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Nowhere Land

Member since 2002 · Posted 20 Sep 2005 · 3 comments

Beneath the Robins staff my coat was the rain naked as Octobers limbs I remembered her lips On my birch pale skin. I wept with trees in Autumn For buds which blossomed in May, laid alone on fragrant graves where love was born to die in her today. Watch a sunset through tears and God will bleed for you, birds will mute their song stars will dull and fall as my lover will rise in someone else's eyes and I will set spectacular admired by no one in nowhere land.

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4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

3 comments

[8] Tintagiles 20-Sep-05/8:59 PM Reply

Hmm. That's quite fine. You still need to learn about apostrophes, but I gave up on that years ago.

Seriously, howe'er... The second stanza is a bit confused. The first two lines are fine. Then the third: what's was laid on the grave? The buds. Do the buds make the graves fragrant, or were they already? Was the love born on/in the graves? Not that I mind, I've nothing against necrophilia myself... 'to die in her today' ... Does that mean 'Love was born/to die in love's today' or 'Love was born/to die in [graves, autumn] on this day'? Or what?

I really like the penultimate line, but the last one seems to let it down a little.

[8] Quarton 21-Sep-05/9:08 AM Reply

I am a bit confused by parts of this but overall, I found myself liking it. And it is up to the reader to interpret your meaning.

[9] impert&ent 21-Sep-05/9:37 AM Reply

There's much to like in this, but there are a couple of loose ends too. I like the imagery and the metaphors. But I don't get the "robins staff", and think the focus changes in the last line, and leaves the thing unresolved. If the staff were a coat hook, it would make sense to me, given that your coat is the rain.

As for the last line, you may set spectacular, but in a solitary land of your own rather than nowhere. But why focus on yourself at the end, given that up to that point the focus is on her and the love?