replying on Coffle by Wulf
20 Aug 2003, 8:34 AM
speedy D! where have you been??? i have missed you, so! you come and go like a fantasy! xo, z
replying on I Am a Snob, or, 'A Definition' by JakeBike
20 Aug 2003, 7:55 AM
no.
replying on I Am a Snob, or, 'A Definition' by JakeBike
20 Aug 2003, 7:51 AM
you were a late-comer. don't feel slighted.
replying on wandering, north by <~>
20 Aug 2003, 6:58 AM
mon petit chou! il a été si isolé ici sans vous!
plus de baisers!
plus de baisers!
on To My Love by sliver
19 Aug 2003, 9:13 PM
replying on The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig
19 Aug 2003, 5:28 PM
i like this very much, pig. some lovely moments, here.
favorites:
its immortalized syntax
fragrant colors are riot
And all I can say, in predictable cliche,
Is, God, how much I love you
topaz clouds,
damasking heaven's constant eye [oops--you need an apostrophe in heaven's]
emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism
the only part i am so/so on is "For you are inscribed on my soul." agh. whenever someone brings up 'soul' in a love and loss poem, it sounds cliched. unless handled with delicate mastery. i dare not do it myself for another 3 decades. think of all that i must learn and unlearn before i turn that phrase! and besides, you deftly dispensed with cliche in the preceding stanzas. so, what can you do about it?
i don't know.
beautiful work, pig.
favorites:
its immortalized syntax
fragrant colors are riot
And all I can say, in predictable cliche,
Is, God, how much I love you
topaz clouds,
damasking heaven's constant eye [oops--you need an apostrophe in heaven's]
emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism
the only part i am so/so on is "For you are inscribed on my soul." agh. whenever someone brings up 'soul' in a love and loss poem, it sounds cliched. unless handled with delicate mastery. i dare not do it myself for another 3 decades. think of all that i must learn and unlearn before i turn that phrase! and besides, you deftly dispensed with cliche in the preceding stanzas. so, what can you do about it?
i don't know.
beautiful work, pig.
on The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig
19 Aug 2003, 2:34 PM
[you speak of her in both second and 3rd person--in this edit, I made it all 2nd, as she is so very near, still.] witness, the z edit:
Salt falls on veneer
Veiled in pauperâs wood,
The clock-watching chaplain sweats
As I refuse to leave you.
Staring at your headstone,
Looking at its immortalized syntax
Chosen at random by your rushed mother
Who coped when I faltered.
Itâs quiet here, and
fragrant colors are riot near.
At least youâre under the willow
You liked the thought of it weeping above you
And all I can say, in predictable cliche,
Is, God, how much I love you.
I stare
at the topaz clouds,
damasking heavens constant eye,
Wondering as I'm watching you
If you are watching I.
For now, I want to believe--
People always do, when they grieve.
Your epitaph,
emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism:
Words describing an everyman.
It doesnât matter to me,
For you are inscribed on my soul.
Salt falls on veneer
Veiled in pauperâs wood,
The clock-watching chaplain sweats
As I refuse to leave you.
Staring at your headstone,
Looking at its immortalized syntax
Chosen at random by your rushed mother
Who coped when I faltered.
Itâs quiet here, and
fragrant colors are riot near.
At least youâre under the willow
You liked the thought of it weeping above you
And all I can say, in predictable cliche,
Is, God, how much I love you.
I stare
at the topaz clouds,
damasking heavens constant eye,
Wondering as I'm watching you
If you are watching I.
For now, I want to believe--
People always do, when they grieve.
Your epitaph,
emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism:
Words describing an everyman.
