on some deleted poem
1 Feb 2004, 12:36 PM
Sure.
on La Belle Epoque by andrewjthomas
1 Feb 2004, 2:02 PM
Woah there. Well, I'm with darkangel on the general annoyingness of arbitrary linebreaks, but I firmly believe that for a poem to be regarded as such (ie, as a poem,) it has got to a) look like one, and b) not scare people with what looks like a lot of unpunctuated long lines. So at the very least I would insert extra breaks after 'image', 'Hall', and so on. Make it look like stanzas, like something manageable. For another thing, the ends of lines are not anywhere regarded as periods or commas; you should insert these where needed. And third (ie, most daring,) you might consider some arbitrary linebreaks. You see, I'm sure, how most of the lines end cleanly at the ends of thoughts or clauses? That doesn't have to be. I don't know how lines should be broken up (I only do it by rhyme,) but I've heard it has something to do with making the fragments of phrases meaningful (sometimes) as smaller phrases. That's half. The other half, I would imagine, is just making it look striking and poetic. Again, I have no idea how. In fact, you can ignore this whole last part if you choose. But definitely make stanzas. People like stanzas.
on Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
2 Feb 2004, 6:11 AM
Congratulations - judging from the response here, I'd say you're turning legitimate. Legitimacy's a terrible burden, I've heard. It did awful things to Tennyson.
If you don't mind my saying, you might do something to celebrate your new laureate position on the ranker - like ordering that all further posts here be husk-oriented or finishing the AIDS trilogy on a spectacularly offensive note. An aspiring naughty poete can't afford to lose his street-credibility.
Or, if you wish, I'm willing to multiple-zero you or leave hideous garbled comments about feelings on your poems. I don't know - I haven't been here long, but it already seems like the passing of an age when no one will zero you, even out of spite. Where's CLS?
That said, this is hardly your best post. Father Blunderbum is introduced way too late - I have no sense of who he IS. What makes him RUN? And it's really only one TALE from the outhouse, right?
If you don't mind my saying, you might do something to celebrate your new laureate position on the ranker - like ordering that all further posts here be husk-oriented or finishing the AIDS trilogy on a spectacularly offensive note. An aspiring naughty poete can't afford to lose his street-credibility.
Or, if you wish, I'm willing to multiple-zero you or leave hideous garbled comments about feelings on your poems. I don't know - I haven't been here long, but it already seems like the passing of an age when no one will zero you, even out of spite. Where's CLS?
That said, this is hardly your best post. Father Blunderbum is introduced way too late - I have no sense of who he IS. What makes him RUN? And it's really only one TALE from the outhouse, right?
on some deleted poem
2 Feb 2004, 6:14 AM
Haiku for you:
I start to suspect /
Typing is hard for you, and /
Reading gives headaches.
I start to suspect /
Typing is hard for you, and /
Reading gives headaches.
on 3AM At Whitey's by DurtKL
2 Feb 2004, 7:45 AM
I guess they're your stereotypes too. You didn't do anything to make them more. By which I mean, it's good writing, and great images, but ultimately nothing.
on Nina Simone (part one) by zodiac
2 Feb 2004, 7:49 AM
I deleted all your votes. Sorry.
on some deleted poem
2 Feb 2004, 10:11 AM
For making extremely minor changes (and deleting all previous votes and comments) while completely ignoring the gist of our critique: zero.
on some deleted poem
2 Feb 2004, 12:23 PM
Do you think we are in the End Times?
on In love as in war by zodiac
2 Feb 2004, 12:28 PM
I'll thank you, CLS/lydia, to not multiple vote me. I feel dirty now and overdue for as compulsive scouring.
on aggression by ThePariahDog
2 Feb 2004, 7:41 PM
For being the second person ever (after me) to rhyme divan, but still not editing this poem in any meaningful way except to erase votes: -1-
on some deleted poem
2 Feb 2004, 1:22 PM
Why be euphemistic? And I'd appreciate an answer on the End Times thing -- it's research.
on some deleted poem
2 Feb 2004, 1:46 PM
You want it. You know you do. Go on. Jesus will wait.
on some deleted poem
2 Feb 2004, 7:53 PM
ACT OF CONTRITION (a lyrick) ---
Sunday, the grounds are all bright and still-o,
Dreaming things already half-forgotten â
And Crystal Lane Smith is scrubbing her bottom
Seventy times with a bit of brillo.
Monday, conscience-husked-clean and meek-ened,
She faces the class, almost seems convincing,
But cannot sit down for a fear of wincing
And letting them know how she spent her weekend.
