on Reno by <{Baba^Yaga}>
5 Dec 2003, 8:14 PM
A lyric... - kindof like a Lou Reed type thing? That would work, but I feel like I'm missing the context of this, somehow. The little vignettes are done well - the rhyming stays *just* this side of being contrived.
The comments, even though they are over a year old, are pretty entertaining.
What prompted the re-post?
The comments, even though they are over a year old, are pretty entertaining.
What prompted the re-post?
on No delusions. by darby pyn
6 Dec 2003, 5:50 AM
Interesting format, and I like the words/mood. I think it wants to be more though. Longer - stick a vaccuum pump on it.
on The Poison by TheTiredTyrant
8 Dec 2003, 5:52 AM
This is quite good. A bumping cadence that keeps things interesting.
on Memory Fragment I (lets kill eachother) by SupremeDreamer
8 Dec 2003, 6:12 AM
a nice pothead snapshot. Funny.
reminds me of a newstory I read last week about a guy who wanted to eat someone so he put an ad in the paper and someone responded. They ate the guys arms together then he killed the doner and ate the rest of him. All consentual (the guy still got in trouble, seems murder is *illegal*).
true story.
reminds me of a newstory I read last week about a guy who wanted to eat someone so he put an ad in the paper and someone responded. They ate the guys arms together then he killed the doner and ate the rest of him. All consentual (the guy still got in trouble, seems murder is *illegal*).
true story.
on The Morning Star by Shardik
8 Dec 2003, 8:34 PM
"I didn't dare ask who's
Cause it felt like mine..."
sweeeet.
Cause it felt like mine..."
sweeeet.
on some deleted poem
9 Dec 2003, 6:41 AM
awesome title pulled me in.
the double "her her" - intentional?
and "missing live" do you want that to be "life"?
maybe, since you use impecunious to describe the jury, you want to say "richer".
small nits aside, I like this strangeness.
the double "her her" - intentional?
and "missing live" do you want that to be "life"?
maybe, since you use impecunious to describe the jury, you want to say "richer".
small nits aside, I like this strangeness.
on some deleted poem
12 Dec 2003, 7:48 AM
It has a fairy tale feel to it with this kindof two choices; black/white, good/evil simplicity (would that it were so!).
This standing at the edge of an abyss (equipped with two bridges, apparently) is a classic existentialist image - interesting considering the context ("I stare into the abyss and it stares back"; a feeling of dread at the realization of nothingness)
This standing at the edge of an abyss (equipped with two bridges, apparently) is a classic existentialist image - interesting considering the context ("I stare into the abyss and it stares back"; a feeling of dread at the realization of nothingness)
on Without you by Luv2write
12 Dec 2003, 8:20 AM
I dunno. could do without a few of the cliches and stock images.
I actually thought maybe it was satire toward the middle there, started hoping for a twist ending.
Must be getting jaded in my old age.
I actually thought maybe it was satire toward the middle there, started hoping for a twist ending.
Must be getting jaded in my old age.
on The man of steel by <{Baba^Yaga}>
12 Dec 2003, 9:01 AM
A nice quick and jaunty one-off. Probably built itself - maybe could use some reformatting/restructuring now that you know what it's about.
entertaining in any case.
entertaining in any case.
on Dolphins Of Dorset by Caducus
12 Dec 2003, 9:40 PM
btw - I like this. Has an unforced flow to it.
on Christ For Sale by Caducus
12 Dec 2003, 9:44 PM
Nicely constructed, if a tad long.
on some deleted poem
15 Dec 2003, 11:25 AM
I get it, the box is a dictionary.
Good idea, needs more assembly though.
Good idea, needs more assembly though.
on some deleted poem
15 Dec 2003, 11:27 AM
it at least passes the time.
a good encapsulation of a universal emotion.
a good encapsulation of a universal emotion.
Lots of really nice imagery.
I like the sun cradled by branches and ref. to crossed legs of a cow - nice way to express that black branches white body thing birches do. Maybe "calf" would express a thinner body??
At first I thought it was "crow", and I liked that for different reasons (easy way to show lots of small branches) - so, an option, I guess (I might use that!).
Hacksaw? Though you may be expressing a sarcstic point of view, universally bonsai refers to growing a plant or a tree in a dish or shallow pot (thats what the word means) - so, I'm having trouble with the title.
Forgive my rambling (again), but I could live with the title if the ranger were to make a very small cut with clippers or something, even on a full sized tree - in this way you could keep all of your well-made scenery.
Hey, maybe add a modifier to the title to compensate for the context?
I like the sun cradled by branches and ref. to crossed legs of a cow - nice way to express that black branches white body thing birches do. Maybe "calf" would express a thinner body??
At first I thought it was "crow", and I liked that for different reasons (easy way to show lots of small branches) - so, an option, I guess (I might use that!).
Hacksaw? Though you may be expressing a sarcstic point of view, universally bonsai refers to growing a plant or a tree in a dish or shallow pot (thats what the word means) - so, I'm having trouble with the title.
Forgive my rambling (again), but I could live with the title if the ranger were to make a very small cut with clippers or something, even on a full sized tree - in this way you could keep all of your well-made scenery.
Hey, maybe add a modifier to the title to compensate for the context?
on All the rain has fallen by fair12
17 Dec 2003, 12:08 PM
winter as a loss of reason - love it.
on Letting Go by ThoughtfulSoul
5 Dec 2003, 7:58 PM
This is me blabbering:
The line breaks are telling - even the stanza breaks; well done. Either you've seen lots of good poems, or you have more good ones. But some of the word choices, metaphors are – too easy, to my eye, anyway.
Sentimentally, it’s a fairly basic, almost cathartic exercise, but cleanly - efficiently - executed. The tone matches the subject really well. Maybe you’ve just made lots of *this type* of poem.
For some reason the frickin thing intrigues me - makes me want to figure it out, as if there is more here. It’s like I want to see the skills used on some other subject, I want the adept structure building to match the images that are placed on it.
Now I have to go poke around at your other stuff (when I really should just go to bed, obviously)
The line breaks are telling - even the stanza breaks; well done. Either you've seen lots of good poems, or you have more good ones. But some of the word choices, metaphors are – too easy, to my eye, anyway.
Sentimentally, it’s a fairly basic, almost cathartic exercise, but cleanly - efficiently - executed. The tone matches the subject really well. Maybe you’ve just made lots of *this type* of poem.
For some reason the frickin thing intrigues me - makes me want to figure it out, as if there is more here. It’s like I want to see the skills used on some other subject, I want the adept structure building to match the images that are placed on it.
Now I have to go poke around at your other stuff (when I really should just go to bed, obviously)
That big first stanza kinda seems begging to be broke - what u think? no?