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Poem from a gurney

Member since 2002 · Posted 10 Oct 2006 · Edited 20 Nov 2006 · 8 comments

The tap slides in the spigot is opened and 38 year wine flows out. Dear miserables it is not my bag any more as I grasp this small plum ball gently squeezing keeping this paperclip tangle tight the spiral spine wound pages from getting lost this is the best way to give from my easy chair while Mary is still in her spotless white robe I give from the marrow my wholeness rushes where needed outside the wind blows cold the rain falls gutters fill while inside this cantina we join over cookies and grape juice.

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8 comments

[9] Ranger 10-Oct-06/12:23 PM Reply

Nice, the wine/blood analogy isn't the most original but you work it well. Is Mary the recipient or a nurse (matron)?
Could get rid of some of 'the' in a couple of places perhaps, I don't think it'll interfere with the rhythm.
What do you mean by 'dear miserables'? Is it to people who've managed to guilt-trip you into donating, or am I missing something?
'My wholeness goes where needed' is lovely :-)

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Ranger 10-Oct-06/12:54 PM Reply

I was gonna go -jesus juice. what a nightmare that would have been. guilt trip? hmmm. have to thunk on that.lose some the(s), sure. Phlebotomist, technically. Thank you.

[9] Ranger › INTRANSIT 10-Oct-06/12:58 PM Reply

Jesus juice? Brilliant! Write that in with the phlebotomist and you could confuse me in one fell swoop. I hate needles though, so I'll keep my distance.

I couldn't figure out who the 'miserables' are, the inevitable drawing towards Les Miserables distracted me a little. But than, my attention span is nearly in negative numbers.

[8] Dovina 10-Oct-06/7:20 PM Reply

I think it's about having blood drawn. Okay, but it'd be stronger to say so. The notebook analogy is good. Then in the cantina I lose the metaphor, but like the thought.

[7] Shuushin 13-Oct-06/12:32 PM Reply

line breaks are odd, IT; pieces of this I like alot, but it doesn't flow for me.

trade more active verbs with "hold" "goes", "meet".

Missed opportunities, make all the words worth something.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Shuushin 20-Nov-06/4:23 PM Reply

Thanks Shuushin. Talk to me more about flow please.

[7] Shuushin › INTRANSIT 21-Nov-06/6:17 AM Reply

By flow, in this context, I mean to lose oneself within the poem. To be carried from one line to the next without noticing the carriage return; line breaks become invisible.

Practically speaking, maybe the shorter lines aren't doing you any favors here and the shorter words certainly aren't. There are effective poems that do have very short lines but this is difficult to pull off (and I do think you've made some of those, too).

As I look at this poem as a whole, these bits pop: "38 year wine", "paperclip tangle", "give from the marrow", "grape juice"

Much of the rest is either lost in a preposition phrase, or diluted with a weak verb or adjective "spotless white robe", taps and spigots doing things, small plum balls (that's gotta hurt).

The more impact each word has the more easily the poem will flow as the reader is drawn from one thing to the next.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Shuushin 21-Nov-06/10:26 AM Reply

Thank you.