Sunday, the grounds are all bright and still-o,
Dreaming things already half-forgotten â
And Crystal Lane Smith is scrubbing her bottom
Seventy times with a bit of brillo.
Monday, conscience-husked-clean and meek-ened,
She faces the class, almost seems convincing,
But cannot sit down for a fear of wincing
And letting them know how she spent her weekend.
on thinking while sawin' a few logs by Freethinker1602
3 Feb 2004, 11:30 AM
Why did you get a zero? You might at first suspect that I hold a disability-ist prejudice and have chosen your handicapped verse as the latest target of my unreasoning hatred. But this wouldn't be true, for -=Dark_Angel=- is wheelchair-bound and I regularly commend both his writing and his unwarranted attacks on other wheelchair-bounds (ie, Stephen Hawking). Likewise, Goad, who had most of his throat torn out by a bad German date and is now only able to approximate 'speech' by rattling a piece of wax paper wrapped around a comb with his weak sursurrations, usually gets my approval. So it can't be that I've somehow sensed that you are one of those spinal-columnless 'miracle' babies from whom any approximation of communication at all should be greeted with wonderment, yet whose handicap only inspires fear and hatred in twisted soul. Maybe it's just the line "Sadness? Ney 'tis just the beginning of a new denile." Yeah, that's probably it.
on bluebells and none by richa
3 Feb 2004, 11:33 AM
Very good. Do you want comments?
on bluebells and none by richa
3 Feb 2004, 11:43 AM
I don't see the tense one. Telling is a subordinate clause that could be represented something like: "and, telling ourselves that it was not stealing, we had know way of knowing." Also, the time of year that still occurs "when the badger hole etc..." is when you used to pinch bluebells. That also works for me. 'Crows' should be 'crow's'. I don't know what is meant by the fetch of the stare hitting on bark - or, at least, it doesn't call a season to my mind. Crows are around all year here, so is bark. Other than that I think this is fine and a great publishable poetic voice. I see this hitting pulpwood a lot sooner than some other stuff here.
on some deleted poem
3 Feb 2004, 11:46 AM
This is the best of yours I've read here.
on some deleted poem
3 Feb 2004, 5:44 PM
"Unicorns and dragon flys, a beast," - this line is about two syllables too long.
"Dreams of cakes and whatever you feast," - feast as a verb can't stand alone in the reflexive sense (ie, you can feast someone else, but you can't feast yourself.) Most people 'feast on', though Dark Angel probably 'feastes of'. You'll have to ask him. Maybe you can just add another noun instead of whatever, so it goes 'dreams of cakes and ______ and feasts.'
On a similar note, I've always thought the song sung by Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that starts 'I want a feast - I want a bean-feast!' was very peculiar. Bean-feasts seem really German to me somehow - don't ask why. Maybe it's just that in America we have so many better things to feast on than beans, while in Germany they do not. I don't know.
This has a better sound than you give yourself credit for, like Yeats's 'Lake Isle at Innisfree' or 'The Stolen Child'. However, in the future you should watch out for rhyming the sound -igh, which is easy to the point of being a trap. Robert Frost in his first book makes practically every rhyme an -igh. In one song on the Moondance album Van Morrison rhymes -igh to absurdity, ending only with the line 'ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai.' It works here, but be careful.
"Dreams of cakes and whatever you feast," - feast as a verb can't stand alone in the reflexive sense (ie, you can feast someone else, but you can't feast yourself.) Most people 'feast on', though Dark Angel probably 'feastes of'. You'll have to ask him. Maybe you can just add another noun instead of whatever, so it goes 'dreams of cakes and ______ and feasts.'
On a similar note, I've always thought the song sung by Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that starts 'I want a feast - I want a bean-feast!' was very peculiar. Bean-feasts seem really German to me somehow - don't ask why. Maybe it's just that in America we have so many better things to feast on than beans, while in Germany they do not. I don't know.
This has a better sound than you give yourself credit for, like Yeats's 'Lake Isle at Innisfree' or 'The Stolen Child'. However, in the future you should watch out for rhyming the sound -igh, which is easy to the point of being a trap. Robert Frost in his first book makes practically every rhyme an -igh. In one song on the Moondance album Van Morrison rhymes -igh to absurdity, ending only with the line 'ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai.' It works here, but be careful.
on some deleted poem
3 Feb 2004, 5:47 PM
A real beard poem from the source!!! Beautiful!!!
on Digging A Grave by Billy Biff-Chin
4 Feb 2004, 4:48 AM
-0- = poo on a stick.