on Pretty Little Dead Thing by JAM
21 Feb 2006, 3:14 PM
If you must rhyme, consider rhyming words that no sensible person would try to rhyme, but in a way that seems obvious after the fact.
on Just Desserts (for drnick) by ALChemy
21 Feb 2006, 3:07 PM
"who's" should be "whose".
"that" in the first sentence should at least be "where" or "in which" for the sentence to be grammatical.
"deniles" is a cheesy play on words and doesn't add meaning.
I'm having some trouble getting the second verse. What's earned might not be rewarded? I'd have expected what's paid to be rewarded; what's earned is its own reward.
"thier" in last stanza = "their".
Nice. There's a couple of nice meanings in this.
"that" in the first sentence should at least be "where" or "in which" for the sentence to be grammatical.
"deniles" is a cheesy play on words and doesn't add meaning.
I'm having some trouble getting the second verse. What's earned might not be rewarded? I'd have expected what's paid to be rewarded; what's earned is its own reward.
"thier" in last stanza = "their".
Nice. There's a couple of nice meanings in this.
replying on A young Manâs Demise by Dovina
19 Feb 2006, 8:52 PM
So, um, how do you squash an egg to make it an ellipsoid? Why not simply squash a sphere? Seems easier.
replying on A young Manâs Demise by Dovina
19 Feb 2006, 8:04 PM
Besides, unsquashed eggs are ellipsoids.
replying on To drnick by amanda_dcosta
19 Feb 2006, 8:01 PM
Here's a likely scenario:
Pope Ratzinger is probably aware that God isn't moved by human prayers. He does, however, know that God gives special chairs in heaven to people who pray for others. He therefore dupes the entirety of his congregation into believing prayer intercessions are meaningful ways to help others, and then counts on (1) his having helped many, many people into heaven, and (2) his own prayers, which are, possibly, only for his own salvation, to get himself into heaven as well. The only alternative, from his perspective, is simply to tell all his congregants to only pray for themselves or risk being seen by God as disingenuous self-promoters. In which case, no one gets bonus points, and even Ratzinger's own salvation is at risk, as he's helped no one particularly get salvation and he's a soddy Nazi crone.
Pope Ratzinger is probably aware that God isn't moved by human prayers. He does, however, know that God gives special chairs in heaven to people who pray for others. He therefore dupes the entirety of his congregation into believing prayer intercessions are meaningful ways to help others, and then counts on (1) his having helped many, many people into heaven, and (2) his own prayers, which are, possibly, only for his own salvation, to get himself into heaven as well. The only alternative, from his perspective, is simply to tell all his congregants to only pray for themselves or risk being seen by God as disingenuous self-promoters. In which case, no one gets bonus points, and even Ratzinger's own salvation is at risk, as he's helped no one particularly get salvation and he's a soddy Nazi crone.
replying on A young Manâs Demise by Dovina
19 Feb 2006, 7:56 PM
Squashed eggs are not typically ellipsoids. Don't believe me? Try squashing an egg.
re "An English gentleman would also know that an adjective cannot follow a preposition unless an noun follows the adjective":
Your grammar is beyond appalling. Check and mate.
re "An English gentleman would also know that an adjective cannot follow a preposition unless an noun follows the adjective":
Your grammar is beyond appalling. Check and mate.
replying on A young Manâs Demise by Dovina
19 Feb 2006, 1:39 PM
Thanks for clearing that up. I got that they dress the egg in lily-whites and stand it on its squashed black end in various places.
replying on To drnick by amanda_dcosta
19 Feb 2006, 1:33 PM
So prayer is only relevant to personal salvation, then. It's pretty conceivable that God would say "Well, I wasn't going to save so-and-so, but since he prays so much, I guess I will."
Of course, you CAN simply pray "God send me to heaven instead of hell". But if you could likely get bonus points for wishing good on other people while praying, why the hell wouldn't you?
Of course, you CAN simply pray "God send me to heaven instead of hell". But if you could likely get bonus points for wishing good on other people while praying, why the hell wouldn't you?
replying on Valentine 2 by zodiac
16 Feb 2006, 5:23 PM
I love that book.
replying on Valentine 2 by zodiac
15 Feb 2006, 8:38 AM
Not news clippings, but a real event - from 1779 and your part of the world. Captain Cook was killed by native knives in Hawaii after his third voyage around the world.
replying on change (3rd draft) by Adriaan
15 Feb 2006, 8:23 AM
"3-5-3 (supposedly truer to the informational content of Japanese haiku)."
Is this true? I've always thought the informational content of Japanese was equivalent to, if not actually denser than, English. But then I think, well what about Konichiwa (4 syllables) and Hello (2 syllables)? But then I think, oh, right, I don't really care. Haiku's the rottest poetry form.
