cloven? woven? film at 11?
on some deleted poem
4 Aug 2003, 5:35 PM
tint--that last line--still needs work. redundant. where are dreams, if not in the mind?
okay, you could stretch it and speak of dreams of the heart, but, still....well, you see where i'm going with this.
okay, you could stretch it and speak of dreams of the heart, but, still....well, you see where i'm going with this.
on Karma by http://mulberryfairy
4 Aug 2003, 5:48 PM
yes. OH, YES!
you have obviously garnered, not squandered, the mythical strength of the hirsute, madame.
great do-over.
you have obviously garnered, not squandered, the mythical strength of the hirsute, madame.
great do-over.
once more, with feeling. always cut away all those extra filler words (it was, just, only, etc...)
my suggs:
Time won't heal these open wounds,
Inflicted relentlessly;
Emotions linger, disturbed tombs
broken, emptied.
After you destroyed me
I craved control;
I gave my body but never my soul.
And now, consumed
By loneliness and guilt,
This love cannot be exhumed
Buried in scarlet silk.
my suggs:
Time won't heal these open wounds,
Inflicted relentlessly;
Emotions linger, disturbed tombs
broken, emptied.
After you destroyed me
I craved control;
I gave my body but never my soul.
And now, consumed
By loneliness and guilt,
This love cannot be exhumed
Buried in scarlet silk.
cad, this is heart-felt, but strictly speaking in terms of poetic devices employed, it needs a once-over. you are forcing the rhyme, to the detriment of the message. consider fewer pronouns. consider making the voice more active. a sample transformation:
In my void I was fulfilled,
I'd nothing pure to give
a skilled liar, choosing to lure the pure,
to make them feel secure,
and promise everything
Then slam the door.
okay, that's not much trimming, but it gives the words more violence. which they need, based on the intent. passive voice doen't work here.
In my void I was fulfilled,
I'd nothing pure to give
a skilled liar, choosing to lure the pure,
to make them feel secure,
and promise everything
Then slam the door.
okay, that's not much trimming, but it gives the words more violence. which they need, based on the intent. passive voice doen't work here.
on Moosefart's Revenge by wwFrasier Allonbyww
4 Aug 2003, 11:00 AM
i wonder if margaret looked before she crossed the street? it seems so few do these days. if you don't like the way poeple comment here on poemranker, don't post. simple. help us gain awareness of mental illness. hahahahhahaha. margaret, when was the last time you spent 38% of your gross on psychiatry? me, it was last oct-dec. made for a really shitty christmas. but i got to take some pretty pills, and i'm still here, right?
if you're reading this margaret, buck up! maybe your sons would respect you if you had a spine.
if you're reading this margaret, buck up! maybe your sons would respect you if you had a spine.
on Karma by http://mulberryfairy
4 Aug 2003, 10:16 AM
nice. especially like, "like a recent victim
on a Lifetime movie. " (but i'd delete 'recent')
on a Lifetime movie. " (but i'd delete 'recent')
on some deleted poem
4 Aug 2003, 8:28 AM
you name it, "till we screw again" and you just leave me hanging like that? you use ordinary words and phases, and don't give me any sense of the moment, just that it happened--you're at odds with yourself here, between tender and coarse and you don't meld the two well at all if that was your intent.
lines i'd save:
Heating up we both blew a gasket
âThe pleasure was all mineâ, I thought
all else is scrap metal.
give me a metaphor that chases its tail, with a title like that. or change it to: 'oh the tendersness of your caress' and publish it at poetry.com. and buy your mom a copy so she can show her friends.
lines i'd save:
Heating up we both blew a gasket
âThe pleasure was all mineâ, I thought
all else is scrap metal.
give me a metaphor that chases its tail, with a title like that. or change it to: 'oh the tendersness of your caress' and publish it at poetry.com. and buy your mom a copy so she can show her friends.
on some deleted poem
4 Aug 2003, 7:15 AM
/struck down, again, by soldiers:
/pools of martyrs' blood
might suit your ends better.
/pools of martyrs' blood
might suit your ends better.
on some deleted poem
4 Aug 2003, 7:47 AM
"The bird stoops to clean its beak,
A boy kisses me on the cheek.
A place of wonder, a place of mystery,
My imagination, a place I shall let you see."
is this a metaphor for an unholy act?
A boy kisses me on the cheek.
A place of wonder, a place of mystery,
My imagination, a place I shall let you see."
is this a metaphor for an unholy act?
on Oxywarmonger by poetandknowit
2 Aug 2003, 1:09 AM
yes. much clearer. but you forgot homeland security and the TIA. althou those are probably buzz words, and now we're both on a list...
on Lethal Weapon by poetandkonwit
2 Aug 2003, 6:13 PM
shit. you got me!
hahahaha!!!
wank!
hahahaha!!!
wank!
on father by girlandwords
4 Aug 2003, 10:38 AM
nice rhythm. well done.
on Karma by http://mulberryfairy
4 Aug 2003, 11:22 AM
also, i always thought it was "peeling out"because you left some rubber on the driveway. i like the aural association of 'pealing out', but i don't think it works, if that's what you meant, because squaling rubber, she is not mellifluous, eh?
on Eight thousand clay tiles by abecedarian
4 Aug 2003, 4:15 PM
amen. nice work, alph-beta.
on A Reporters Saturday Headline Review by Don-Quixote
4 Aug 2003, 8:19 AM
sorry dq, this leaves me flat. maybe i'm in a mood this morning, but it's coming across as imitative and banal. the bar just got heavier.
this is poorly written, and entertaining in a pre-teen, wow SEX! kind of way. you give everything away; you give nothing away, and you do it without skill. i suspect you plan on beoming a teacher, since you gave us a list of reading-comprhension questions at the end.
insteadof being impressed by your misguided sense of your own cleverness, may i humbly suggest you study the english language?
that is all.