The Twenty-Fifth of Whenevber

Member since 2002 · Posted 26 Jun 2003 · Edited 26 Jun 2003 · 11 comments

Presents with ribbons and ugly bows, Boxes and bags of self-bought clothes, Get to pick a cd or two, Recycled Christmas, nothing really new No, for this year's gift, What I want comes of pure thrift All I'd like to get this year Is to finally subside the fear Two long years I've taken it at its best For too long I've feared that test Health Department offers it for free So why isn't it going that easy? Christmas could come any day We had an appointment back in May I got sick and lost my edge Like a not so sure man, on the ledge I know it needs to happen soon But it's too late for Christmas in June And stupid reasons always get in the way Besides, Christmas in July is so cliche Loosing sleep and loosing weight, Scared to love and scared to date, Heart frozen and put on hold, Avoiding love, I turned so cold Oh to be held again by strong arms, Comforted by what caused these alarms, Held against a soft chest of fur, And use that strength til the 25th of Whenevber

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11 comments

[n/a] Nanshe 26-Jun-03/8:08 AM Reply

1 finger, there's a lot of potent emotion here. weed out the typos. read it aloud, and smooth the rhythm. you want your lover back? make these words your surrogate until then. it's worth it, as you well know.

[n/a] OneFingerAnswer › Nanshe 26-Jun-03/8:25 AM Reply

The rhythm works easily for me. I couldn't find the typos. Might be cause I'm tired but a little help would be met with gratitude.

My lover's not coming back. He's gone. Read it again and you might see something different. Focus on the third stanza. It's not a poem about heartbreak.

[n/a] Nanshe › OneFingerAnswer 26-Jun-03/8:35 AM Reply

no, i understood, and feel for you in your grief. only time can replace the cut of expecting to see him come through that door, to hear his voice on the the line...only time will give that peace we all seek at such incontrovertible loss.

but, grief aside, i am addressing the poem's error. forgive me if i seem crass in doing so.

here are the 2 lines with typos:

Presents with *ribions* and ugly bows,
Use that strength *til* the 25th of *Whenevber*

punctuation would help the reader understand where you want pauses, and breaks.

take care of your self, sir. he would want you to.

Namaste.

[n/a] OneFingerAnswer › Nanshe 26-Jun-03/8:49 AM Reply

Whenevber isn't a typo. It's a created month. A combination of the ending of the last few months of the year and whenever. I don't know when I'll finally get the courage up to go. Til is a word. I feel that people say it instead of until often enough that I need not bother with the apostrophe.

The other typo, thanks.

I'll consider punctuation in a bit

I don't mind the proofread. I actually like to have it addressed early. I still think you're putting too much focus on him though. Although he was a great guy and I still love him I've come to terms with his death. It might seem cold but I have. This is about the taking care of myself part of it. I do generally but this is one area that has been hard for me to deal with.

[9] horus8 26-Jun-03/1:36 PM Reply

Whenember would pull it off better, and I feel this is an Ode.

[n/a] OneFingerAnswer › horus8 26-Jun-03/5:24 PM Reply

I thought about it and I think I like the v more. Ode? Really? Ok. I'm not too good with the styles any way.

[10] Shardik 26-Jun-03/6:05 PM Reply

Geez man, don't be, so was I.

[n/a] OneFingerAnswer › Shardik 26-Jun-03/6:07 PM Reply

Don't be what?

[9] SupremeDreamer 26-Jun-03/9:14 PM Reply

Whenevber? that could easy confuse a crowd if you ever plan to read this out loud.

"So why isn't going that easy?" -- Notice that this line sticks out like a thorn? fragmented..
-So why isn't it going that easy- just a suggestion anyway.

with those issues out of the way, i enjoyed this poem.
blessed with an 8

[n/a] OneFingerAnswer › SupremeDreamer 26-Jun-03/9:22 PM Reply

I don't perform my poetry. It's not anonymous enough. I prefer to hide behind firewalls.

Actually I wasn't happy with that line either but it was pissing me off so I left it. After reading it with your version in.... Thanks.

One little word, huh?
Well that's the beauty and the
butt of poetry

Look a haiku.

[9] SupremeDreamer › OneFingerAnswer 28-Jun-03/12:40 AM Reply

Happy to help anytime when possible. ;) Indeed, it is amazing how one little word changes a sentence remarkably.. the more I proceed with improving my skill, the more I notice that little things that I once considered irrelevant or unimportant are the secret keys to turn shit into gold. heh.