Is this true? I've always thought the informational content of Japanese was equivalent to, if not actually denser than, English. But then I think, well what about Konichiwa (4 syllables) and Hello (2 syllables)? But then I think, oh, right, I don't really care. Haiku's the rottest poetry form.
replying on Valentine 2 by zodiac
14 Feb 2006, 4:59 PM
The 'perhaps' throughout is my nod to AlChemy calling me out on the last one. The only thing that's sure in this poem is the ship blasting the island, which did really happen.
Other than the last two poems, I've never put words in any real person's mouth except Jesus, who I figure is used to it.
Other than the last two poems, I've never put words in any real person's mouth except Jesus, who I figure is used to it.
replying on Valentine 2 by zodiac
14 Feb 2006, 4:57 PM
This is going to come off as bragging whatever I say. I think I'm so worried about not saying things twice, I can barely make myself say anything once. Things I would have liked to include in this poem if I'd known how:
- After killing Cook, the Hawaiians ate his flesh;
- Clerke, Cook's second-in-command who took the Resolution home after Cook's death, had tuberculosis even then, from voluntarily spending a year in debtor's prison to cover his brother's debt.
That said, I think the two poems complete each other. The secret Gusenberg never reveals is, I don't know, the misspent idealism and absurdity of it and love-death that Clerke is trying to express. That's the Valentine, for the Irish who cares or the native girl who doesn't. Honestly, though, I wish I'd made just one of the poems say that, or something better. Of the two, I think this gets the closest to where I want, with the girl leaving. And here I wish the poetry came out a little more.
- After killing Cook, the Hawaiians ate his flesh;
- Clerke, Cook's second-in-command who took the Resolution home after Cook's death, had tuberculosis even then, from voluntarily spending a year in debtor's prison to cover his brother's debt.
That said, I think the two poems complete each other. The secret Gusenberg never reveals is, I don't know, the misspent idealism and absurdity of it and love-death that Clerke is trying to express. That's the Valentine, for the Irish who cares or the native girl who doesn't. Honestly, though, I wish I'd made just one of the poems say that, or something better. Of the two, I think this gets the closest to where I want, with the girl leaving. And here I wish the poetry came out a little more.
on In response to by INTRANSIT
14 Feb 2006, 12:59 PM
I'm with the critiquers who said downplay the 'deer in the headlights'. Maybe just have it walk onto the road at night with you coming on. Don't say the actual words 'deer caught in my headlights', whatever adjectives you think might camoulflage them.
on Happy 40th Anniversary by Dovina
14 Feb 2006, 12:56 PM
Wish this had a story.
on Sonnet for Snow by ecargo
14 Feb 2006, 12:55 PM
Nice.
on Escape by raven_the_poet
14 Feb 2006, 12:51 PM
The easiest and wrongest thing to do in poetry is end every line on a full-stop - that is, with a period or strong punctuation. Your goal needs to be to write thoughts that run through the ends of the line, and that also make the grammar close to normal instead of backwards and archaic. That's not hard to do, but it takes practice.
on Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy
14 Feb 2006, 12:49 PM
If you haven't given it yet, here are my suggestions.
Except for the half rhyme you could stand to lose "in soft waters of", so do the next best thing: drop "of a cold boiling ocean". Or somehow combine the two.
"beneath the driving rain" is one instance where you can drop "the".
"tumbling" and "boiling" seem a little too easy and light for your cold ocean. I'd prefer edgier words. She might not.
And easy way to handle punctuation AND edge would be to simply say "I tumble through swarming bubbles."
I want to hear more about the air that isn't there. Is there time? It's a great hint of image/predicament/etc, anyway.
"A chill so, that it burns the illusion / of fire," - ??? That's a little grammar-weird. I can see why, but...
"In my bones, they know" - since it's you bones that know, it'd be best to clear that up: "My bones, they know", "In my bones, I know", "These old bones, they know" - something.
That's all. And again, I think you'll get laid whatever you do with it.
Except for the half rhyme you could stand to lose "in soft waters of", so do the next best thing: drop "of a cold boiling ocean". Or somehow combine the two.
"beneath the driving rain" is one instance where you can drop "the".
"tumbling" and "boiling" seem a little too easy and light for your cold ocean. I'd prefer edgier words. She might not.
And easy way to handle punctuation AND edge would be to simply say "I tumble through swarming bubbles."
I want to hear more about the air that isn't there. Is there time? It's a great hint of image/predicament/etc, anyway.
"A chill so, that it burns the illusion / of fire," - ??? That's a little grammar-weird. I can see why, but...
"In my bones, they know" - since it's you bones that know, it'd be best to clear that up: "My bones, they know", "In my bones, I know", "These old bones, they know" - something.
That's all. And again, I think you'll get laid whatever you do with it.
on Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy
14 Feb 2006, 12:42 PM
Crits can wait. I hope she liked it.
Around the painting, she bequeaths
blessings, plots colors, running free
By splashes of rain droplets from her eyes
Hues battle for territory