on some deleted poem
25 Oct 2006, 12:06 PM
this is a hoot, DGB. i don't think you need the word "ever" in the last line. that takes it a little too far over the top. great imagery.
on some deleted poem
3 Apr 2006, 11:32 AM
nicely done, intransit.
neither the endorphins nor the miso threw me, although i think you might want to de-capitalize it, just because it's been mistaken for a brand name.
neither the endorphins nor the miso threw me, although i think you might want to de-capitalize it, just because it's been mistaken for a brand name.
on The Hermit on the Thoroughfare by http://mulberryfairy
11 Jan 2006, 11:15 AM
"mortal pelvis" is an odd combo; how can a pelvis be anything but?
on Pledge by http://mulberryfairy
10 Jan 2006, 9:19 AM
you made me laugh with this one. and you made me ask myself who i am, damn you.
on The Dark Days of Aristotle by somemorepoetry
10 Jan 2006, 9:27 AM
please, explain what this means:
Where thereâs smoke, thereâs fire, he said
Together with his long name and
Cigarette brand.
i don't understand why he would say his name and cigarette brand. or am i getting it all wrong?
Where thereâs smoke, thereâs fire, he said
Together with his long name and
Cigarette brand.
i don't understand why he would say his name and cigarette brand. or am i getting it all wrong?
on Untitled by http://mulberryfairy
10 Jan 2006, 9:30 AM
i like the dream litany. i don't understand how the nightmare protects you, though.
on some deleted poem
16 Jan 2006, 9:07 AM
this is lovely. i like the way you reversed the language in S2.
on some deleted poem
12 Jan 2006, 12:38 PM
"cirrus
threads of mouth travelled lobes
"my love they cannot hear us"."
is beautiful, Cad.
i think this would be more immediate, more urgent, if you wrote it in the present tense:
"our lips mould as one,..."
threads of mouth travelled lobes
"my love they cannot hear us"."
is beautiful, Cad.
i think this would be more immediate, more urgent, if you wrote it in the present tense:
"our lips mould as one,..."
on Green things by ecargo
16 Jan 2006, 9:35 AM
"none to straddle worlds or shoulder skies."
is a great line.
"We break us like ice;"
is unclear; what do you mean by this?
is a great line.
"We break us like ice;"
is unclear; what do you mean by this?
on After Fighting (More Blood Edit) by zodiac
27 Jan 2006, 12:14 AM
hmmm. it had a lot more power as a prose poem, zodiac. not that it's not good like this...just that there was an urgency in the paragraph that's missing here.
on the secret life of the sundew by pollywolly
29 Sep 2006, 1:26 PM
don't you mean nectar?
on Colors of Me by MissUnderstood
29 Sep 2006, 1:27 PM
do you know about enjambement? it's a useful poetic device. this is an excellent start, but if you didn't end each line so suddenly, i think you could make this baby work overtime.
on a fresh start by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
29 Sep 2006, 1:35 PM
the perfect pimple! 10, i say! 10!
on a fresh start by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
29 Sep 2006, 1:35 PM
except, lose the last line.
on Wet dreams by ecargo
29 Sep 2006, 1:37 PM
gorgeous language, e.
'mother bulk' sat well with me. it was the perfect image, for me, to describe the scene.
'mother bulk' sat well with me. it was the perfect image, for me, to describe the scene.
on In the hollow (rough) by ecargo
29 Sep 2006, 1:39 PM
"flashing quick and crosshatched with careless
pricker scrapes;"
oooh. ooh. ooh.
pricker scrapes;"
oooh. ooh. ooh.
on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger
29 Sep 2006, 1:41 PM
i think you go too far, here, ranger. i know you mean 'sunflower" but solar flower reads as solar flare, to me, at first--not that it will read like that to everyone, but 'flare' is a word often quick on the heels of 'solar'.
you've got some nice descriptions here, but the language gets blustery, rather than omminous, whioch is, i think the mood you want to set for this. although, i could be wrong.
you've got some nice descriptions here, but the language gets blustery, rather than omminous, whioch is, i think the mood you want to set for this. although, i could be wrong.
:)