What did you change? It sounds cleaner each time, but the last edit must of been very mininimal.

Beautiful.

Typo darling.

the secomd stanza seems a bit muddled, thou it is beautiful and the last image is strong and creative, I have too try to hard to understand where you are going; in contrast to the first stanza which follows tackles the images straight-forwardly.

There is too much butterfrosting on this cake, it makes my teeth hurt. "your mind's Olympus"? Don't you think that's a little far-fetched?

I love this poem, thank you for putting this down for people to read. It's important not to forget. I think you should end this poem at

Only man is the rebel
arguing with the source of excistence.

Make a second poem out of the rest.

Are you a serial killer? Is this a confession?

Try 'enchanted by your....' that way you really have been transformed. This isn't about a tree is it?

Carries the image of sad contentment with dignity, I don't find dogs in poems very often, loyal creatures.

This is really wonderful on many different levels. Very accurate, should be used to teach, the kids get tired of only Homer and Ovid.

Suicide Typo, is an affective play, you are a very good writer.

Oh my God yes. Bring the last to lines back up. They belong there, common, that's the point after all. Make them common and humble, like you.

Jeeesus Christ! What the hell are you talkin' about? "Feathered as a newborn"? You don't have children do you? The first six lines speak to a cocktail of synthetic opiates. Can you say 'Sea World on drugs' or maybe you just lost your way to the harbor, get some sleep.

There is so much going on here, you really need to hold back, I know it's hard at your age. Trust me.


tender lids
Darkened in sleep.
You seem new.

Do not venture beyond that. It says everything.

Get rid of 'over' in stanza 2(otherwise perfect)

Also 'soon to bleed' in stanza one, you don't need it. Your emotion comes shining through. Trust the audience.

'Pouty' is also an un-needed adjective, 'perfect' says it all.

Complete 'morn' to morning.

I wish
I wis I could know you.

You know what, you could be brilliant. Get past the pain and pay attention to what you're saying. Stop repeating yourself. Get rid of the typos, first step. Then take a deep breath and make sure you don't lose the only thing that keeps you going. Stay focused. 10, because of your emotion.

Very fine. I have no winter here. Winter only means paper whites instead of black-eyed susans.

I think you should remove the quotes in the last stanza. You rhyme 'me' thrice in last stanza also. i like this poem but it still needs some tighting and editing. Must it rhyme? Some of the rhymes are strong, Maybelline/slipstream, kisses/hisses.

Don't tell, show. Pictures dear, that's the key, not feelings exposed but snapshots.

That was exhausting. Get over it. Try some line breaks and ephedirene.

Changethetitle,itdoesn'ttiein.Didyoumakeupthethirdline?