poemranker ::Let Me Swing by caitydee

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Free verse № 102768

Let Me Swing

by caitydee

Member since 2004 · Posted 20 May 2004 · 6 comments

“Let’s go out” I tell you Somewhere outside It’s too hot I need to put my feet in the grass The sweat rolled down your back But I didn’t care and curled up with you on the mat The one with holes at which you laughed But still enjoyed I closed my eyes and exhaled out all the frustration and stress of our adult lives The swing of the bat made you happy Took you back to days of the past I smiled at you as you yelled at the game So content, so calm Our bodies fit that day We fit Just lying on that hill Your warmth held me You seeped into me Did the sun blind me that day? Cloud my eyes from reality Create feelings you never felt for me? Oh let me swing! You thought I would look silly among the kids We were suppose to go back that night Do you remember? But it rained-so we said ‘next time’ Are you still waiting? Seconds sped and minutes rushed Our time went by too fast At the park

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mean 5.83 weighted 5.22 rank 4296 views 199 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

6 comments

[n/a] caitydee 20-May-04/10:36 PM Reply
This is a work in progress-but I wanted some feedback, thanks!
[6] Signature 21-May-04/2:42 AM Reply
Are you still together? Or is that an appropriate question? I would cahnge "Our bodies fit that day--We fit", maybe, " Our bodies, we fit on that day. Other than that its cool.
[n/a] caitydee › Signature 21-May-04/8:28 AM Reply
No, we aren't still together. I was trying to say that our bodies fit as we lay in the grass, but in addition, I felt that "we" fit as a couple, but maybe there is a better way to express that. Thanks for the suggestion!
[6] Signature › caitydee 22-May-04/2:41 PM Reply
No prob.
[8] wilco 21-May-04/1:23 PM Reply
not too bad.
[7] SupremeDreamer 19-Jun-04/12:15 AM Reply
Certain stanzas were pretty good, but some of the other stuff such as:

"Did the sun blind me that day?
Cloud my eyes from reality
Create feelings you never felt for me?"

AND

"Oh let me swing!
You thought I would look silly among the kids
We were suppose to go back that night
Do you remember?
But it rained-so we said ‘next time’"


Really sounded childish or "teenaged". The rest could be revised into a more fluid and enjoyable piece. As for how that could be done? I leave you to figure that out for yourself-- it's better that way, me thinks.

Blessed with seven.