It doesnât matter to me,
For you are inscribed on my soul.
on Forget I Asked by AtalantaPendragonne
18 Aug 2003, 6:47 PM
this need more meet (pun intended)
on Too Nearly Remembered by AtalantaPendragonne
18 Aug 2003, 6:46 PM
nice job. the word "nearly" in the title bothers me, though.
on Street Talkers (Amnesiac) by Fear of Garbage
18 Aug 2003, 5:54 PM
sometimes i forget you are 16. sometimes, this world you speak of walks over to me. invites me. envelopes me. but then i remember: i am copper. or was it gold?
on Small Teeth in a Glass Bowl by Fear of Garbage
18 Aug 2003, 5:52 PM
flesh without corpulence, sinewless muscle, afloat despite the lack of gravity: chatter, pearls, chatter. brava!
replying on hermetic by Bill Z Bub
18 Aug 2003, 5:29 PM
how immaculate it could be if he walked widdershinswhile eking ichor...
on Memory by Hostileintent
18 Aug 2003, 1:00 PM
hostile,
you start off well enough, with a clip-cloppity rhythm and rhyme--but then somebody hobbled your horse.
also, can you show me a fresh treatment of this theme?
no vote yet.
you start off well enough, with a clip-cloppity rhythm and rhyme--but then somebody hobbled your horse.
also, can you show me a fresh treatment of this theme?
no vote yet.
on Incomplete by Hostileintent
18 Aug 2003, 12:45 PM
L3: conflict in personification: that/who
L14: "And precarious fob eachother off as," makes no sense--punctuation might help, or redefine your meaning
L16: what does "the" leviathan have to do with anything? and since when is there only one?
if this were a vocab assignment, you would get 50%.
but i am not trying to be mean. just askking you to think to the best of your ability. it seems you are throwing up veils for the sake of the unlearned. set a tone and keep it. if you would be abstruse, be so throughout. have an even temper, sirrah. you strive to impress, methinks. instead, perhaps, you might strive to enlighten, or better yet, communicate.
no vote yet.
L14: "And precarious fob eachother off as," makes no sense--punctuation might help, or redefine your meaning
L16: what does "the" leviathan have to do with anything? and since when is there only one?
if this were a vocab assignment, you would get 50%.
but i am not trying to be mean. just askking you to think to the best of your ability. it seems you are throwing up veils for the sake of the unlearned. set a tone and keep it. if you would be abstruse, be so throughout. have an even temper, sirrah. you strive to impress, methinks. instead, perhaps, you might strive to enlighten, or better yet, communicate.
no vote yet.
on hermetic by Bill Z Bub
18 Aug 2003, 12:06 PM
no. not a buuterfly. god no.
on the midget of humiliation by Bill Z Bub
18 Aug 2003, 12:06 PM
put it asll together, tighter. again, get rid of the extra baggage. say what you mean, and less.
on null by Bill Z Bub
18 Aug 2003, 12:05 PM
bill there are still too many extra words. e.g., what could the bra be _but_ discarded.? etc.
cut it down, because it's raw. it's pittsburgh, baby. seared outside, raw, in.
cut it down, because it's raw. it's pittsburgh, baby. seared outside, raw, in.
on deleted scenes by Bill Z Bub
18 Aug 2003, 12:01 PM
is the last scene deleted, bill? because it feels really, really real.
on for sue (20030815) by nentwined
15 Aug 2003, 3:27 PM
thanks,, k. um. i mean, um, er, well, you know who you are!!!
xo,
~
xo,
~
on A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone by thepinkbunnyofdoom
15 Aug 2003, 5:59 AM
pbod,
first, run spell check. second, develop the amusing first half of the poem, and drop the proselytizing you ram down our throats in the last part. third, use line breaks and spacing FOR A REASON. not because you're not sure how. for examples, i recommend a book : The New American Poets (http://www.ecampus.com/bk_detail.asp?is
first, run spell check. second, develop the amusing first half of the poem, and drop the proselytizing you ram down our throats in the last part. third, use line breaks and spacing FOR A REASON. not because you're not sure how. for examples, i recommend a book : The New American Poets (http://www.ecampus.com/bk_detail.asp?is