Free verse № 135432
My kids
He's up and then my world starts to
Go round in circles, spinning.
My day begins with coffee on the stove
While milk's a boiling.
It's time to get the snackbox in his bag
And send him off to school,
After we've had an ordeal
With his bath and brushing too.
And then she's up, my little baby
"I want mama", she says and waits.
She watches as her brother wishes
And is on his way.
It's time to wait on her, that's next!
For she's particular,
"I'll wear the pink dress and pink clips",
Imagine, she's just a toddler!
And so my day goes on and on
My husband's there to help me run
He bathes our kids and gets them dressed
While they both shout 'Dada's the best !'
My son is back from school by one.
My girl, she waits to see him come.
They hug and kiss, for she did miss
His mischief, fights and fun.
And so my day goes on and on
There's always something to be done
When kids are with you, you will see
They're mind boggling and fidgity.
I shout and swear, look up and glare
For they get on my nerves.
They tear books, nibble, break things and scribble
They throw things all around.
Sometimes we have to bribe them
Into doing what we want them to,
Like clearing the mess they make
With food and toys and clothes too.
Finally, when the day is done,
And night time then begins to fall,
I'm tired, angry, worn and faint;
Have to admit, I am no saint!
And yet, when I look at them sleep
I see the truth so clearly.
They only reflect reality
Of once that was just - ME.
16 comments
"They hug and kiss, for she did miss" Add a "so" either before or after "did" or even better lose "did" and just write it as "so missed". I mean do you really talk in real life like you did in those 2 lines I singled out?
With that said, the rest of this is really good and I actually like that you put rhymes where it felt natural and didn't force them into places they didn't need to go. Now my challenge to you is to find out what exactly the elements were that made this poem effective and what things worked against it.
Now finding what was in favour of it........
- written from the heart - an outline of true incidents?
- it had message ?
- the tense of speech was uniform through out?
....... i don't know exactly what you want me to pin-point to.
and what is it that worked aainst it ? enlighten me .
- written from the heart - an outline of true incidents? No
- it had message ? No. Lots of poems do both of these things and still suck.
- the tense of speech was uniform through out? Yes.
For example:
Did you notice how these words bounce off each other? (?) shows implied rhyme. -?- shows alliteration.
It's time to get the -s-nackbox in his BAG(A)
And -s-end him off to -S-CHOOL(B),
After we've HAD(A) an ordeal
With his -B-ATH(A) and -b-rushing TOO(B).
And then she's up, my little BABY(C)
"I want mama", she says and WAITS(C).
She -W-ATCHES(D) as her brother -W-ISHES(D)
And is ON HIS(D) way.
It's time to wait ON HER(E), that's next!
For she's PARTICULAR(E),
Plus you're writing about something you know better than just about anyone else on earth, your children. Your true rhymes don't seem nearly as force as in some of your other poems. Most of this sounds like something you might actually say and the rhymes tend to come out like happy little coincidences.
Well that's a start but there's alot of other things that make a poem work and part of the fun is discovering them. It's OK not to know the science of poetry when you're just an avid reader but when you write poetry it's like performing as a magician and not knowing the secret behind pulling off the trick.
I hope that helps make the room a little brighter for you.
and now for the disagreeable points, since you hint that there is.....
And please ignore zodiac when he tells you, as he surely will, that I'm saying this because my life is dull.
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