DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

In (ghazal)

Member since 2002 · Posted 14 Jun 2003 · 8 comments

In my truck, I ventilate the world and let it enter me through my windows,as it passes, and stops. My friends enter me as a thought, a presence. I ride fully with them always. Peace is mine, always. The traffic of life is present and I am numb to its presence, within. My friend, myself, one, travelling, two, stationary, feeling the motion and the beauty of the all.

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6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

8 comments

[n/a] horus8 14-Jun-03/9:18 AM Reply

Try to edit this making each sentence seperate yet connected, lover.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › horus8 14-Jun-03/9:42 AM Reply

Are you talking punctuation? or phrasing,schweetie.

[n/a] horus8 › INTRANSIT 14-Jun-03/6:45 PM Reply

Both, pooterkins.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › horus8 14-Jun-03/8:08 PM Reply

right away, kewpi doll. oh, and heres a rose, for yew.

[n/a] daniella › INTRANSIT 14-Jun-03/9:16 PM Reply

oh sweet romantix, if i may interject thy willowy serenading. i love the last line, but i want to be led there on streaming chrome shiny wind in my ears through the lonely blare of headlights. you r almost there.

[7] richa 14-Jun-03/10:40 AM Reply

Interesting to us something modern and consumer as a truck to illustrate 'the beauty of the all'

I think the snappy sentences work well and fit together there is nothing too obvious to make me cringe here

a pleasant read

[n/a] INTRANSIT › richa 14-Jun-03/8:06 PM Reply

thanks! Had to try sumpn' new. Horus is right though, it's a little disconnected.

[6] Bhaskaryya 21-May-05/2:16 AM Reply

Is this even a ghazal? I thought ghazals were a string of couplets which made sense individually too. (Like the pearl necklace which looks beautiful while strung together but is worthy of praise while viewed singularly too)

Ghazals have a certain refrain in the 2nd line of every couplet (and both lines of the first) added with a monorhyme before the refrain.

You need to address yourself in the last couplet (called signature couplet)

Well, there are around 50 rules to make a concrete ghazal and this follows none.

I like the content though.....6

PS: I don't post much on this site, but I'd put up few of my ghazals now if you'd like to look at them.