DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Panama

Member since 2004 · Posted 25 Apr 2005 · Edited 6 May 2005 · 8 comments

She grew to languid maturity a snake of humid nature accustomed to wave and sun unaware she was hot He grew to manhood a snake of human flesh accustomed to spontaneity aware she was hot He idolized her gentle Culebra her sensuous Cristobal Port imagined a channel his finest conquest In dreams he tantilized her Miraflores planted seed within her Gatun Lake then withdrew to rest at last in vast Pacific Heaven But she resisted his advances sent mosquitoes out to kill For every yard of her he took she slid upon him rocks and mud Thus she slew his legions thwarted his seduction allowed no man to chattel her quite aware now she was hot But he persevered tried gentler means and finally made his entry which passage she found sweet Now she draws him quite on purpose clothes her naked slopes provocative with vines and flowers inviting his lingering presence With her sides so decorated her waters sweet she returns spontaneity the gift he gave her

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8 comments

[10] zodiac 27-Apr-05/6:20 AM Reply

This is good, really. But something I just noticed is that all the sentences you write have essentially the same structure. At least, if they don't have the same structure, they sound really similar. Yes, I know here (and in another of your recent ones I just read) you're doing it on purpose. But it doesn't seem to work for me, not the intentional repetition (unaware/aware) nor the unintentional (strings of noun phrases and compound predicates with nary a subject in sight.)

Still, this is good.

[n/a] Dovina › zodiac 28-Apr-05/5:15 AM Reply

The subject of every sentence is either "he" or "she." The phrases following the first line of every verse refer back to the subject. You don't have to like it, but that's the layout.

[10] zodiac › Dovina 29-Apr-05/4:17 AM Reply

Um, yeah. I said that was the layout, and I didn't like it. It's not ambiguous or anything. I just thought it didn't work.

[9] INTRANSIT 8-May-05/9:09 AM Reply

dAAmnit girl! Um, this isn't people , is it? I can't wait to get home whee i'll have time to THINK!

[n/a] Dovina › INTRANSIT 10-May-05/10:32 AM Reply

Dad Gum It, man! This is as much people as a beautiful isthums can be, and possibly penetrable with a gentlemanly approach.

[7] Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 14-Jun-05/12:57 AM Reply

raunchy

[n/a] Dovina › Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 14-Jun-05/9:28 AM Reply

Well, maybe a little. I hope it says more than raunchy though.

[7] Bankrupt_Word_Clerk › Dovina 14-Jun-05/11:17 AM Reply

that's the trouble.. what images come into my mind aren't always controlled by the poet.. maybe I'm just raunchy. dang.