on argentina by ThePariahDog
27 May 2004, 5:59 PM
See http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
on some deleted poem
28 May 2004, 1:55 PM
Nice proud structure, I love that. The beginning needs to be tightened a bit. the section were you start going about your business, mow wash shower dress, that's were the flows at. Could you carry some of that energy back to the front? There's something about the last line that's too pedestrian for this much heart felt philosophy. What if you left that last line completely out? Also you've got that lovely rhyme between 'before' and 'drawer' which would tie up well with 'once more' at the end of a last line. I don't know how you feel about rewrtiting things to death, I'm compulsive about it, but if your happy I'm happy.
on some deleted poem
28 May 2004, 2:28 PM
How does a gossamer kiss have a sanguine depth?
on some deleted poem
29 May 2004, 3:00 AM
If you'd edit this down to the last 9 lines, this poem would be great. Oh, yeah, and the glimmer like gold line, that also is good. Sincerely.
on The Bed by Fear of Garbage
29 May 2004, 3:10 AM
Try saying things without using IT. For example just fat, cherry red.../ The head is brown, The sheets are blue. / The first two its(scrap it, sell it)work well. Leave those as they are.
on some deleted poem
30 May 2004, 2:05 PM
Why?
is not good enough.
No need.
or
Whatt ever the hell it is you say to people when your drunk and they're patronizing you.
Your instincts are great. You're intouch, but as for my own tastes, I keep expecting a nice ginger/sesame salmon with couscous and you keep serving up pot roast, it's good, it's tender, and the potatoes are just right but...
It's really all about me isn't it? Most everything is. The difference, for your writing, between great and good is the difference between eggshell and navajo white.
That last line's a sensation.
is not good enough.
No need.
or
Whatt ever the hell it is you say to people when your drunk and they're patronizing you.
Your instincts are great. You're intouch, but as for my own tastes, I keep expecting a nice ginger/sesame salmon with couscous and you keep serving up pot roast, it's good, it's tender, and the potatoes are just right but...
It's really all about me isn't it? Most everything is. The difference, for your writing, between great and good is the difference between eggshell and navajo white.
That last line's a sensation.
on For Antony's unborn by Mona Lisa
30 May 2004, 2:15 PM
Great.
on GENTLE JANE by titan69
30 May 2004, 2:20 PM
Beer.
on dancing on air by killingjuliet
30 May 2004, 2:22 PM
Nice ending. Drop magical mystery. It's like sand got into your peanut-butter and jam.
on lost in the riptide by killingjuliet
30 May 2004, 2:23 PM
ugh.
on forget me nots by killingjuliet
30 May 2004, 2:26 PM
Congradulations.
on Suicide of the Ego by Drifting Shadow
30 May 2004, 2:33 PM
I've got balls, brains, clits, tits, patience and inner peace. Your poem's still crap.
p.s. Happiness is overrated.
p.p.s. You're an asshat.
p.s. Happiness is overrated.
p.p.s. You're an asshat.
on Better Days by pain killer
2 Jun 2004, 12:52 PM
A couple of lines detract, the last and 64-65. Lots of interesting similes, and adj. good.
on Ode to the bright one by tre
31 May 2004, 11:09 PM
Title's all wrong. Should be called
'Ode To My Dildo On Loan'
'Ode To My Dildo On Loan'
on some deleted poem
2 Jun 2004, 11:53 AM
I was a vegetarian in the late 60âs.
It was rough.
No Amyâs or Eastmanâs at the A&P.
Iâd go out with my friends to eat
Wherever they wanted.
Mostly, we went to Pinkâs.
Iâd ask for a kraut dog, extra mustard, no wiener. Theyâd hand me the order with
The wiener on the side.
Iâd feed the wiener to a stray dog
then commune with my friends.
One night, an [old, black woman]* taking my order
Stopped, put her hand on her hip and said,
"I ainât got no time for such foolishness, next"!**
Her righteousness strong and husky.
Iâve remembered that voice all these years.
I hear it each time
I ask for something
different from what life decides.
Every time** I want
Respect,
Sympathy,
Love,
Faithfulness,
I hear that (put new, different adj.s here to describe the woman)woman repeating those words and
I know
It's God talking.
Telling all of us fools lining up with our own
Special orders- 'I ainât got the timeâ¦'.
Now, forty years later,
I understand what that Voice was telling me--
God donât have time for all your Foolishness.
You want a Kraut dog, extra mustard, no wiener?
Keep it simple stupid, pull the wienie out yourself.
You want the good life? Well alright then
You got life, the rest is up to you.
Make it good.
*describe her 'oldness' to me her 'blackness'. As old as... black like...
**Does the puncuation go on the outside or the inside of a quote? I always forget.
*** Every time is two words.
Change the title. The Weiner, or Pink's, or Sometimes God Is a Hot Dog Salesman, etc...
I like poems that sound like someone speaking, but all those ands, thats, howevers, distract. It's also nice to leave some of the info out, so the reader feels he's in the know. Just suggestions, take what you like.
It was rough.
No Amyâs or Eastmanâs at the A&P.
Iâd go out with my friends to eat
Wherever they wanted.
Mostly, we went to Pinkâs.
Iâd ask for a kraut dog, extra mustard, no wiener. Theyâd hand me the order with
The wiener on the side.
Iâd feed the wiener to a stray dog
then commune with my friends.
One night, an [old, black woman]* taking my order
Stopped, put her hand on her hip and said,
"I ainât got no time for such foolishness, next"!**
Her righteousness strong and husky.
Iâve remembered that voice all these years.
I hear it each time
I ask for something
different from what life decides.
Every time** I want
Respect,
Sympathy,
Love,
Faithfulness,
I hear that (put new, different adj.s here to describe the woman)woman repeating those words and
I know
It's God talking.
Telling all of us fools lining up with our own
Special orders- 'I ainât got the timeâ¦'.
Now, forty years later,
I understand what that Voice was telling me--
God donât have time for all your Foolishness.
You want a Kraut dog, extra mustard, no wiener?
Keep it simple stupid, pull the wienie out yourself.
You want the good life? Well alright then
You got life, the rest is up to you.
Make it good.
*describe her 'oldness' to me her 'blackness'. As old as... black like...
**Does the puncuation go on the outside or the inside of a quote? I always forget.
*** Every time is two words.
Change the title. The Weiner, or Pink's, or Sometimes God Is a Hot Dog Salesman, etc...
I like poems that sound like someone speaking, but all those ands, thats, howevers, distract. It's also nice to leave some of the info out, so the reader feels he's in the know. Just suggestions, take what you like.
on some deleted poem
2 Jun 2004, 12:56 PM
You should use the assonance between volatile and pride. Try 'drunk on tequila and pride' instead. The first line is wonderful, except for 'clear'. It should just be bacon. The end is silly, is it meant to be?
on some deleted poem
2 Jun 2004, 1:02 PM
Boring
on Amateur night - God, a one man show by fair12
2 Jun 2004, 1:08 PM
The last line's a mammoth disappointment. Some very good lines and structure. In S2, I can't tell if you or the stones are whipping through a bleak blue sky, needs clearing up.