on The Resilient Woman by Joe-joe
29 Apr 2005, 4:28 AM
Not bad, but it should be "thirst like she HAS never known before" and broken into several shorter sentences - after "reside", I'd say, and maybe after "brine".
on Requiem by ChaseValentine
29 Apr 2005, 4:47 AM
The line "that paint deserts golden pink" doesn't seem connected to any of the rest of the poem. And I don't even know if it's true.
"Settling" should probably be "settle".
Samson and Delilah doesn't really fit, since you're getting your hair cut (i.e., you're Samson) but it's not making you weak (i.e., like it did Samson).
The last two lines are great and well-broken. Make the two lines leading into them stronger. You don't need to say "I've shorn myself for the summer" for so long, since you've already said it and better. Think of something else. -10-.
"Settling" should probably be "settle".
Samson and Delilah doesn't really fit, since you're getting your hair cut (i.e., you're Samson) but it's not making you weak (i.e., like it did Samson).
The last two lines are great and well-broken. Make the two lines leading into them stronger. You don't need to say "I've shorn myself for the summer" for so long, since you've already said it and better. Think of something else. -10-.
on Sins of convenience by sunset sky
29 Apr 2005, 4:50 AM
The last stanza has got to go.
on some deleted poem
29 Apr 2005, 4:52 AM
Hi, welcome to poemranker! I'd like to make some suggestions about your poem, but I'm afraid you're going to have a seizure if I do. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Worried in Ar-Rabba
Sincerely,
Worried in Ar-Rabba
on Walking Out by NoSage
29 Apr 2005, 4:53 AM
Say "his", not "their".
on Carnival Creatures by <{Baba^Yaga}>
29 Apr 2005, 5:03 AM
This is great. One thing: "born" should be "borne".
on Middle-Aged White Woman by Dovina
29 Apr 2005, 5:18 AM
"Begin with an individual, and before you know it you find that you have created a type; begin with a type, and you find that you have created - nothing."
-'The Rich Boy'
-'The Rich Boy'
on Just a Poem by Damien
29 Apr 2005, 5:25 AM
I wonder if you read much of the poetry that's written these days. Of course a lot of it is crap, just like most poetry from any time, but I think you'd be really surprised and pleased by some. Check it out.
Robert Pinsky posts a new poem on his Slate.com page every week. They're always pretty good, and you can see them here: http://www.slate.com/?id=3944&;cp=333
A recent one has one of my favorite bits of poetry ever:
how scrufty, how
anciently scabby
we, he and I;
how worn, how
self-devoured,
balls and all,
balls, balls and all.
Robert Pinsky posts a new poem on his Slate.com page every week. They're always pretty good, and you can see them here: http://www.slate.com/?id=3944&;cp=333
A recent one has one of my favorite bits of poetry ever:
how scrufty, how
anciently scabby
we, he and I;
how worn, how
self-devoured,
balls and all,
balls, balls and all.
on Wherever the Wind Will Blow by nothingtoanyone
1 May 2005, 6:43 AM
Some edits:
- Wherever is one word.
- Don't put a period at the end of the first line.
- How is the rain like tears from children's faces? Yes, I know. But say how in the poem.
- Don't say blood in the next line. For one, it sounds like your saying children's tears are blood. For another, you're really saying the rain's blood. Rain doesn't have blood. If anything, rain is blood.
- Don't capitalize wind.
- Don't put a period at the end of that sentence.
- Say Nature's, not Natures. And don't capitalize breath.
- Don't say reliquish in another language. There's no point or basis in the poem for it. And anyways, then you have to worry about putting the pronoun them before reliquere (where it should be if you're talking French), or after where it doesn't sound right. Better yet, just say relinquish.
- Forgetting in the next line doesn't seem to have a subject. Then leave should probably be leaving.
- I appreciate poetic phrase-making, but running of with the distance doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You don't have to change it, just so you know.
- Don't say capere. There's no reason.
- In that sentence, you've got the leaves running off in the distance, but what's standing tired and naked? The trees, obviously. But you haven't said that. It sounds like you mean the leaves are standing. Say the trees.
- Make the last two lines a real sentence. It also doesn't make sense as it is. There's no subject for waiting, unless you mean battle, but that doesn't make sense. It also sounds like you're saying waiting for the return of the never-ending cycle, which is kind of silly, because the cycle's never-ending, right, so where did it go?
That's all. Sorry to sound nitpicky, but you have to admit making these changes won't do anything to your poem but make it make more sense. It's not like they'll ruin it or anything.
- Wherever is one word.
- Don't put a period at the end of the first line.
- How is the rain like tears from children's faces? Yes, I know. But say how in the poem.
- Don't say blood in the next line. For one, it sounds like your saying children's tears are blood. For another, you're really saying the rain's blood. Rain doesn't have blood. If anything, rain is blood.
- Don't capitalize wind.
- Don't put a period at the end of that sentence.
- Say Nature's, not Natures. And don't capitalize breath.
- Don't say reliquish in another language. There's no point or basis in the poem for it. And anyways, then you have to worry about putting the pronoun them before reliquere (where it should be if you're talking French), or after where it doesn't sound right. Better yet, just say relinquish.
- Forgetting in the next line doesn't seem to have a subject. Then leave should probably be leaving.
- I appreciate poetic phrase-making, but running of with the distance doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You don't have to change it, just so you know.
- Don't say capere. There's no reason.
- In that sentence, you've got the leaves running off in the distance, but what's standing tired and naked? The trees, obviously. But you haven't said that. It sounds like you mean the leaves are standing. Say the trees.
- Make the last two lines a real sentence. It also doesn't make sense as it is. There's no subject for waiting, unless you mean battle, but that doesn't make sense. It also sounds like you're saying waiting for the return of the never-ending cycle, which is kind of silly, because the cycle's never-ending, right, so where did it go?
That's all. Sorry to sound nitpicky, but you have to admit making these changes won't do anything to your poem but make it make more sense. It's not like they'll ruin it or anything.
on Savor Your Tasteful, Tasteless Morsel by nothingtoanyone
2 May 2005, 12:43 AM
I don't understand why this poem has the word "douche" in it.
on Spirit In a Temple by peaceseeker
3 May 2005, 2:29 PM
I don't think you meant "physiological".
on a way to pass time by unknown^user
7 May 2005, 4:56 AM
This is good. Don't listen to Dovina. Like she'd know.
on some deleted poem
8 May 2005, 10:44 PM
Hi, welcome to poemranker. This isn't a bad poem, just a couple of nitpicks, really. For one, there's an extra space between I'm and back in the first line - don't know why. For another, all poetry on poemranker is legally (but kind of sloppily Americanly) copyrighted by the poster as of the most recent update, so you don't need to include copyright information at the end of your poem. In fact, I think it's decreed somewhere around here that you don't. Lastly, as an American (and living abroad) it bugs me how Europeans write the same poems about America over and over. This poem could be ripped off a Blur album. And besides, most Americans don't even know who Calamatiy Jane and Rock Hudson are anymore. If you want to know what we Americans' current cultural touchpoint is, it's: Europeans.
Would you consider writing something about them? Maybe something along the lines of
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
or
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
Would you consider writing something about them? Maybe something along the lines of
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
or
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
on Maybe my answer is maybe by Prince of Void
8 May 2005, 10:47 PM
I don't understand. So your way of living life to its fullest is to avoid even the possibility of giving a real answer?
Anyway, please consider changing all the Thees, Thys and Thous to Yous, Yours, and Yous, respectively. Thank you. Please also note that any pronoun referring to God should be capitalized - i.e., I beseech Thee...
-10-