DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Breakfast

Member since 2005 · Posted 26 Apr 2005 · 8 comments

I like my sunshine sunny-side up. The fork pierces to the yolk to spark the fusion reaction that fills my plate with nourishing yellow light. The gestation period for morning exuberance is inversely proportional to how many cups of dark matter are ingested (but directly proportional to the force of gravity later exerted on the eyelids.) Through the kitchen window, I see the cresset of the moon still hanging in the pale morning sky. I see the limpid brook meandering through the champaign. Burnt toast is an extraterrestrial landscape, dead and scarred with craters. Iâll dip it in the yolk, Iâll soak it through and through with sunshine. The unread newspaper waits, silent and heavy, deep and silent, in my office down the hall. The diaphanous moon lingers still in the dawn. The limpid brook feeds the champaign.

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mean 4.33 weighted 4.92 rank 9496 views 210 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

8 comments

[6] ChaseValentine 26-Apr-05/8:28 PM Reply

Aside from some typos, I really, really, really like the first two stanzas. After that, it's like, "I get it. Don't throttle it."

[n/a] James Rykelangeli › ChaseValentine 26-Apr-05/11:05 PM Reply

This poem contains no typos. Please read more diligently before you post a critique.

[n/a] zodiac › James Rykelangeli 27-Apr-05/6:23 AM Reply

The votes you get on this poem are probably going to be inversely proportional to how many lumps of dark matter you expect us to ingest.

You're a clever one, aren't you? What are you, like 12?

[n/a] James Rykelangeli › zodiac 27-Apr-05/2:26 PM Reply

I don't understand what provoked this incendiary response. If it was my poem, please explain how so, for yours is not the reaction I intended to elicit from the reader.

[n/a] zodiac › James Rykelangeli 29-Apr-05/4:07 AM Reply

Are you under the impression that mature people talk like this?

Look, just so you know I'm not some Neanderthal, I got a perfect score on the English section of the SAT and a near-perfect on GRE English, and if I were anywhere near you now I'd beat you up for your lunch money. I responded, um, incendiarily because of your smug response to the commenter above and because you're just a little thesaurophilic for your own good. I have to admit, I thought the brook feeding the champaign was rather clever - but it's clever only; it's not particularly artistic, well-put or, more importantly, evocative. That is, when you read this poem aloud to people, it's not going to give them an image of brooks feeding champaigns or nearly anything else. Don't lose all the clever words, but make this able to impress and evoke in people without them.

And scientific phrasing in poetry is overdone at least since Dovina started doing it.

[n/a] zodiac › James Rykelangeli 29-Apr-05/4:09 AM Reply

But don't feel bad. I'd rather be clever any day than typically poetic. And when I was your age I thought I was one of the Algonquin Circle.

[6] ChaseValentine › James Rykelangeli 27-Apr-05/3:14 PM Reply

No, no. You're right. My fault. My lack of vocabulary. I read "cresset" as meaning to be "crescent" and "champaign" as meaning to be "champagne." I thought you were drinking mimosas or something.

Honestly, I like it more having read it again. But I agree that I think it's maybe trying too hard.

[7] Ranger 27-Apr-05/9:59 AM Reply

First 2 stanzas are very clever and quite amusing, after that you try to be too clever...let's face it, most people will think you've made a typo when you say 'cresset of the moon'. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm simply retarded.