poemranker ::Everglades parkway by INTRANSIT

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Free verse № 100444

Everglades parkway

by INTRANSIT

Member since 2002 · Posted 5 May 2004 · Edited 31 Oct 2004 · 20 comments

Under a hazy Florida sun, in the median, three tall birds stand- underestimating. The closest takes flight arcing in earnest, and I murmur; "Oh, I know you didn't just..." I close one eye and hunker expecting a sudden and bleeding passenger. No crash. No bloody body flapping. Pinned by the seventy mile per hour wind the avian beckons with a thump against the right mirror bracket. I turn my head and I look into the Egret's small grey eye as its' head bobs gently to the rhythm of the road. Carte de visite. I click the four ways on and slow and ease to the shoulder. The more I slow, the further the bird slides. I watch as the Heron angel reaches the soft and sandy shoulder without a bounce.

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20 comments

[9] deleted user 5-May-04/1:41 PM Reply
Again, I'm sorry, but the title seems unjust to your story. And why not include egret/regret somehow? - I liked that. It's a good, sad story everyone can understand, so why not a dignified title?
[n/a] INTRANSIT › deleted user 5-May-04/1:55 PM Reply
It will recieve a much better title. When I find one.
(Rummaging through fat backs' bin) Nope. not here.
[n/a] zodiac › INTRANSIT 5-May-04/5:11 PM Reply
My serious cheat suggestion: Just give it the name of a small Florida-sounding town or county just off the interstate -"Ocalacala" or something, but not made-up.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › zodiac 5-May-04/6:56 PM Reply
"Melbourne to Brunswick" perhaps? Great Idea. I looked at the map. Lousy names.
[n/a] zodiac › INTRANSIT 5-May-04/7:09 PM Reply
You need something more Florida-specific; it doesn't necessarily have to be where you were. "Volusia" is that empty stretch south of Daytona. Or "Lakeland" on I-4. Or "Oceola" on 192 between Melbourne and Orlando.

If you asked me, I'd say "Everglades Parkway," whether it happened there or not.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › zodiac 5-May-04/7:45 PM Reply
Great name!! It is rare that I get as far south as Brunswick or
Fla. I think I shall take the name and remind myself to practice a little more story telling in the future. Thanks again. Might run into you some time. Not literally, of course.
[9] wilco 5-May-04/7:23 PM Reply
Didn't I read this one yesterday?
[n/a] INTRANSIT › wilco 5-May-04/7:48 PM Reply
Yes. And the old version is still up for comparison. Thanks for noticing. not icing. hmmm.
[9] wilco 5-May-04/8:03 PM Reply
Hmmmmm, I think I like this one a little better but the old ones good too. -9.43986-
[8] Shuushin 5-May-04/9:00 PM Reply
This one is not as good as the other, imho - but still offers an interesting read.

Some of the language seems heavier.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Shuushin 6-May-04/6:08 AM Reply
That's the wierd thing. The actual event happened in sort of slow motion so I went space crazy in the first. I loved it that way but something still didn't seem right. I can't argue with squiggles about the crit either though. This will be the second poem I have overanalyzed/overworked, which honestly pains me more than dropping it and moving on. im so cornfused.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › INTRANSIT 6-May-04/6:09 AM Reply
imho? still not familiar with that one. sorry.
[8] Shuushin › INTRANSIT 6-May-04/6:11 AM Reply
Believe me, I understand. My advice - clear this one out of comments, paste something new up there and set it aside for a bit.

Give yourself some time for a fresh perspective. You can edit the other anytime.
[9] Dovina 31-Oct-04/9:44 AM Reply
The first verse nicley evokes a sad tale coming, except for the rogue comma. I love openings like this.

Is it a heron or an egret? They're about the same, right?
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Dovina 31-Oct-04/9:54 AM Reply
Same family at any rate. I looked it up in the dictionary, too bad I didn't have a bird book when it happened, I could be more accurate. I had probs with the comma too. Which is the more rogue? Could I do way with both on the basis of line breaks?
[9] Dovina › INTRANSIT 31-Oct-04/10:19 AM Reply
Under a hazy Florida sun,
in the median,
three tall birds stand -
underestimating.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Dovina 31-Oct-04/10:23 AM Reply
Yup. Slow it down a bit, too. Thanky.
[8] edpeterson 1-Nov-04/5:57 AM Reply
The closest takes flight arcing in earnest.
"Oh, I know you didn't just..."
I close one eye and hunker
expecting a sudden and bleeding passenger.


I click on the four-ways and ease
to the shoulder.


The sentence structure becomes repetitive, with all the "I-verb-object"

[n/a] INTRANSIT › edpeterson 1-Nov-04/6:13 AM Reply
Yes. I was worried about that. This thing is kickin' my ass.
Thanks for your time. 'preciate ya, driver.
[9] wilco 3-Nov-04/7:04 PM Reply
As with the first timeI read this (quite a while back, I think), I like it.