poemranker ::Gone Away by Christof

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Free verse № 14214

Gone Away

by Christof

Member since 2002 · Posted 11 Sep 2002 · Edited 18 Sep 2002 · 38 comments

How can I think of anyone but you? Your face, your mood, the trace of lilies; all this is remembrance. When you are dead, the grace of you will be gone not days or years. All time is calculation to make absence easier, evenings shorter, myself less alone. When I murmur 'only five days', my heart twists anti-clockwise.

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mean 6.25 weighted 5.91 rank 1426 views 270 View voting details →

12 votes so far. Yours would make 13.12 votes so far

38 comments

[10] god'swife 11-Sep-02/8:03 AM Reply
The rythmn is right. And the words are true. Excellent. My only complaint is the last line. I already knew what you were emplying at 'Only 5 days' Is their a better way to end this?
[n/a] Christof › god'swife 11-Sep-02/8:06 AM Reply
There probably is a better way to end this but i can't think of it right now. That 'For now' phrase is stuck in my head. Any suggestions?
[10] god'swife › Christof 11-Sep-02/8:18 AM Reply
Maybe you can talk about repeating the mantra 'Only 5 days' and the fact that this charm/prayer/spell is not working. And/or try wording it '5 days now' just keep at it. I know you'll get it.
[9] <~> 11-Sep-02/8:56 AM Reply
but doesn't the calculating make the time go slower? your obsession with her is palpable. 'when i murmur only 5 days, i know it will seem like ten, and that you will leave...again'
(sorry, i can't seem to get past the rhyme in my suggestion, but i do think this could tighten up appreciably.) keep at it. hope these helped. z
[n/a] Christof › <~> 11-Sep-02/9:01 AM Reply
My thought was that portioning time into days, weeks etc. is easier to handle than the thought of eternity. And that the point of the five days is not that the time will seem longer, but that sometime she will die and then the period shall be eternal, compared to which 5 days is nothing.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 11-Sep-02/9:13 AM Reply
I would like this poeme more if you didn't capitalise all the words at the beginning of a line. It makes it seem 10 times more portentous than it actually is. Also, the second verse is unpleasant to read.
[n/a] Frass › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 11-Sep-02/11:38 AM Reply
Do you mean 'pretentious'?
[n/a] Christof › Frass 12-Sep-02/1:04 AM Reply
I think that's a bit harsh, Mr Frass, it isn't pretending to be about anything other than what it clearly states! Of course if you think it's pretentious to think about the eventual death of your loved one that may say something about you...
[n/a] Christof › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 12-Sep-02/1:05 AM Reply
This is a very good point, and I shall edit forthwith. Thanks
[9] <~> › Christof 12-Sep-02/5:53 AM Reply
oh no. don't do that! take out the middle like you just did...you've roughed it up, and pulled out its soul.
[n/a] Christof › <~> 12-Sep-02/5:54 AM Reply
You think? Doesn't it scan better now? Oh dear what have I done...
[n/a] Christof › <~> 12-Sep-02/5:56 AM Reply
I should've stuck to my guns! You are absolutely right. That rhythm was a bit clunky but it worked becuase of that! Re-edit re-edit
[9] <~> › Christof 12-Sep-02/5:56 AM Reply
it was the last line that didn't work...not the middle.
[n/a] Christof › <~> 12-Sep-02/5:58 AM Reply
The last line continues to fox me because I'm not quite going for the meaning that you suggested before but I can't think of a better way to express the meaning I am going for. But I can revisit this some other time when my head is operating a bit better. Please re-vote! (but be kind).
[9] <~> › Christof 12-Sep-02/6:05 AM Reply
i'll save my vote for when you've worked it out. it wouldn't be fair to vote on a thing unfinished.k?
[n/a] Christof › <~> 12-Sep-02/6:06 AM Reply
That seems more than fair!
[n/a] Christof › <~> 12-Sep-02/6:12 AM Reply
Try this for size...
[9] <~> › Christof 12-Sep-02/6:17 AM Reply
oh yeah. that was an excellent soultion!!!! only one small stumble, and it is mine only, i am sure: the word 'dead' is leaden. but that is minor.
[n/a] Christof › <~> 12-Sep-02/6:19 AM Reply
Well I suppose the dead are leaden. Thanks for all your help, I feel like I've made a minor breakthrough today. This is what poemranker should be about. I am greatly heartened.
[7] Amelia 11-Sep-02/5:48 PM Reply
;)I share the sentiment when it comes to my boyfriend
[8] Limness 12-Sep-02/8:01 AM Reply
Gone away, or returning soon? The focus is morbid, but touching. Why do you think that you will outlive her? Statistically, we live longer than you gents. Could you not live without her?
[n/a] Christof › Limness 12-Sep-02/8:10 AM Reply
I hadn't thought of the fact that women usually outlive men. Hmm, I am suddenly cheered!
[10] god'swife 12-Sep-02/8:49 AM Reply
Last line S2 "All time is calculated" seems to work better for me. For you? Excellent edit. Nice finish! Bravo.
[n/a] Christof › god'swife 12-Sep-02/8:52 AM Reply
Ta very much. I think 'calculation' sounds better in a stand-alone line. Don't know why, just the rhythm in my ears really. But I'm happy with this poem now, after much fiddling around. Thanks for your help with it.
[5] poetandknowit 12-Sep-02/8:55 AM Reply
Just think if you outlive her the choices you will have. The old folks homes have 4/1 ration of women to men!!!! Excellent last stanza. And no flipping birds.
[n/a] Christof › poetandknowit 12-Sep-02/8:57 AM Reply
I'm sure I can work some in somewhere. Maybe a cuckoo clock?
[n/a] Frass › Christof 12-Sep-02/9:00 AM Reply
My good friend, Christof, you misunderstood my earlier comment. Didn't you have the word 'portentious' in here, earlier. I was simply asking if that word in the poem was supposed to be 'pretentious', instead.
[n/a] Christof › Frass 12-Sep-02/9:02 AM Reply
Maybe we have a misunderstanding - someone else used the word portentous and I in my paranoia ran away with it and thought you were accusing me of all sorts. Many apologies.
[8] brazen 12-Sep-02/1:29 PM Reply
if only it went counter-clockwise, then you'd be able to go back in time and change the past.
[n/a] Christof › brazen 13-Sep-02/1:13 AM Reply
If only!
[9] horus8 13-Sep-02/1:23 PM Reply
best yet? fucking real potent. father is proud and beating his chest 9/10. i think it would realy be more effective if the heart twisted counterclockwise? just a thought.
[n/a] Christof › horus8 18-Sep-02/1:25 AM Reply
You and Brazen have convinced me - please vote again chaps!
[9] nentwined 18-Sep-02/3:55 AM Reply
very nice. :)

It warms my heart that you've found poemranker to be helpful. :) I really should make the "editing" system a little more of a system, though. versioning or something. bleah.
[10] god'swife 19-Sep-02/8:22 AM Reply
I send you internet kisses.
[n/a] Christof › god'swife 19-Sep-02/8:23 AM Reply
Why you little sweetie!
[8] wunboi 21-Sep-02/11:19 PM Reply
Very good . Tha last stanza is a corker!
[9] daniella 19-Oct-02/10:23 PM Reply
my heart murmurs
in the ticking away,
roundabout clockwise.
[10] 7!3 20-Nov-04/12:29 AM Reply
liked it :)