on some deleted poem
5 Apr 2004, 5:31 AM
Hey, violetsuede, I was wondering why when you voted on this on April 5, 2004, 3:41 AM PDT, you only gave yourself a seven. -7-
on Are Gays From Uranus by scitz
5 Apr 2004, 6:10 AM
Assteroids
on Hologram glasses by zodiac
5 Apr 2004, 7:25 AM
"HOLOGRAPHIC GLASSES - The Whole World Celebrates in Jewish when you look at any point of light through these glasses. Use them to look at asingle source of light such as light bulb or street illumination."
http://www.bariff.org/bariff/320192.html
http://www.bariff.org/bariff/320192.html
on Mr. Jawharp Man by Sidekickboy
5 Apr 2004, 2:09 PM
"Self reliance is the way we're told" is poor wording.
The repetition of "All the while" is more irritating than interesting.
I would recommend not capitalizing the random religiousish words.
"Murmer" should be "murmur."
More importantly, I find this a supreme overstatement, a single idea refashioned about 30 minimally-different ways. I'd be interested in seeing how you would express the same idea in maybe 8 lines. Or how you'd fit more ideas into this (or a smaller) space. Take a look here for an idea of how that's done: http://www.poemranker.com/user-browse.js
The repetition of "All the while" is more irritating than interesting.
I would recommend not capitalizing the random religiousish words.
"Murmer" should be "murmur."
More importantly, I find this a supreme overstatement, a single idea refashioned about 30 minimally-different ways. I'd be interested in seeing how you would express the same idea in maybe 8 lines. Or how you'd fit more ideas into this (or a smaller) space. Take a look here for an idea of how that's done: http://www.poemranker.com/user-browse.js
on some deleted poem
5 Apr 2004, 2:13 PM
I think the middle part should be reworked as:
"but instead
sliced it clean off,
a [metaphor here maybe].
I still remember etc etc."
Maybe play around some with the line length in the first part, some richa enjambment. I don't know how, exactly. At any rate I'd lose the dash, ellipses, and unnecessary I.
"but instead
sliced it clean off,
a [metaphor here maybe].
I still remember etc etc."
Maybe play around some with the line length in the first part, some richa enjambment. I don't know how, exactly. At any rate I'd lose the dash, ellipses, and unnecessary I.
on On the Discovery of Cyclone #11 and a Card-Playing Bear . by MacFrantic
5 Apr 2004, 2:42 PM
I knew this old East German raver
Who'd do me sometimes for a favor
Man, she was so hirsute
That to locate her chute
Took an hour with an electric shaver
Who'd do me sometimes for a favor
Man, she was so hirsute
That to locate her chute
Took an hour with an electric shaver
on some deleted poem
5 Apr 2004, 2:45 PM
The last line is such a disappointment. This is me reversing my usual advice to p/r posters: you should cut the last line and then add about 8 more about something or other. And "rising hope" bugs me.
on Plastic Explosive Iraqi-Man by Enkidu
5 Apr 2004, 9:14 PM
"The day after the end of the castless world" -- can you explain what this means?
on Alone by Deluxotron
6 Apr 2004, 4:33 AM
Hey, I wanted you to know I thought this was a really well-written lyric reminiscent of the ______ian ramblings of Mr _______ with some clever half-rhymes too, but it's my policy to give any poem which refers to suicide an automatic zero. The reason I do this is that have good reason to believe that ninety-nine percent of suicidals are just attention-grubbing whiners who think they're fucking Kurdnt Kobbayne or Sylvia Plath and that giving them pity, praise, or any kind of attention at all only encourages their self-aggrandizing gothic tendencies. You say, what the fuck do you know, you fucking asshole? or something along those lines. To which I say, I know more people who've successfully (and unsuccessfully) committed suicide than you, and I've gotten sick to death of it. Don't come barking up my tree on this, I have rabies. Good day.
Foresake should be Forsake.
I'm a little muddy on 'the polite case', but I'm sure you mean something by it.
I would like to see you put a different punctuation after 'up' and eliminate the 'for' afterward. Though when I read it it sounds good.
I find it reads better with a comma after faked and no 'and' before 'worn'. See what you think.
'At your heart, a poor gown' is the weakest line and should be re-written. The last lines are really strong arresting etc, but I wonder if there's a better word to put in the place of 'worth'.
The form seems to work pretty well. You might consider putting some space in every couple of lines, though. I don't know, play around and see what you think.
I'm a little muddy on 'the polite case', but I'm sure you mean something by it.
I would like to see you put a different punctuation after 'up' and eliminate the 'for' afterward. Though when I read it it sounds good.
I find it reads better with a comma after faked and no 'and' before 'worn'. See what you think.
'At your heart, a poor gown' is the weakest line and should be re-written. The last lines are really strong arresting etc, but I wonder if there's a better word to put in the place of 'worth'.
The form seems to work pretty well. You might consider putting some space in every couple of lines, though. I don't know, play around and see what you think.
on A Quick Lick Of Yellow by Jeremi B. Handrinos
6 Apr 2004, 4:15 PM
I feel like whenever I try to make a substantive comment on your poems you're like ohmygod bitch, like you can even and shit, but here goes:
I don't see why you didn't write "down a path lit with hibachi, (comma)" or something besides "as the waters miasma". Or why this doesn't make more like your usual amount of sense.
But you do deserve props for inventing the first courier-specific poetry with your truly magical villanelle "Often, I'll sit down to pee." And for being the world's first successful Negro soul transplant. -10-
I don't see why you didn't write "down a path lit with hibachi, (comma)" or something besides "as the waters miasma". Or why this doesn't make more like your usual amount of sense.
