poemranker ::Pilgrimage by Christof

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Free verse № 53778

Pilgrimage

by Christof

Member since 2002 · Posted 23 Jun 2003 · 13 comments

On the steep bridlepath I sense there beside me My shadow which skips as I stumble and sweat Brushing through leaves, across streams, over stiles To see where you lived, where you worked, where you might Still live in your house in the wind and the mist At the top of the ridge is your house in a sunclap A golden dog barks at the touch of a ghost, A looming familiar figure resentful That others possess every sill, every lintel But the ghost is not you but my deepening shadow My strung-out ambition, my urge to connect And say Yes, we live on in the handshake of memory, Remembering others we are never alone - And a cloud shrouds the sun And my shadow shuts down like a TV at bedtime

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mean 6.60 weighted 6.41 rank 758 views 395 View voting details →

15 votes so far. Yours would make 16.15 votes so far

A favorite of god'swife.

13 comments

[9] horus8 23-Jun-03/7:02 AM Reply
A sunclap, hmmmm it's not every day an original word of this nature works well, and it did. i think a lot about fusing words because well when you can't spell for shit or punctuate, you better fuse words better than most or pray you can get by with borrowed & rearranged titles, because being able to make highly symbolic and triple edged hybrids like "sunclap" is as important of a tool in a poets chest, as listening is to an actor. Take a nine and <chicky chicky chew> Will can tame a shrew.
[9] SupremeDreamer 23-Jun-03/7:59 AM Reply
interesting, good imagery. ill bless thee with a -7-
[7] richa 24-Jun-03/1:34 PM Reply
excellent flow

nothing that really grabs me though, it was over so fast
[10] god'swife 1-Jul-03/12:21 AM Reply
Great cadence.

I've missed you

You end to quickly, as richa said, you shut down before it's really begun.
[8] thepinkbunnyofdoom 2-Jul-03/7:20 AM Reply
Its like hearing the first few bars of a classic movie theme song(i.e. Star Wars or Indiana Jones) and then having the power go out. -8-
[n/a] Christof › thepinkbunnyofdoom 4-Jul-03/3:26 AM Reply
That's the point!
[7] EAger to Offend 13-Jul-03/3:55 PM Reply
Yeah, the third verse needs refining, I think. May I suggest: "...Like a TV at bedtime my shadow shuts down." Although I could see one resisting to that near-rhyme.
[9] eliastemplar 1-Aug-03/8:13 PM Reply
What a queer ending. I don't associate the sense of loss and rememberance with a person, but the hopeful dreams we've had and left behind, the familiar places in our minds.

Thanks,
Lcpl.Busby
[8] Nicholas Jones 11-Aug-03/2:21 AM Reply
Very atmospheric. I guess the movement from a bridlepath to a TV represents a move from nature to mechanisation, from reality to depiction.

Something about the rhythm makes me expect some more rhyming, which doesn't come, thus confounding my expectations. Which is an excellent thing to do.
[n/a] deleted user 21-Aug-03/10:29 PM Reply
I think you should have said "every sill, every single solitary shred and piece of lint in the world"
[n/a] deleted user 21-Aug-03/10:31 PM Reply
or "every sill, every god-damn piece of lint in the universe".
[10] god'swife 19-Jan-04/10:54 PM Reply
I think you could do without 'But' at the start of the last stanza. Otherwise perfect. the best use of prepositional phrases I have ever ever seen.
the last two lines of the first stanza are beautifully constructed. A lovely percussion, well thoughtout wiht a terrific fallowt-through in the next stanza L2S2 is as pretty a thing as I've seen.

Sort of a cross between e.e. cummings and Dylan Thomas I think. Top-notch. (Do get rid of that first 'but' S3, the more I read it, the more out of place it seems) Kisses.
[n/a] Christof › god'swife 20-Jan-04/2:02 AM Reply
Hmmmm, the 'But'....I know what you mean. Clogs up the metre a bit. Without it, though, I think the statement about the ghost and the shadow is just too stark and not linked to what went before. Dunno. Let me have a ponder. Glad you liked the rest!