poemranker ::Darker Days by oneglove

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Free verse № 139575

Darker Days

by oneglove

Member since 2004 · Posted 24 Feb 2006 · Edited 27 Mar 2006 · 7 comments

Memories in steamer trunks Absorbing dirt and grime The tingeing of their corners Seem to brighten darker times Look beneath your memories Her short black dress, long walks in spring Look past smiles and bleeding skies Find your lover’s tear stained eyes Twin sapphires set in snow Look like a murder scene Once they screamed 'I love you' Now they only scream

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mean 6.00 weighted 5.12 rank 5838 views 202 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

7 comments

[8] Ranger 24-Feb-06/6:29 AM Reply
Crikey, where do I begin with this one? I really like this poem, the first and last stanzas shine very brightly for me. 'Caviar dreams' I swear I've seen before, which is a bit of a shame as it detracts slightly from the overall originality of the piece. The same applies to 'bleeding skies'; in my opinion the second stanza could do with a reworking to bring it to the standard of the other two.
The final stanza is fantastic, perhaps 'I love you' should be in quote marks?
'Twin sapphires set in snow/Look like a murder scene'.
8 for now, with a rework of stanza two this will be at least a nine.
[n/a] oneglove › Ranger 24-Feb-06/7:50 AM Reply
yeah, i agree with you. the line is from lifestyles of the rich and famous, i put it there for unexplainable reasons. i was just having funw ith it but youre right, it takes a way from the poem. i'll get around to changing it but not right now.
[n/a] oneglove › Ranger 27-Mar-06/8:56 AM Reply
its revised. i left bleeding skies because thats how i imagine the sunset in the context of the poem. even the beautiful memory is still pointing towards the final 'murder scene'
[8] Dovina 24-Feb-06/11:19 AM Reply
Have you read "Savvy in the City: San Francisco" by Jane Young, especially page 4?

Steamer trunks of darker days, speaks of perhaps the Titanic, and twin saphires set in snow of perhaps a skull. I think of deep dives into ocean and memories and a good read.
[n/a] oneglove › Dovina 27-Mar-06/9:33 AM Reply
i'm glad i could conjour up such a pleasent memories for you. in all actuality, its about sifting through an old box of pictures and getting lost in the good memories of a relationship. in those moments it can be easy to forget why the relationship is over. twin sapphires refer to blue eyes, the murder scene, the blood shot whites of the eye.
[7] Niphredil 27-Mar-06/10:27 AM Reply
Screamed 'I love you' sounds a little forced. It's as if someone was forcing them to do it.

How about altering the last two lines to:
'Once they cried 'I love you',
Now they only cry.'

then you get a little word-play on 'cry' as well. it would require changing the rhyme though. :-)
[9] Sunny 27-Mar-06/10:43 PM Reply
Once I read this poem a couple of times & also read the other comments on it, I see, I see. Very metaphorical, very well thought-out...like a heist or "murder scene" even. A great read none-the-less with deep metaphor, dramatic theme, words that grab, short but punctual. Emily Dickinson style. Great read!