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Depature from Nam

Member since 2006 · Posted 10 Jan 2007 · 2 comments

We said sayonara to Hiroshima And hello to the green diamond rivers of Vietnam And we walked upright Where the ones before us crawled on their bellies Western snakes in the grass We were delighted by rain Finding it absolutely perfect (Once the dried blood was ignored) We sat in cafe's where the dancing girls used to come Touching the guns smilingly Their husbands silent at home Or dead, silent in the land of green

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2 comments

[6] wilco 12-Jan-07/7:34 PM Reply

I think this could be much better shortened a bit...take some unnecessary words out...for example:

We said sayonara to Hiroshima
And hello to the green diamond rivers of Vietnam
And we walked upright
Where the ones before us crawled on bellies
Western snakes in the grass
We were delighted by rain
Finding it absolutely perfect
(Once the dried blood was ignored)
We sat in cafe's where dancing girls came
Touching guns smilingly
Their husbands silent at home
Or dead, silent in the land of green

...and punctuate...damn that's irritating. Gimme a semicolon or something. This could be good with a little more tweaking. Less is more. Play with wordings and take out things you don't need...

[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. › wilco 28-Jan-07/12:01 PM Reply

Semicolons are the hallmark of the dunce.