But you do deserve props for inventing the first courier-specific poetry with your truly magical villanelle "Often, I'll sit down to pee." And for being the world's first successful Negro soul transplant. -10-
on The Pear Blossom Highway by Shardik
6 Apr 2004, 6:55 PM
Welcome back. Without you here I had to be the gay one. I was awful at it.
on some deleted poem
7 Apr 2004, 5:37 AM
A highway collision of racist, ignorant, and poor affectation of an indeterminate accent so boring that no one, in fact, slows to watch. To appear more stupid in a single post, you'd have to actually somehow make my monitor drool.
on Where are you, Sally Jesse Rafiel? by GregDeEgg
10 Apr 2004, 6:34 AM
For misspelling Raphael: -7-
on SEASON OF WINTER by galaxy4unknown
8 Apr 2004, 7:48 AM
I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM - MY KEYBOARD ONLY HAS CAPITAL LETTERS.
on ritual of now intensified by nentwined
8 Apr 2004, 4:00 PM
Welcome back! You should get a ten for just posting again, but manna has two n's and this is my third poemranker poem about coffee today.
on Polyester Mustache by Bachus
8 Apr 2004, 4:09 PM
Upon first reading your title, I thought, hmm, an improbable adjective-noun pairing... what's he doing, ripping off Shuushin? Then I realized - no!!! It's a polar opposite to my own post, 'Hologram Glasses'! Yen and Yang!!! Then the force of the ejaculation that ensued from this realization flipped me backwards in my swivel office chair laying me up with a concussion so severe that for a splendorous minute upon awakening I thought I was wcrystal lane swiftw. Everything was very beautiful and pink translucent plastic and I met Jesus and we danced all night to 'Lady In Red' and in the morning he married me with a piece of his Holy Foreskin. Then I awoke in a puddle of pinkish jizz with an unholy hangover and a swollen ringpiece that spoke of terrible buggering. The point being, clench should be clinch, I believe, and great poem.
on some deleted poem
11 Apr 2004, 6:54 AM
"Love, Provider, Protector, Lamb" - considering all the choices you have for names, these four seem pretty homogenous and lovey-dovey. Wouldn't it make your point better to use a bigger variety, including some of the darker/weirder ones?
on some deleted poem
7 Apr 2004, 2:16 PM
HEY, wCRYSTALw! HAVE A GOOGLE CLICHE COUNT - DELUXE EDITION*!!
~***~
Each number in parentheses represents the number of google hits returned for the phrase immediately preceding it. As a special DELUXE EDITION bonus, I've included the term +'poetry' with every search - to weed out, I don't know, census reports and such. No, it's not scientific, but I think it'll give you a pretty good idea of how much shame you should be feeling at the moment for being a COLLEGE GRADUATE who writes like this. Ready? Here we go!!
~***~
Perhaps I ought to fight this dream (6)
Of having you forever (100)
Let it die (1,580)
Put it on a shelf (190)
And swear I don’t want you (16,900)
Maybe it really isn’t
You (67)
That I want anyhow (5)
I could just want this meta-relationship
Want the want (61) [want] I have for you (2)
All of this frustration (12) builds and builds
And manifests itself
As (50) volumes of rough, unfinished poetry (141)
Uneaten meals (16), hours of depression (40), thoughts of giving up (28)
Late night conversations (429) expressing desires yet unfulfilled (1)
Music takes me away (17)
Someone else’s songs (57); their lyrics and instruments
Playing over and over (776)
For somehow…when I listen
Your sweet scent fills the air (4) and your touch warms my skin (1)
I know not why (2,610)
You are the perfect one (22)
I ought to question myself (823)
Convince myself that (2,840) this is fleeting (37)
My efforts are in vain (49)
Total Shame Index: 26,864
~***~
Each number in parentheses represents the number of google hits returned for the phrase immediately preceding it. As a special DELUXE EDITION bonus, I've included the term +'poetry' with every search - to weed out, I don't know, census reports and such. No, it's not scientific, but I think it'll give you a pretty good idea of how much shame you should be feeling at the moment for being a COLLEGE GRADUATE who writes like this. Ready? Here we go!!
~***~
Perhaps I ought to fight this dream (6)
Of having you forever (100)
Let it die (1,580)
Put it on a shelf (190)
And swear I don’t want you (16,900)
Maybe it really isn’t
You (67)
That I want anyhow (5)
I could just want this meta-relationship
Want the want (61) [want] I have for you (2)
All of this frustration (12) builds and builds
And manifests itself
As (50) volumes of rough, unfinished poetry (141)
Uneaten meals (16), hours of depression (40), thoughts of giving up (28)
Late night conversations (429) expressing desires yet unfulfilled (1)
Music takes me away (17)
Someone else’s songs (57); their lyrics and instruments
Playing over and over (776)
For somehow…when I listen
Your sweet scent fills the air (4) and your touch warms my skin (1)
I know not why (2,610)
You are the perfect one (22)
I ought to question myself (823)
Convince myself that (2,840) this is fleeting (37)
My efforts are in vain (49)
Total Shame Index: 26,864
Surely someone here has asked you before if you're insane or were kicked in the head in your infancy by a barnyard animal or something - but on the off-chance that no one has, here goes:
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT A SUPREMELY PIGHEADED WAY OF WALKING AROUND IN THE WORLD THAT IS???!!