poemranker ::Death Of Day ( re-edit) by Mr Pig

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Haiku № 40480

Death Of Day ( re-edit)

by Mr Pig

Member since 2003 · Posted 16 Feb 2003 · Edited 18 Feb 2003 · 17 comments

Dusk came, Sun bled coagulating the clouds. Silver assassin appeared.

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mean 5.79 weighted 5.75 rank 1803 views 260 View voting details →

19 votes so far. Yours would make 20.19 votes so far

17 comments

[10] Caducus 16-Feb-03/4:06 AM Reply
awesome, I got no beef sorry pork with this at all. 10
[10] <~> 16-Feb-03/7:51 AM Reply
howl!

bravo.
[10] scitz 16-Feb-03/8:26 AM Reply
wow, wow, wow, ---this is quality man
[n/a] Shardik 16-Feb-03/11:52 AM Reply
Decent, but why do i keep counting eighteen? You know when i was younger i lived on the island of Kauai. I saw a pig roast. Many beautiful sunsets. I watched them kill the pig. I have never heard a sound come out of any living thing even similiar. Have you heard that sound? I'll wait to vote for your assesment of the structure.
[n/a] Mr Pig › Shardik 19-Feb-03/5:16 AM Reply
I used to have some pigs and they died in the foot and mouth epidemic and had to be slaughtered. I left for Gloucester that day because one couldn't bear the sight of Rosie, Sharky, Monsieur, and Goatthroat being terminated. Pigs are beautiful creatures and contrary to the book of koran ARE clean specimens. I have heard the sound of a pig mating and it reminded me of a young winsome strumpet I made love to in a violet field south of cirencester.
My name is Horatio Piggott, Mr Pig to my poemrankers.
God Speed my friend !
[6] nentwined 17-Feb-03/9:10 PM Reply
I like "silver assassin", but the rest ... seems almost there. just not quite.
[8] god'swife 17-Feb-03/11:09 PM Reply
Very good, but the tense is mixed up. It's either 'comes' or 'Sun bled........silver assasin appeared".
[n/a] Mr Pig › god'swife 18-Feb-03/12:46 AM Reply
Thank you so much my darling Gods Wife, I knew something was not quite together and you are quite right. I am very pleased with this now please offer me one more perusal and comment.
[n/a] horus8 18-Feb-03/10:47 AM Reply
Which part of this having 18 syllabols didn't you grasp. The 1 or the 8? Don't get me wrong, because i bend the rules everywhere, but it's unacceptable when dealing with haikus. it's the foundation of the structure and when dealing in this arena it's critical.
[8] god'swife 20-Feb-03/1:19 AM Reply
Change the tense of the last line. Somehow "appears" works for this. Some new pressent beginning.Death of day, and then a moon right now.
[9] Ranger 1-Mar-03/3:28 AM Reply
Possibly 'Silver assassin struck' for the last line, it seems to work and would take the syllables down to 17? I really like your haikus, you have much ability with images. 9
[n/a] dougsoderstrom 23-May-03/12:22 PM Reply
No haiku since it contains 18 syllables rather than the required 17.
[2] Robert K Foster 10-Jun-03/9:29 AM Reply
syllables?
[9] Mr Pig (again) › Robert K Foster 10-Jun-03/12:23 PM Reply
Yes I know I boobed Robert, I can do the 5-7-5 but these thoughts sometimes appear in the middle of the night and you know I write them down because I like them but your right, its not quite the baked Alaska is it?

I am sorry, would you believe one of my Haikus was inspired by you? I can tell which one did if you like.

Your friend


Laurence
[2] Robert K Foster › Mr Pig (again) 11-Jun-03/4:35 AM Reply
You have aroused my curiousity and flattered me at the same time. which was it?
[2] Robert K Foster › Robert K Foster 11-Jun-03/4:35 AM Reply
curiosity--sorry about the typo.
[9] Mr Pig (again) › Robert K Foster 11-Jun-03/3:29 PM Reply
Dear Robert

It was this you composed so majestically that I love.

Waves fold on the beach
Sand clings to the old dead man
Filling his wrinkles

Its timeless.