on Secret Dream-Thoughts of a Married Man by Bethy
15 Aug 2005, 12:58 PM
I'm not sure the jagged metrics work for this poem. Excellent use of everlast as a verb (or possibly a noun)
replying on Let Go by nicole081083
15 Aug 2005, 12:52 PM
ÙI don't mean something worth reading *about*. If that's what you're after, go write a novel. I mean wordings and phrases that are interesting. Use the words to show, not tell. This could be a good poem. Make it one.
on Let Go by nicole081083
15 Aug 2005, 10:13 AM
This poem is dead on the page, give it some life, something worth reading.
on Hiding by x babie alison x
15 Aug 2005, 10:10 AM
This is more prose than poetry. Although it sounded pretty cool when I had my friend read it with a Pakistani accent while I was stoned out of my mind.
on Reincarnation by Dovina
18 Apr 2005, 9:52 PM
"Model of truth" is superfluous
Third stanza can go.
Third stanza can go.
replying on Kaleidoscopic (Re-Edit) by Sasha
27 Nov 2004, 10:08 AM
If you don't like this site, then you might consider departing. The poetry on your own site (and before you accuse me of being riled enough by you to visit your home page, let me say that I went to see what sort of stuff you liked) is the pinnacle of shit. Once again, instead of spewing your verbal excrement all over the site, leave if you don't like it. The only reason why you'd stay if you don't like it is to be a malicious flamer. A sad symptom of boredom. Without further ado I suggest that you go back to your third rate porn and, if you like, continue to masturbate in pining for your ex that left you 3 years ago. No one will miss you.
With that said, I will now edit my poem
With that said, I will now edit my poem
on Mind's Eye by Sean Allen
8 Nov 2004, 5:11 PM
Points for trying. Though you might want to look up the meaning of "iambic pentameter." You seem to have forgotten the Iambic part.
on Stayed Too Long by poetryman
8 Nov 2004, 5:08 PM
I dont know if you understand what a prose poem is, but this poem is not in prose. The insipid religiousness is not at all to my taste, but I wont bother commenting on it. The "heart/apart" rhyme is simply clumsy. It is things like that free-verse proponents point to and laugh at when they have their derisory little diatribes on rhyme. The last line or two are okay I guess. The above/love rhyme is terrible. As far as I know English is cursed with quite a paucity of perfect rhymes for love: above, of, "dove" if you feel like raiding the dovecots of the muse and "shove" or "glove" if the thought can be made to absorb either, and Russian names like "Lermontov" and "Nochnikov." Anyway, it's generally a good idea not to have to rhyme on love.
Okay I'm done.
Okay I'm done.
Extremely campy, an example of the botanical mawkishness with which all mediocre poets are to some degree suffused. Sorry to break it to you but this poem isn't great. Poems about flowers are tired and pallid. I have a feeling you're going to retaliate with "well I write about what I want to write about...etc. etc." Fine, but understand that I've read third-rate poems like this by the dozen. I'm not trying to be a curmudgeon, just honest. My sympathy begets you a 6
on Geometry for Dyslexics by zodiac
6 Nov 2004, 11:13 AM
Quite planar if I do say so myself.
Adding the same thing to both sides of "tangled"
like this has made me lean out to my shelf
with parallel hands and take my textbook, spangled
with blots and gum, has made me start the fire
in my hearth early this year. You have made
me take the deadened textbook to its pyre
on logs and mourn it with the spark and spade.
Thank God! I cremated my mathbook after
I'd read this poem, though this poem meant
as much as what it made me burn. The scent
of smoke perfumes the rafters. I'm all laughter:
A math-made poem is as out of whack
as fortune-telling by the zodiac.
though the last stanza or so was really really good and so was the beginning. But a lot of it was needlessly complex. Since I'm a dyslexic, (and no, you didn't "offend" me) this poem I guess missed its point. Though I must say that if it's a dyslexic joke, it's quite funny.
Adding the same thing to both sides of "tangled"
like this has made me lean out to my shelf
with parallel hands and take my textbook, spangled
with blots and gum, has made me start the fire
in my hearth early this year. You have made
me take the deadened textbook to its pyre
on logs and mourn it with the spark and spade.
Thank God! I cremated my mathbook after
I'd read this poem, though this poem meant
as much as what it made me burn. The scent
of smoke perfumes the rafters. I'm all laughter:
A math-made poem is as out of whack
as fortune-telling by the zodiac.
though the last stanza or so was really really good and so was the beginning. But a lot of it was needlessly complex. Since I'm a dyslexic, (and no, you didn't "offend" me) this poem I guess missed its point. Though I must say that if it's a dyslexic joke, it's quite funny.
replying on A Letter Home by Fear of Garbage
2 Nov 2004, 2:10 PM
But you forgot the homework they must do. They have a need for math and reading too. Let's not forget the mandatory walk you need to take them on, you need to lock them up at night or else they might escape and take them on more walks to keep in shape! They've needs! All verse has needs we can't forget. They've needs the same as a domestic pet. If you have read this far (this part is sweet) I hope you noticed the iambic beat. If you cant see the rhymes yet then, (you fool!) I've earned a blowjob on my nine inch tool!
replying on A Letter Home by Fear of Garbage
2 Nov 2004, 11:17 AM
I know full well what a sestina is. It is the form with six repeating words that end lines in a pre-set pattern, familiar to any poet who has been in a workshop. However, the form is straining and working against the poem here. Many times the words, especially the word "nurse," are crying to be replaced with a more apt word. The only thing preventing that is that you have shoehorned the entire poem into a form ill suited to the poem's needs.
on Blue by D. $ Fontera
2 Nov 2004, 9:47 AM
Very interesting use of form
on Poems for devolution by richa
2 Nov 2004, 9:46 AM
Since I know this poem is supposed to mean something, and I don't know what it is, you get the 8 of ambiguity
on A Letter Home by Fear of Garbage
2 Nov 2004, 9:45 AM
The repeating words are straining you
on A Wanderlust To The New by fevriere
1 Nov 2004, 7:16 AM
the ! is unnecessary. Sonnets don't need iambic pentameter, but generally (unless they are blank verse sonnets which yours is plainly not) each line needs to rhyme with at least one other somewhere else in the sonnet....blah blah blah. Okay you don't want to hear the formalist shit.
How about the poem has NO meter whatsoever and desparately cries for one.
Also the subject is a bit cliché
How about the poem has NO meter whatsoever and desparately cries for one.
Also the subject is a bit cliché
replying on Going Blind by Sasha
1 Nov 2004, 6:48 AM
That's a compliment coming from someone who writes poetry as limp and listless as yours.
replying on Going Blind by Sasha
31 Oct 2004, 12:38 PM
All normal stretches of pentameter in a modern sonnet in english. C.F. John F. Nims.